Chapter 236 - Godhood: This is life. (1/2)

{AN: Made a discord server with the help of my friend, here is the link:

discord.gg/ZCX5F5cfKq

Don't worry I will also post the link in the comments session.}

.

.

.

”Oh, son, you are finally awake. I was dying from worry.”(Mom).

I looked at my mother, her expression showed equal hints of worry and qual hints of annoyance. Heh, it's her alright. Only she could feel annoyed by wasting time with her son in the hospital.

Okay, that sounded slightly wrong and it may pass the wrong impression. You see, my family isn't the most wealthy, but we aren't poor either. I never got hungry in my life... Already made you predictable fat joke? Ok, can I continue?

So my parents never let me or my sibling get hungry, but there was only one problem. Both of them worked even on Saturdays, so for a great part of my life, my mother wasn't that present. I got used to seeing her specific annoyed expression when she needs to skip work to deal with my matters. Ok, I admit I wasn't the most well-behaved kid, but I only really saw my mother and father at breakfast and at dinner. And you can imagine that isn't good for a kid.

I won't lie to you, my mother tried a lot to get closer to me and my sibling. But growing up I could say my grandmother was more of a mother figure to me than my own biological mother. I am quite surprised she wasn't the first person I saw, but considering she is 84 years old I guess it's not a good idea for her to spend too much time in a hospital without needing to.

But my mother isn't some evil witch that beats her children or something, she is just human and she made her mistakes. Right now I understand that, more than 2000 years is a very long time to think about things and for me to grow more mature, but my past self wasn't as comprehensible, in the later years close to my death we had grown quite distant, heck I used to speak with her like once or twice a day. And yeah I know I am wrong on a lot of things, if there is something being a buddha taught me is about self-evaluation, I know a lot of my defects and problem, heck I dealt with most of them.

Then there is my father. The relationship I had with my father was pretty close and pretty far, yeah I know it sounds weird. My father works every day, even on weekends, so I always saw him in his uniform and going to work, the brief periods he was home he either worked on the house or rests. He was always busy in some way or the other, sometimes he would make time to play with me when I was smaller but then I started growing up and we drifted away a bit.

Then he sort of becomes my friend? Yeah, when I was old enough it was him that gave me the talk, it was him that explained what STD is, it was him that taught me how to trim my growing beard correctly, we ended up growing pretty close and becoming friends. I would usually go to him when I need counsel or another person's opinion and he ended up becoming both my father and my friend.

But he was a man that never stopped working or being busy, I remember when I was 15 he retired, got his retirement pension, but continued working nonetheless. Which proved to be a wise decision when the country entered an economical crisis, and thanks to his and my mother's effort our family barely felt it. we technically are still in an economical crisis if I am not mistaken, finding a job without some kind of nepotism or recommendations is almost impossible right now.

But there is only scratching the surface of the problems, I know I am blessed from birth to such a wonderful family and they love me dearly. I knew they have their defects, but no one is perfect.

I know that life has been good for me, from childhood I never got hungry and always had warm clothes waiting for me, I never lacked any kind of school supplies, so I would never complain about something like that.

But my parents were pretty great, they both were born in extremely poor families, they barely had any food to eat when they were kids. But they literally gave destiny and life a middle finger and fought for a better future for themselves. So I kinda grew up needing to have to live up to my parents and my expectations, they thought I was smart and talented. And I knew it was a lie, my past self was dumb, slow-witted, uncreative, and overall a human waste of space. Their expectations and hopes were completely mistaken, but they never heard me when I tried correcting them. I had a bunch of problems, low self-esteem, a depressive streak, an inferiority complex, and sometimes the imposter syndrome.

I felt so inadequate, so incompetent, so underserving of most of what I had. It felt suffocating and heavy. And everything came crashing down on me when I entered college.

It all started with how I entered college, I spent the entirety of my high school years studying and preparing myself for the college entrance exams. I never went to parties or any social outings, besides not liking them at the time I was also more focused on studying. But as I said, I was incredibly incompetent and dumb. I also got too nervous and stressed for the tests, and when you combine that with how dumb I was, I failed them miserably.

The disappointed faces hurt more than being stabbed in the heart and trust me on this one, I stabbed myself in the heart so I know what I am talking about. So even with my parent's hopes and expectations for me completely crushed, they still tried, they sent me to a private college close to where we lived. It wasn't THAT expensive because my father had been saving money for a long time. It hurt a lot to know he was using his hard-earned money to cover for my incompetence and idiocy when it was going to and would be used to his well-earned vacation.

I felt like absolute crap. But I went forward nonetheless.

And to my absolute surprise college wasn't so bad. With how much my teachers were hyping it up, I was expecting to find some divine place of infinity knowledge where immortal v.i.r.g.i.ns would serve me drinks while we discussed the matters of utmost importance for the country. And then it ended up being exactly like school and high school, but for a.d.u.l.ts. The first day totally killed my hype, looking back from a certain angle my slight disappointment must've been hilarious. I swear that that ethics teacher got a kick out of this though. Because I certainly wasn't the only one that passed through that.

Well before talking a bit come about my college life, I guess I should say how I was socially before. I can describe myself as socially awkward on my better days. Yeah, I was that bad socially speaking.

There were some people that tried to bully me, but when I do a better job at lowering my self-esteem than the bully he kinda got awkward and left me mostly alone. I didn't have any Friends with capital F too, I certainly had some friends that played games with me or talked about some anime, but our friendship was as shallow as it could get.

Then came my problem with women, I already talked with Allessa about it a lot. Basically, my whole life every authority figure in my life were women, the teachers rarely scolded girls and the boys and me included were always in the wrong in the situation, girls tended to get scot-free or with lighter punishments. This most certainly created some unconscious apprehension and distrust of women from my younger self. So besides being socially awkward I didn't know how to talk;k with women, so my date life before Allessa was negative.

How come could it be negative? Well, I have been multiple times reject without even showing interest in someone, its hurts but you get used to it.