Chapter 452 - My CO Stash #52 - Does Voldemort Even Lift, Bro? by zugrian (HarryPotterXMarvel) (1/2)

-I guess you could say that our MC's just built alternatively/

Synopsis: This story takes the trope/cliche of Harry Potter working out to become a fitness buff to its logical and completely ridiculous endgame. Now it's time to meet Beefcake Harry, Dudebro supreme. Also starring his mentor, a great big buff guy... named Thanos. And stoner Dumbledore, because why not

Rated: T

Words: 48K

Posted on: m.fanfiction.net/s/13642265/1/Does-Voldemort-Even-Lift-Bro (zugrian)

PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (´ー｀)

-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics/originals mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)

Chapter 1

In most cases, the accidental magic a child creates ties directly into their personality and the way they were raised. For example, someone like Hermione Granger might summon a book she can't reach from a book shelf. Ron Weasley, on the other hand, might have his tongue heal itself when he ate the pie his mother had set out to cool, not wanting to share even one bite with his many siblings. How that glutton never got fat is a miracle in and of itself.

However, neither of them is the focus of this tale.

Enter one Harry Potter. Chosen by prophecy to save the world when no one else was willing to get off their lazy butts. The cosmos probably should have picked someone else. Since he was also fated to be the long awaited Master of Death, and a meddlesome, senile old fool decided to poke his nose in where it didn't belong, Harry ended up kidnapped from his godfather and left like a newspaper on the doorstep of his magic-hating relatives, the Dursleys.

Petunia Dursley was a nasty, vindictive bitch. And she was the best of them.

Vernon and Dudley were both big fat bullies. Therefore, Harry's magic reacted in a very different way to protect himself. He became something very different.

He became...

Beefcake Harry!

A growing boy needs food. When the Dursleys tried to neglect him, Harry's magic summoned their plates away from them and held them in place, forced to watch as he ate seconds and thirds. It only took four hundred and sixty five times before they learned that lesson.

Harry got the biggest servings from then on.

When Dudley tried to bully Harry, to shove him around and treat him like a punching bag, Harry responded with the one thing all bullies understand- retaliate so hard that you beat it into their skulls. Knocking out half his baby teeth that first day walking home from school should have been enough for most people.

Dudley Dursley was both dumber and more stubborn than most people.

Two black eyes, a broken nose, a broken arm, and a trip to the emergency room for his smashed t_e_s_t_i_c_l_e_s finally got through his thick head. He would just try to bully the other kids instead.

Vernon took a few lessons of his own. He tried to discipline Harry after his precious Dudders came home with a handful of teeth that weren't ready to come out on their own. He got his belt off and was ready to whip the boy when he found out the hard way why that was a bad idea.

Not only did his pants fall down to his ankles, revealing his stretched out tighty whities, but as he tripped and began to fall, the belt flew out of his hand and wrapped itself around his throat. The belt choked him the more he struggled until he looked up at his horrifying nephew. Harry popped his knuckles with a smirk.

”Nice undies.”

They were more brown and yellow than they had ever been before.

It only took a baker's dozen more times to get through to Vernon that even looking wrong at Harry Potter was a very bad idea.

As for Vernon's disgusting sister, Marge the bitch from hell, she came to visit for the first time in a few years just after Harry had turned six. She hadn't had a chance to learn any lessons yet, and that was to be her downfall.

She opened her fat gob one too many times (that would be just the once, actually) to try to insult Harry's parents. It led to explosive results.

The Little Whinging police department had to call in Scotland Yard to investigate. One of the bobbies had heard of the supposed phenomena called Spontaneous Combustion, but Spontaneously Blowing Up was something else entirely. How could a woman turn into a bomb?

And oh my god, the smell was awful. There were Marge guts and blood all over the Dursley family living room.

Except for where her little awful beast of a dog had eaten them. Ripper died of food poisoning, and the world was a much better place.

You would think that all of this would lead to Albus Dumbledore possibly checking on Harry Potter for the first time, but you must remember that Cinderella had to toil in obscurity for years. And the magical world was almost exclusively populated with crazy people.

Plus, Albus was a huge pothead, which explains why he was always so mellow. Not even Snape could harsh his buzz, which is why he didn't understand all the people that complained about the Potions Master.

Albus was still hoping he could get a piece of that bad boy a_s_s too. After his failures with Gellert and Tom, it was clear that the old man had a type. While Severus hadn't succ_u_mbed to his charms yet, he had seen the Light, and Dumbledore took it as a sign that someday he would win the affections of the greasy brooder.

Brooding was so s_e_xy, wasn't it?

Regardless of Albus Dumbledore's awful taste in men, life continued on in Surrey.

As Harry grew, the Dursleys did what they could to try to keep away from him. One day, Vernon heard of a gym that had opened up only a couple of miles away called Thicc Daddy's. The membership was somewhat expensive, but when he heard that it was open twenty-four hours a day, Vernon coughed up the money and Harry now had a place where he really felt like he belonged.

He was still only seven years old and not yet four feet tall, but he had the beginnings of a six pack and biceps that made people twice his age green with envy. Harry also met his first mentor.

He was kind of odd looking, with a purplish skin tone, but the ladies all flocked to him, calling him ”Thicc Daddy.” He was really big and strong though, which was all that mattered to Harry.

He did always wonder what type of name Thanos was though. It seemed kinda strange- what his uncle Vernon would probably call a 'dirty foreigner'- but Harry thought his accent sounded normal enough, kinda like an American movie actor. And far be it from him to discriminate against someone based on something as silly as skin color.

So for the next few years, Harry Potter ate like a horse and worked out almost daily. He was forced to take a few days off now and then, especially when his mentor told him that sometimes a man had to do other things to keep his perspective- and the fact that he had his arm around two of his 'honeys' told Harry all that he needed to know, it was something about girls that Thanos would explain to him when he was a bit older.

The Thicc Daddy had needs, and Harry would too someday.

The girls at school and around the neighborhood started to flock to him. For one thing, Harry was the one person that Dudley's annoying little gang always stayed well clear of. But he also heard several of them talk about how dreamy his eyes were, and they really seemed to like to c_a_r_e_s_s his arms for some reason.

Harry tried to take it in stride, so he emulated his hero and started walking around with a girl in each arm. A couple of them did object when he would put his hands on their bottoms, but that's what the honeys liked Thanos to do, so Harry didn't understand why the girls at school didn't like it. Maybe they just weren't honey material?

Harry also learned something interesting one day when he went to the zoo. He could talk to snakes. And while he didn't think they were really that interesting to talk to, a guest in science class brought in a python that scared most of the kids.

Harry asked his mentor about it, and he was told that most people feared things because they were cowards and sheep. It was the duty of people like Harry and himself to do the hard things because no one else would. That made sense to Harry. The Thicc Daddy's metaphor might have partially gotten lost in translation though, because while he could understand the idea of killing wolves to protect the flock, Harry wasn't sure that he liked the idea of having to shave his flock of sheep people.

Still, Harry asked his uncle nicely (only one punch to the kidneys) for a hundred pounds and he went off to the pet store to buy himself a snake. He found a couple that were alright looking but they seemed pretty lazy, and if there was one thing Harry couldn't stand it was laziness. But then there was this one with black and white bands that he saw was called a Malayan Krait.

It stood out to Harry in large part because it was hissing up a storm about how it couldn't wait for meal time because it wanted to gorge itself on a nice fat tasty mouse.

He wasn't into mice, per se, but Harry did like to eat a big fat steak whenever possible. Meat meant protein, and protein meant muscles.

He was sold, even as the pet store employee tried to warn the strangely bulky boy that it was venomous, but for some reason he let him buy it anyway.

It was a good thing a manager wasn't around, because it probably would have cost the poor guy his job.

Things went well for the next few months, as Harry's new pet (that he named Destro, after the coolest member of Cobra) took to terrorizing the neighborhood and destroying the ecosystem by eating everything smaller than a cat... and Mrs. Figg might have lost one of her many furballs as well.

Harry was continuing to work out while the end of primary school was in sight.

Something changed one morning in March though. As he got up, he felt strange, and he started noticing things he hadn't paid attention to before. The way the girls smiled at him made him feel funny. Instead of looking at the fitness magazines, he stopped one rack over to marvel at the Sports Ill_u_s_trated Swimsuit Issue. And by the time he made it to the gym that day, his pants weren't fitting quite right.

Thankfully, he had someone he could ask about this sort of thing.

Harry understood now. The next day at school, he paid a lot more attention to the girls that hung around him. He picked one out named Samantha that had been one of his friends for a couple of years now. She was one of the taller girls and she seemed less interested in some of the silly things that he didn't get about girls. Like, what was the deal with ponies? If Harry was going to ride a horse, it was going to be the biggest, baddest looking horse around.

And it certainly wouldn't have some cute little picture of a rainbow on its ass.

Anyway, Samantha, or Sammie as he sometimes called her, was all too happy to drag Harry off into a dark corner of the library during their lunch break and introduce him to something called 'frenching.'

Harry had always known his uncle was a moron, and so while he had never heard anything good about the French at home, he now knew that the French must be geniuses.

And Sammie became his number one honey for the rest of the year.

Before Harry knew it, summer had rolled around and it looked like Sammie was gone from his life. She lived kinda far away and was going to be starting at an all-girls secondary school.

So, that was a bummer.

And Destro picked the wrong time to make Harry angry. He was hissing one afternoon about how he hadn't had anything good to eat lately and that the birds wouldn't come down into his reach.

Harry, having his own issues with missing a bird, hissed back at him that he should ”shut the hell up before he punched his stupid snake face in.”