270 Back to Dr. Moore 2 (1/2)

Bottom of the fifth inning with Dave pitching. They were batters four, five, and six. They had previously sent a fly ball to center field, a groundout to short, and a fly out to right field, respectively. It didn't occur to me that any action could come my way since I didn't do much all game.

”But it did?” Dr. Moore asked.

I nodded and continued. ”The fourth batter hit a grounder to me. I had to dive for it, then I fumbled a little bit, and made a bad throw. Luckily our first baseman was more prepared. The fifth batter thankfully struck out. Then the sixth batter hit another grounder towards me. This time I was able to get the ball in my glove, but when I made the throw, I slipped.”

”You slipped...didn't it have any effect on the outcome of the game?”

”No, we still won.”

”And Dave still earned his perfect game?”

I nodded.

”Okay, what happened after that? You guys win the game, and then what?”

”The team celebrated.” I thought for a moment. ”And then I felt overwhelmed. I was tired. It was hard to breathe in the mountains. They told me it was because the air was thinner.”

”Next?”

”That's it. I thought I only closed my eyes for a minute, but then suddenly Mr. Atkins was carrying me to a doctors office for a checkup.”

”Ok, why don't we go back to being overwhelmed? This was after the game finished? Not during?”

I glanced at Mr. Atkins, who sat there nonchalantly as he supervised our meeting. ”Mr. Atkins told me after the first perfect game that the probability of this happening again was minuscule. I almost blew it.”

Mr. Atkins took on a guilty look. ”It really IS highly improbable. But it all worked out! I also said not to stress about the what-ifs.”

”Let me interrupt here.” Dr. Moore spoke up. He looked to me. ”So in the first perfect game you participated in, you had the same feelings of being overwhelmed? Did it also end with a groundout to you?”

”No, to Noah. But he had to dive for it and couldn't make a good throw. So he tossed it up to me and I threw the runner out at first for the final out.” I explained.

”And then after the game..? The feelings had bubbled up?”

I looked down into my hands. ”I could have been the reason that either twin didn't reach a perfect game. That's a heavy burden. It's like a giant boulder on my chest.”

”He had even thrown up after the first one.” Mr. Atkins added. ”This time was more like a blackout. I honestly can't say which was worse.”

”Jake. I won't tell you that your fears are irrational.” Dr. Moore stated, causing me to look up. ”What I want you to know is that this is your anxiety speaking. It may not be using words, nor is it a tangible object. It takes up space though. In your brain, does it not? You worry about letting others down?”

I nodded.

”Unfortunately there is no cure for this.” He sighed, making me sigh too. ”The only way you can address this is to face it head on. Letting others down isn't a rare occurrence, but you can only try your hardest. Look at those two games. You tried your best, and then you succeeded. No one was mad or upset, in fact, it was a joyous occasion. Yet, you let the anxiety take over once your mind has nothing else to focus on.”

”But...there was a chance for failure...” I whispered.

”There's always a chance to fail.” Dr. Moore laughed lightly. ”Failures happen all the time in everything we do. I failed to make breakfast today but that doesn't stop me from working today. I'll just do better tomorrow.”

I frowned. ”That's not the same as letting someone down.”

”Just because you let someone down, doesn't mean that they'll abandon you immediately. Maybe if you did it often enough then they might lose trust in you.” Dr. Moore said. ”It's okay not to be perfect. It's about the effort you put in.”