18 Blame (1/2)

I heard the whispers clear as day. People in hushed tones talking about it. They spoke as if speaking it aloud was taboo. As if it was impossible that something like this could be happening in their small town. The irony was palpable.

I kept my head down and my eyes glued to the floor. My ears tuned in hard to the voices around me. Every little rumor slipped from some fake friend's lips tickled that angry spot in my chest.

All these fake friends who claimed to know Tony. All these business partners, and acquaintances who didn't know the first thing about Tony. They would never know him. Not like I knew him. Not like my Grandfather knew him.

”I heard he was pushing cocaine through his garage”

”I heard he killed four people”

”He has probably killed more than just that. You know how violent those drug dealers get”

Everything going on in my life had me on a hair trigger. For the first time in my life I felt like I could just punch a total stranger. I wasn't sure if I had just become a more violent person lately or if it was just the stress of the situation.

In the end the rational side of my brain knew these people were not to blame. I was. No one else. Adal made that point very clear. This whole time I had been trying to rationalize my running by saying I wasn't a bad person. Just in a bad situation. Adal was completely right however. Johnny and I both lost our innocent cards when we came back. The first run for Adal was just for protection. Everything after that was for personal gain.

For Johnny it was money. For me it was the thrill. I loved driving to the limit like that, and I loved being good at something for once. I couldn't deny that anymore. I was delusional this whole time, but Tony's death made it impossible to stay that way.

Adal's words really hit home for Johnny too. I don't think he took it as hard as I did, but then again, his actions didn't get a family member killed. Mine did. It wasn't totally fair to compare our situations.

I had to sit through some of Tony's so-called friends as they said words for him. None of them meant a damn thing. The typical ”He was a good man” routine. None of them would know anything real about him. Only I would, and the ironic thing was that I was asked to say a few words as well.

When I took the stage I didn't feel the eyes of the audience on me. I felt the weight of blame on me. Tony was in the casket behind me because of me. He died protecting me, and because of me everyone would think he was just a thug. Not the hero he really was. Only I had the power to say anything that meant something, but I didn't.

For a split second I thought about it. I thought about confessing right there so Tony would get the memory he deserved. It wasn't only my freedom on the line, so I kept the words to myself.

Instead, I gave the same old speech the others before me gave. The same empty words. The same worthless letters spelled out into the same sentences that held no power. It tore me apart inside.

I walked away pulled down by blame and self-hatred. Thankfully everyone around me mistook it for grief. I sat down hard in the church pew next to my parents. My mom put a comforting arm over my shoulder. I hated it. I wasn't her little angel child she thought I was. I was lying by omission to her and everyone else in this town.

I was starting to feel like leaving town for a while was a good idea now. If I wasn't going to confess then being away from all this would be the next best thing.

The funeral came to an end mercifully. The line of people marched away in a somber line climbing into cars at the cemetery. Johnny stood patiently by the fox body. I stopped at the driver side door for a moment. I don't know what I was expecting to happen.

I shot a slow gaze over the horizon and caught a glimpse of a blonde man climbing into a black truck. Adal obviously. I hadn't noticed him at the service, but of course he would be watching from afar.

I tossed the keys over the car to Johnny.

”You drive. You know how to get to Tony's shop right?”

Johnny nodded and we swapped spots. He was a little rough on the gears at first but smoothed it out as we went. I figured a while ago that teaching Johnny to drive stick might be a good idea in case I couldn't drive my car for whatever reason.

Right now, I was good to drive, but I just didn't want to. I wanted to wallow in my self-hatred. Something better done from the passenger seat. Johnny took it easy on the drive. Slow and steady towards the shop.

My phone sounded off in my pocket. Dully the vibration rang out from my dress pants. I pulled it up to my face with a slow movement. My arms felt heavy. Guilt had a way of making you feel physically heavy. Like it had a presence in the physical world.

Jessica's name lit up on the screen. Even her name couldn't fix what I was feeling now, but I answered anyways.

”Jack! How are you? I heard about Tony from my parents”

I sat there for a moment. I just pulled in a long breath. Jess heard it and kept silent waiting for my answer. The same breath slipped slowly from my lips before I asked a question in a voice quiet and rough.

”Why are you still talking to me?”

”Wha.. what? What do you mean?”

”I'm a criminal. A killer. You know it you saw the pictures. Why are you still talking to me?”

She paused for a moment before answering.