Part 39 (2/2)
”What happened?” I asked her.
”I was going to ask you the same question,” she said.
”I think I was dreaming.”
”It must have been something awful, Kristen. I could hear you screaming from the main unit. I'm surprised you didn't wake up your roommate.” She looked over at Mena, who was motionless and still wrapped in her coc.o.o.n.
Ms. Mosley turned back to me and asked, ”Did you have a nightmare?”
”Yes,” I told her.
She asked, ”Well, do you want to talk about it?”
”I don't really know how to say it. It was just really scary. I couldn't control anything. It was too evil.”
”Did you say your prayers before you went to sleep?”
I shook my head. I didn't want to admit that I didn't normally say a prayer before I went to sleep.
”I find that whispering a little prayer before I go to sleep helps me get to sleep faster, and it comforts me in knowing that G.o.d is watching over me.”
”Okay,” I said.
”And whenever I find myself stuck in a nightmare that I can't seem to get out of, I call out to Him. I even get on my knees inside of my dream and start praying. Sometimes I have to do that. And he sends his angel and pulls me right out.”
”I guess He sent you to me again,” I said. I wanted to make her feel like her words were having an effect on me. In actuality, I had begun to ponder. When she said that she felt the comfort of knowing that G.o.d was watching over her, I thought of something else.
”I hear everything,” she said. ”And what I don't hear, I take it as G.o.d telling me I don't need to hear it.” She smiled warmly.
I couldn't smile back. The thought stuck out in my mind.
”What's going on there? You still troubled by that dream?”
”A little,” I said. ”Ms. Mosley? I have to ask you something.”
”Yes? You can ask me anything,” she a.s.sured me, with a touch of her hand to my shoulder and a gentle squeeze.
”If someone dies, do you believe that they go to heaven if they are good, and if they are bad, they go to h.e.l.l?”
”I believe that G.o.d pa.s.ses judgment on everyone when they are called home and, yes, they are sent on to their eternal resting place. Though h.e.l.l doesn't really seem like a place for rest.”
”If someone kills himself, does G.o.d pa.s.s judgment on that person to go to h.e.l.l?”
”I've heard that in Sunday school, listed among grave sins that will send a person straight to h.e.l.l, but I heard a lot of other things, lists of reasons. It used to scare me because I knew that I wasn't perfect. I was bound to make a mistake or two in my life. One being my bad habit of smoking. I know G.o.d doesn't like that. But you know something? I learned a lot more about G.o.d and his great justice as I studied more and started to understand. Through the teachings, I heard many different reasons from different preachers growing up about the things that G.o.d sends people to h.e.l.l for, and what He finds acceptable enough to let us into heaven. And what I found was that all of these preachers were saying that what was going to get us into heaven were deeds that they were all doing so that they could appear to be more righteous. What they were teaching us were their own opinions of how righteous they thought they were, and they tried to tell us that, if we were like them, then we would be able to go to heaven, no matter what. It was a different one each time. As I learned more about our Heavenly Father and what kind of G.o.d he is, I came to appreciate something that the preachers never told me.”
”What?”
”I learned and came to appreciate that no man - not the preacher, not you, or me, or any other man or woman - can judge a person and say that what they do or how they live their life, or even how their life ends, it is what is going to get any of us into heaven. That is G.o.d's job because He is the reader of our hearts. It's not fair for me to say that anyone who kills themselves is going to h.e.l.l, because I don't know that person's heart, their reverence with G.o.d, or their complete state of mind. There are illnesses that can drive a person completely insane. Some don't even know what they are doing if they do commit suicide, because they are unstable. Then, there are people who sacrifice themselves to save others, and they do it, knowing that they will have to die. Does that mean that they've given up on life and G.o.d? So Kristen, I can't answer you with a straight yes or no. I can only say that G.o.d would be the one to ask when you get there, because He is the one who can read your heart and who will finally judge you.”
”What if your preachers were right? What if G.o.d does send a person to h.e.l.l for committing suicide, no matter what? Then what will that be like?”
”h.e.l.l? What is h.e.l.l like?”
”Yes,” I said, with a bit of desperation in my tone.
”Well,” she began. I could tell that she now felt obligated to answer, since she had said so much already. ”From what I've been taught, if you are judged to go to h.e.l.l, all of the sins that G.o.d has not forgiven that you have committed are laid before you, and you are tormented and punished in those sins to remind you of your wickedness. This continues on for eternity.”
I was now staring at her. She was cutting deep into me. I spoke up. ”These were the things that I had learned. If you are good, you go to heaven, and if you are bad, you go to h.e.l.l. If a person commits suicide and G.o.d judges them to h.e.l.l, they have to be tormented by their sins forever. Then, that person would be jumping off a building or shooting themselves in the head, or whatever they did to get sent to h.e.l.l, all over again. Forever!”
The thought of restless torment frightened me. Then I thought of Rocky being stuck in h.e.l.l. I thought of him having to run down the hallway of the Boys' Unit in Bent Creek, being forced to haunt it so that he could be tormented by his eternal sin.
Ms. Mosley saw that I was scared, and she wrapped her arms around me. She gave me a gentle hug. As she leaned into me she said, ”Remember what I told you. G.o.d is the reader of your heart, and He is the only one who can judge you. He will always take care of you.”
CHAPTER 49.
The next morning I woke up from only two hours of sleep. After Ms. Mosley had left me, I couldn't get back to sleep. Mr. Sharp had hidden inside my pillowcase. I'd been afraid that Ms. Mosley would come back in and find us. She had comforted me enough to make me calm. I wasn't afraid, because she'd helped me appreciate that I had a chance to have a peaceful, eternal rest someday, and that G.o.d was really taking care of me. I believed that He had to have been, in order for Ms. Mosley to be there to pull me from that horrible dream. It wasn't the first time she had been there for me.
I knew that my family session was going to come faster than the previous day had gone by. I tried to think positively and think about all that Geoffrey and Ms. Mosley had said to me. I thought of what Dr. Pelchat had told me about BPD and how Borderline Personality Disorder was not me. We were going to work hard to treat it and cure me. Knowing these possibilities made me feel more hopeful. I was only afraid of seeing Nick again after that night. I told myself not to think about it, so that I wouldn't make myself feel badly again. I knew the time was coming, but I didn't have to think about it.
Before Ms. Mosley came into our room to make sure we were up to get our vitals checked, Mena and I dressed for the day. Mena looked at me while I dressed, and I felt her eyes on me. It was a bit uncomfortable, because she was really staring.
Exasperated, I finally said, ”What?”
She asked, ”Are you okay?”
”Yes. Why?”
”Wake up! Vitals! Come on, girls!” Ms. Mosley's loud voice filled the hallway of the Girls' Unit.
Mena said, ”You better hurry up and put a different s.h.i.+rt on. I can see your fresh cuts. Hurry! She's coming.”
I quickly pulled off my s.h.i.+rt and put on a longer-sleeved s.h.i.+rt that was in a drawer nearby. Just as I got the s.h.i.+rt over my head, Ms. Mosley burst in and started to yell, but saw that Mena and I were already awake and dressed. She smiled at the sight of us.
She said, ”It's good to see that, for once, you beat me to it, Mena. Come on, girls, it's time to get your vitals checked and start the day.”
The day started with vitals, then breakfast, and then our Goals Group Therapy session. This was the only time I had to see how many new people had arrived during the previous night. It seemed like new patients were always being admitted to Bent Creek.
On Sat.u.r.day, Goals Group was with Dr. Pelchat instead of Dr. Finch, and Geoffrey sat in on the group with us as a second mediator. Dr. Pelchat said that this group therapy session was going to be different from our other Goals groups. In this session, we were going to talk about future goals. Goals that we wanted to accomplish when we got out of Bent Creek. He said that they could be long-term or short-term goals. The key was to get us thinking about life after Bent Creek and to help us realize that it would continue on when we were out of here. It scared me to think about going back to work and continuing with my home schooling and then graduating. I knew Mom was going to start talking about me moving out to either go to college or get my own place. She had already hinted at it so many times. But I had other things to think about and try to work out before all of that. I especially had to focus on my treatment. I hoped that Mom would understand that when Dr. Pelchat explained it in our family session.
Tai volunteered to speak first in Goals Group. She stated that her long-term goal was to get along with her step-mother and get to a point where she could really try to respect her as her father's wife.
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