57 THE UNIVERSE HAS BEEN KIND TO ME, MY LEFT FOO (2/2)
\”Why not?\”
\”Because my family knows my boyfriend and I can't risk him hearing anything about this mess.\”
\”Come on, man. When you two get together, you can explain the whole situation to him.\”
\”No. I can't put my relationship at risk for any reason. I'm in love with him.\”
\”I'm your best friend. Are you really choosing some other guy over me?\”
\”Xuan Chaya, he is my boyfriend.\”
\”So, you're choosing hoes over bros?\”
\”Dude, not cool.\” Xiao Maiguo glared at Xuan Chaya in disapproval.
Xuan Chaya sighed in frustration. \”Fuck. What am I going to do now?\”
\”You told Aunty Charlotte you met him on Facebook.\”
Xuan Chaya nodded.
\”Why don't you go on Facebook to look for a fake boyfriend then?\”
\”You want me to go on Facebook and start asking other men if they'll go out with me?\”
Xiao Maiguo thought about it for a moment. Realizing what a terrible idea it was, he placed his pointer finger on his lips and thought up another idea. After a minute, he said. \”Fine. How about this? You ask out a guy on a dating website. Those are people already looking for a fling or a committed relationship. You just ask someone looking for a committed relationship to be your boyfriend. It won't be as weird as asking someone on Facebook.\”
Xuan Chaya snickered. \”Genius. If I do find someone on a dating website, what makes you think anyone would agree to be some stranger's fake boyfriend?\”
\”You don't need to tell them you're looking for a fake boyfriend.\”
\”So, you want me to look for someone who's looking for a commited relationship and just play with their feelings?\”
Xiao Maiguo sighed at the rejection of his second idea. After a pensive moment, he snapped his fingers. \”Pretty woman.\”
\”The movie? What does it have to do with this?\”
\”In pretty woman, Julia Roberts plays a prostitute who's paid to pretend to be that hot billionaire's boyfriend. I can't seem to remember his name.\”
\”Are you suggesting I pay a male prostitute to pretend to be my boyfriend?\”
\”Yes.\” Xuan Chaya nodded. \”Great idea, right?\”
\”You think hiring someone with such a dirty profession to hold my hands and hug my mother is a great idea?\”
\”You don't need to sound so disgusted. Escorts are people too.\”
\”I'm not denying that. They're just people I don't ever want to associate with. I'm sorry if this doesn't sound tolerant or modern, but I have a very strong aversion to those kind of people.\”
Xiao Maiguo sighed again. He was on the verge of giving up. Left to him, those last two ideas were great. Thinking about it, a fourth idea crossed his mind. This time around, he was sure Xuan Chaya would agree to it. With a big smirk on his face, he said. \”I have another 'genius' idea. But before I say anything, I want to eat pizza.\”
\”When you find me a sensible solution to this mess you put me in, I'll take you out and you can have all the pizza you want.\”
\”You can place an order for it.\”
\”Tell me your idea first.\”
\”Fine. I'm not telling you my idea. And I swear, you'll like it.\”
\”You know I can still beat you up, right?\” Xuan Chaya threatened.
\”I would like to see you try.\”
Frustrated, Xuan Chaya screamed. \”Jeez! Just tell me your idea, man.\”
\”Pizza.\” Xiao Maiguo replied. Unperturbed.
\”Fine. You call them, I'll pay.\” Xuan Chaya said and started to walk towards his bedroom.
\”Where are you going?\”
\”What do you think? I'm going to get dressed.\”
Xiao Maiguo nodded and proceeded to place an order for pizza delivery.
When Xuan Chaya returned, he sat on beside Xiao Maiguo and asked, \”So, what's your idea?\”
\”Go on a dating website. Look for someone looking for a committed relationship. Then pay them to pretend to be your boyfriend.\”
Xuan Chaya smiled at the thought. \”That's actually a great idea.\”
\”It is. People would sell their dignity for money.\” Xiao Maiguo said.
\”Well, I'm a businessman. You could think of it as a business transaction more than someone selling their dignity. I want something, I pay for it to the person who has what I want.\”
Xiao Maiguo shook his head. \”Whatever floats your boat, man.\”
\”So, what dating site should I use?\”
\”Nanpengyou.\”
\”Boyfriend?\”
\”Basically. It's the most popular gay dating site in China at the moment. Try it.\”
\”It's surprising that you know this. With all of your smugness about being in a serious relationship.\”
\”There are just some things you know. Just be grateful that the universe has been kind of you by sending you a friend like me and download the Mobile App so you can start searching for your fake soulmate.\”
Xuan Chaya sneered at Xiao Maiguo. \”A friend who always somehow manages to get me in trouble. The universe has been kind to me, my left foot.\”