493 Another Drive (2/2)

I had an urge to throw my ice cream at his face.

”Now, now, don't get any ideas. We're just here to talk.” He tried calming me down. ”Eat your ice cream and stay cool. Doesn't that breeze feel nice?”

With the breeze, I caught the smell of the ocean.

”Do you remember what we talked about last time we were here?” He asked. ”You were jealous of Rhys. But you were also curious. What would it be like to see your dad again.”

”He's dead.” I said stiffly. ”Just like you, I won't get any closure.”

”Jake.” He said, his tone getting a notch higher. ”I wasn't completely honest with you.” He looked at my confused expression. ”I didn't exactly lie, but I didn't tell you everything about my dad. It wasn't really proper to talk about it when we didn't know anything about your own father. We may be the same in saying that we have dead fathers, but the cause of death....is different.”

”I don't understand. Dead is dead.” I mumbled, kicking my legs out, swinging them back and forth.

”Hmm.” Mr. Atkins paused for a second. ”You're at the age you should know...some die without even seeing it coming. Others...others plan their deaths.”

I suddenly had trouble swallowing. ”You mean...suicide..?” With that one word, a memory of Mr. Atkins talking to me on the Golden Gate Bridge flashed through my mind. He had previously told me that he knew someone who committed suicide, but he didn't sound like he missed them.

Mr. Atkins gave me a small smile and a slight nod. ”Yes. That call that I got about my fathers death; it was a suicide case. I didn't get any answers. Did he run out of money for the alcohol? Did he have any regrets? Did he just get too tired? I won't ever know.”

I let some tears fall out of the corner of my eyes. ”I'm sorry.”

”It took some time for me to come to peace.” He looked out to the ocean. ”Sometimes I have to remind myself that he was a monster during my childhood when I feel like blaming myself for not looking harder and getting him some help. We all have an inner demon we must face. Some darker than others.” He glanced at me. ”You. And Jeremy. Two different people with two different inner demons.”

”What's his?” I asked.

”You're asking the wrong person.” Mr. Atkins shrugged lightly. ”For all I know, he could have a small one, or a big one, or even multiple demons that haunt him when it's time to go to sleep.” He finished off his ice cream. ”You know what yours are, right?”

I can take a guess. I nodded.

”To take them on and to make them shrink, you've got to address them. Acknowledge them, and then acknowledge what you can do about them.” He tilted his head at me. ”Didn't you have a lot of questions about your dad? If he wanted you? If he cared? Or just, what was he like?”

I nodded vigorously.

”There's a person or two that can answer those kind of questions.” Mr. Atkins told me.

Ah. He caught me. I shifted in my seat, looking down at my ice cream. ”Jeremy.”

”Or Jack. Maybe you even have grandparents. More aunts and uncles. I remember him saying that he has cousins...that means you have cousins. You could find out so much more with their help.” He said. ”So?”

”So.” I repeated. I knocked my feet against each other.

”Do you want to know more about your dad? Yes or no?”

”I do.” I had to know. What he was like. If things would have been different if he was around. ”Do I have to apologize to Jeremy?”

Mr. Atkins smiled and patted my shoulder. ”Only if you feel like you need to.”

”I think I need some more time to calm down and digest before I see him again.” I told him truthfully.