Part 38 (2/2)

”You can survive this,” Dr. Pelchat said.

”I could be a survivor?” I asked.

”Yes, a survivor,” he a.s.sured me.

What would it take to survive BPD? It scared me to think about what that would mean. Suddenly I didn't want to be in the room with Dr. Pelchat anymore, and I regretted speaking so openly and crying to him. I tried to tell myself that he'd take it as me making progress, and it would get me closer to getting out of Bent Creek. What then, when I got out? I tried not to think too much about it, because I didn't want to make Dr. Pelchat think that I had begun to worry. I wiped my eyes and looked up at him. I noticed that he hadn't written in my chart - not even once - since we had begun. He was staring at me, waiting to see if I was going to open up anymore.

I folded my arms across my chest the way I saw Mena do when she was in group meetings. It seemed to make the doctors back off of her, except for Dr. Bent. However, I had the feeling that Dr. Bent would not be pressing Mena's b.u.t.tons so hard anymore.

Dr. Pelchat took the hint, and decided to take the initiative to get conversation going again. ”Now that we've got your diagnosis out there, it's time we make plans on getting your treatment started.”

”I'm going have to take medication?”

”Yes,” he said. ”I am going to get you back on anti-depressants, and eventually a mood stabilizer. I want to reach out to you with what is going to be most effective at this time. Right now I believe what we need to do is continue your individual therapy sessions with me, even after your discharge. I will see to it that you to continue to see me at the clinic in outpatient treatment, once a week. But before we begin your discharge, we must have your family session.”

”Dr. Pelchat, I don't want to go through that again,” I said.

I thought back to that painful session with Mom and Dr. Pelchat.

Dr. Pelchat knew. He said, ”This family session will be nothing like that last one. The last one served its purpose, and we were able to get everything out on the table. You won't have to go through that again. I know that, with your brother and sister here this time, it will not be as it was when it was just us and your mother.”

The look on my face had to have matched everything I was feeling. I was almost angry, but was surprised and in disbelief at the same time.

”Did you say that my brother and sister are coming to this session?”

”It's a family session. Everyone in the household should be there. Yes, your brother and your sister have to live with you, and it's fair for them to get an understanding of what is going on with you. They know that you are in the hospital. I'm sure that they are very concerned. And they are going to need to know how they can cope and deal with this situation, because they are old enough to understand. So, yes, this Sat.u.r.day we are having a family session with me, you, your mom, and your little brother and sister.”

He made it sound so definite, as if I had no choice or say in the matter. It was clear that I didn't. He opened my chart after making his point, and I watched him write in capital letters on a yellow sheet: FAMILY SESSION: SAt.u.r.dAY AT 3:00PM.

There it was, set in stone. I was going to have to face all of them. I was going to have to face Mom again. What was even worse than facing Mom, I was going to have to face Nicholas. I hadn't seen him since he'd found me on that horrible night. I hadn't wanted him to be the one. I felt sad and angry inside again. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to cry this time. I couldn't let Dr. Pelchat see me upset about the family session. It was required to get out of Bent Creek.

CHAPTER 47.

Morning came. It was Friday. There was only one more day until my family session. I tried not to think about it, but it was too hard. Every hour that pa.s.sed by seemed to go by faster than a minute. The clock read 8:00am and we were at breakfast. Then it was time for Coping Skills with Dr. Bent, and it was already 2:00pm. I felt like I had just left the cafeteria for breakfast. Maybe I was getting it confused with lunch. I was almost like a zombie.

”Kristen!”

I looked up, startled at the tone of her voice when she called out to me. Dr. Bent and everyone in the room was looking at me and waiting for me to speak. I had been lost in my own thoughts and in my own s.p.a.ce, not really paying any attention to my group. Group Therapy was important, especially with Dr. Bent. Nothing got past her. Mena was in our group. She was sitting next to me, looking at me, and right along with everyone else.

”Kristen? Are you all right?” Dr. Bent asked.

”Yes,” I a.s.sured her.

”It's your turn,” she said.

I sat up straight in my seat and cleared my throat. I was halfway there before I had completely zoned out, so I knew the last person to speak was Tai. I didn't want to ask Dr. Bent to fill me in on what we were talking about, so I a.s.sumed it was something related to what Tai was speaking of. She was talking about her family. She had mentioned that her father and stepmother were coming for a family visit the following Monday.

I spoke up, ”I haven't had a family session yet, but I will tomorrow. So...”

”What do you expect to accomplish?” Dr. Bent inquired.

I shrugged and replied, ”I don't know. I guess it could go either way.” That was not a good way to respond, I thought, only after I had said it.

”Why do you say that?” Dr. Bent really liked to press on an issue.

h.e.l.l, I'd dug myself in the hole. Time to try and climb back out. ”I didn't mean it like that,” I tried to clean up. ”What I mean is, I could try to do better and help my family see that I am making an effort to try to get better. I want to show them that I can continue to keep getting better. Then, they can accept it and help me by supporting me, or I could show them that this time here has done nothing for me by being negative and not really trying. Nevertheless, of course, my time here has been very good. I can say that I do feel different in my att.i.tude towards my life. I actually want to do better.”

”That is absolutely wonderful, Kristen,” she said.

Relief rushed through me. I saved myself.

”I'm very glad that you feel the progress that you have made. I must say that you have come a long way since you first came in here. I'm proud of you.” Her smile was so convincing.

I smiled back, but hoped that my smile could have been just as convincing as hers could.

The main unit was almost empty after visiting hours. I didn't have any visitors, nor did Mena. She sat at the table in the living room, alone, staring at a blank screen on the television. The television was not on, and she was not indulging in any other kind of entertainment. She was just sitting and staring like she was almost catatonic. I began to worry, so I started walking towards her, but a voice called out to me before I could get close enough to grab her attention.

A gentle hand squeezed my shoulder. I turned around. It was Geoffrey. I hadn't expected it to be him. I calmly and almost unnoticeably pulled my long sleeve down over my arm to make sure it was down far enough so that he wouldn't see my fresh cuts. He didn't notice, because he smiled as if happy to see me. I returned the smile. He had one of those jolly smiles that made you want to smile back, even if you were in a bad mood.

”Come over here with me, Kristen. Let's talk.” He sat down at one of the tables on the main unit. I joined him.

My heart started beating a little faster when we sat down, because he looked me in the eyes immediately, and the smile disappeared from his face. He seemed serious. I hadn't seen him serious since that night with Rocky. I wondered what this could be about.

”How are you holding up?” he asked.

”I'm okay,” I said.

”I mean, with everything that's happened in here the last few weeks you've been here. It's been a lot for you. First with Rocky, and then with Janine. How are you really doing?”

”I guess I'm just like everyone else,” I told him.

”Hmm,” he said.

It was that ”hmm” the way Jack used to say. It made my heart jump.

”Why?” I asked. ”Is there something I should be feeling?”

”No,” he said. ”Your feelings are yours. I can't tell you how to feel. It's just that, if there is something more that you are feeling, and you may be too embarra.s.sed or too ashamed to say, I want to let you know that it's all right.”

”Thanks, Geoffrey. I know.”

”Because I know when I saw Janine, I got a little scared. I mean, it really frightened me to see that. I hadn't known Janine that long, but I did get to know her through the Group Therapy sessions I sat in on, and whenever we'd pa.s.s each other on the unit. I guess I figured, since you were her roommate and you were around her a lot more than me, that it would be a little hard on you too.”

I sighed. He was right. ”I was scared,” I admitted. ”When I saw her down on the floor and sick the way she was, it felt like I wasn't even seeing the Janine that I remembered. It had been like that for a while since Dr. Cuvo left. She had just been so different. It hurt to see her so down, because the Janine that I remember is the one that I really admired. She was so pretty and nice. She was funny. She helped me feel more like I fit in here with everyone. But then she just started to drift away.”

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