113 112. And I remember.txt (1/2)

I feel like I've been walking in the depths of darkness for a very long time .......

I felt very comfortable in that world .......

I wanted to stay there forever. Because there, I didn't have to suffer anymore .......

But that's no longer the case.

I can't allow that to happen.

I don't deserve rest.

I'm not going to be able to say that I'm not going to be able to do anything about it. I remembered that clearly.

A warm light is lit in the deep world of darkness and the world is being exposed.

'--Soooo, it was a terrific fierce battle ......!　A battle that washes blood in blood ......, a spectacular and beautiful feat ......, and an undeniably great match ....... But as far as I can tell, it looked like a phase match ......, and the result was--!

I hear a ringing voice.

A voice calling out for me.

A voice of concern.

A voice of expectation.

Blessing voices.

I'm led by a variety of voices.

I felt a light and slowly opened my closed eyes.

There was the face of a beautiful girl looking into my face with concern.

Apparently, she's kneeling over me. Perhaps the light I felt in the darkness was hers.

'I guess I ended up destroying the 'bracelet' ....... I didn't have any time to spare, so I guess it can't be helped. What do you think, Dear. Do you think you can manage to heal it?

'I think we'll manage. Thank goodness ......, there are no abnormalities that might be left behind. I'll cleanse every inch of it ......!

Yeah, yeah. Good luck with that.

I feel a cutting pain in my brain as I try to remember these women's names.

At the same time, the unseen memories come back like a torrent.

'Oh, ah, ah, ......--, Dear, Rustyala--?'

I remember.

The girls' names were Diablo Sith and Rustyala Foozeyers.

They're my friends.

Two that I couldn't save.

Two that I should never have forgotten.

Dear is sweating profusely to help me heal. In addition to physical recovery, she's doing her best to use her magic to restore my mental state as well.

And Rustyala. It's so tattered that it's unbearable to watch.

Her beautiful outfit has been chopped up and her clear white skin is covered in countless scars. The blue bruises and red blood are painful. Most of all, it hurts my heart that that beautiful long hair has been roughly cut and shortened.

Rastiara put her hand to her throat and cast a recovery spell on herself. I was the one who crushed that throat.

'Oh, Kanami - or is it Christ?　Did you notice?

Rustyala's beautiful voice was snatched away without a shadow of a glance.

It hurt me very much.

'La, Rastiara ......, it ......'

Oh, this?　Don't worry about it. You'll be fine. Anyway, do you have your memory back?

It was pointed out to me, and I immediately started digging through my memories.

The process is accompanied by intense pain, but I don't mind and inspect the memories.

The memories that were stolen from me, from the time I first wandered into the labyrinth to the time I was defeated by Palinkron, all of them return.

It was a strange sensation to see these two memories, which had been on the verge of collision, merge.

It's like the combination of ”Christ Eurasia” and ”Aikawa Kanami”.

Finally, I got me back.

I did, but...

I'm back ....... I finally got it back ......, but--!

What do you think?

-- impressions?

The memory of Christ Eurasia is a foolish and intolerable one. But from the point of view of Christ Eurasia, Aikawa Kanami is even more stupid and unbearable.

That makes me scream.

'Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah--!　Oh, God, I'm done--!

As she traces the memories of Aikawa Kanami's arrival as 'Christ Eurasia', she finally can't stand it anymore.

'I am!　How dare I, how dare I--!

Beginning of memory.

First of all, I think of Palinclone as a lifesaver, and at the point where I meet Maria, I can't stand my own stupidity.

Scratching my head, I denounce that stupidity myself.

''-- Maria is my sister?!　How come I don't suspect?　How could you not notice?　That's the extent of my feelings for my sister (Hitaki)!　Oh, how pathetic!　I feel bad for both of you for getting them both wrong!　It's so pathetic, I could cut my stomach off right now!

'What ......, you want to cut your belly?　I don't want it to be a pain in the ass to recover, do you?

Rustyala coolly shed that cry of mine.

Still, the reflection is not over yet.

Like a torrent, memories of ”Christ Eurasia” overflowed, while at the same time various emotions overflowed. The ”Christ Eurasia” couldn't forgive everything about ”Aikawa Kanami”.

''Also, what the hell is a Guildmaster!　I can't believe you've been so careful to stay away from the organization, and instead of getting involved, you're the chief!　If all you want to do is make money, there's a better way!　Palinkron is so easily fooled.　It's so easy!　Am I an idiot or am I a fool!

Christ is not an idiot!　You're a hell of a lot smarter than me!

Dia, who couldn't see it, would follow up with a follow-up.

But now, the more I received the follow-up, the more pathetic it only became on the contrary.

My journey to retrace my memories moves to my encounter with Snow.

But no matter which one I remember, I'm so embarrassed that I feel like my face is on fire.

My mouth trembles and a strange voice comes out.

''Thank you, Dea!　But no!　I wasn't good at all!　After telling Dia that much not to show her hand, she was so good at it that she was using dimensional magic all over the place!　And that too, here and there!　Did you want a pretty girl (Snow) to compliment you?　Did you want the approval of your new colleagues (guild members)?　If you know your powers are insane, then hide more!　How can you not know that if you don't weigh yourself, you'll get a lot of attention!

Yeah, you're a piece of shit. Don't worry. I'll take care of things for you after I cut your stomach open.

Sera seemed to enjoy listening to my self-deprecation.

She smiles very nicely and takes care of the intervention.

'Thank you, Sera!　But I still have a lot to reflect on!　I was doing whatever I wanted to do in the guild master position of Lauravia!　What was I trying to do when the state asked me to show my own power over Mr. Siddharth, showing my own strength, what did I want to do!　You wanted him to tell you that you were awesome!　You wanted the praise of everyone in Lauravia!　Oh, how shallow!

'...... Christ, let's calm down a bit. No, really, seriously, let's calm down.

Rustyala makes an impatient sound.

He realized that it was unusual in the face of my never-ending screams.

But it doesn't stop.

If I stop, the pent up emotions will explode in my stomach.

It's such an outpouring of emotions that it's hard to believe.

”You're too sloppy in your search for the maze!　Sloppy is sloppy!　What are you doing on a field trip to the 30th layer, you idiot!　You need to listen to me more!　You've heard that guardians are ”insane monsters that create countless deaths”!　Why are you going alone, you could have made another sword!　...... Oh, this guy is an idiot!　I'm an idiot!　Sorry Dear, I'm sure I'm an idiot!

'I don't think I'm going to convince you to do this ....... Oh, calm down, Christ: ......

Dea tries to quiet me down as she dawdles over the eyes of her surroundings.

But if I calmed down here, the emotions I couldn't get out would rot later. I had a premonition that this was going to happen. I've decided to let it out before the experience weighted by the combination of ”memories” becomes worse.

So I keep screaming.

”I can't afford to be a guardian of the 30th layer?　How could you beat Rowen with a sword?　It's a no-brainer to win the ”Dance Tournament”!　How could he be weaker than Rastiara?　Oh, how embarrassing!　How overconfident I am!

Up to this point, everyone was in raptures.

The cry went into the MC's microphone and would have been heard by the entire hall.

The MC, the audience, the people from the guild who would be watching, the people I had become friends with in Lauravia, my fellow Rustyalas - everyone was listening to my frenzied cries with their mouths open and stunned.

However, I still couldn't stop the enormous torrent of emotions.

In the first place, when I'm playing guild master and participating in the 'Dance Competition', I have nothing more to hide.

Hence, I continue to scream without any shame or outward appearance.

I've scratched too much shame, and the outside world is a terrible place to be.

There's no point in worrying about it.

'It's a big lie that I've never lost or anything!　He usually loses to Palinclone!　He was not only defeated, he was captured and brainwashed!　I keep failing!　It's more like, I don't know if there's such a thing as success!　No one could have helped Dia, Rustyala, Maria, Arti, or Mr. Hein!　I couldn't help anyone, huh!

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

But by letting it all out, I could say goodbye to the secrecy I once had. -- an unfamiliar theory in the corner of my mind. So the screaming still continues.

'So why are you getting along with the Reapers, Rowen!　They're monsters, man!　They're like Tida and Alty, man!　What are you going to sleep with and have him teach you swordsmanship fluently!　We're even getting along and registering for the convention!

Snow and the Reapers - and reconnecting with memories of Rowen.

And that means thinking back to those wonderful days.

Dreams of being happy in a faraway world with his sister.

Those were very happy days.

There, my sister (Maria) was laughing and I had a trusted partner (Snow). She was friends with her guardian (Rowen) and reaper, and as the guild master of her country, she was trusted by her friends and the people .......

In truth, he was separated from his sister (Hitaki), stole his partner's (Dia) dreams, and failed to help his friends (Rustyala) further. I couldn't understand my guardian (Arti) and Maria and turned against them, and I couldn't form a trusting relationship with anyone .......

I pretended my past failures didn't exist and fled to a fake world.

'My response to Snow was too appropriate!　Why don't you try to understand his problems!　You don't care about other people, that's why you did that at the ball!　You won't even notice it until it's like that!　If you do, you won't be good at it!　The dragon slaying afterwards was so uncomfortable!　More Snow, more Rowen, more Reapers, more crazy!　You're too slow to notice anything.　Too late!

Thus, the journey of memory gradually approaches the present.

''The contents of the 'Dance Competition' are terrible!　After all the warnings the receptionist gave me, you're too careful!　The worst of the worst is the worst of the worst against Elmiraad!　What's the bloody point of getting caught and confessing my love for you, me!　And that's in full view of the public!　What's the point of blowing yourself up because you were frustrated!　What do we do when we hit Elmirad?　If it's a hit, it's a Palinclone!　It's really not a good idea!

I remembered what 'Aikawa Kanami' had done to me and lamented with a bright red face.

Of all of them, the match with Mr. Elmirado is special. It was probably the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life.

'It's what happens when your will is so weak!　This game could have easily been over if I had been stronger!　I didn't have to fight to get to this point!　Rastiara's hair and throat were safe!　It's all because I'm weak-minded!　Rastiara and Diah suffered as well!

Then I turn my attention to the devastation of Rastiara and the others and contort my face.

Finally, the journey of memory has come to 'now'.

It's easy to self-sabotage, but there are more important things to do.

I lower my voice volume, calming my mind from letting it all out, and slowly apologize.

'But finally, ....... I finally made it to ....... Sorry, Rustyala ....... I took you out of there, but I didn't follow you to the end ....... Dia also lost an arm because of me, and I also put her in danger ...... many times. I'm really, really sorry .......

I apologize.

I drop my shoulders and turn my face down.

After a long wail, the heat has finally subsided.

'I've finally calmed down ......?'

I'm calming down ....... I know I showed you how uncool it was, but ......, it's okay now .......

I calmly understand myself in the present.

I take a bird's-eye view of myself, and first of all, I check my ”status”.

[Status]

Confusion 7.48 Mental Pollution 0.09

Most of the status abnormalities have been removed by Dia's magic.

However, since Seal is gone and Confusion remains, it's worth noting that the ”? It's best to think that the danger of the ?

The reason it wasn't triggered by the emotional outburst just now was probably because there was no danger of death. In fact, it's more likely that they decided that this was necessary for their mental health.

My eyelids are heavy.

I feel as if I'm going to fall asleep standing up.

But insomnia is not a 'condition'.

There are many physical conditions, but they don't seem to tell us everything about them.

My MP is zero, but I have plenty of HP left. However, I've confirmed that strength and HP are two different things. The risk of dying is small, but the risk of getting stuck is still there.

I'm not going to be able to get out of it.

--I'm not sure if I'll be able to get away with it - at any rate, depending on the case, there could be a series of fights (・・・・・・・) from now on (・・・・).

I'd like to avoid it if possible, but I can't say that.

I have a feeling that if I don't do something right here, the result will be the same as before.

Now that I have my memory back, I won't make the same mistakes I made on Nativity Day.

I won't do it again. I will never do it.

I continue to check in on the situation and think frantically about what's to come.

I can't say I'm insomniac or sick.

I'm still warm at this level. Compared to the final despair of Nativity Day, I'm still comfortable.

It's painful and excruciating, but I'm not dying yet. I've known worse than this. The worst of my life is still a long way off.

That experience makes me stronger.

I'll use all of my parallelism to rethink my future plans of action.

How do I avoid regrets?

How do I overcome this challenge?

I will build that plan.

Then I finally think back to my Nativity Day vows and after a deep breath, I slowly exhale the words.