Part 33 (2/2)

I snapped out of the daze and looked at her with wet eyes. I nodded.

”Let me hear you say it.”

”Yes. I understand now,” I said.

She nodded and came over to me. She wrapped her arms around me to try to make me feel safe again. I tried not to let it affect me, but I needed her arms so badly. I closed my eyes and gave in. I allowed myself to believe that she was right. If I did go to the doctor, I would be calling attention to myself, and then I could get her in trouble. I didn't want the people to come and take us away. I didn't want to have to cut. At that moment, I told myself that I would try to stop.

”Mom,” I said.

She pulled away from me and looked into my eyes.

”If I get a job, could I check into doing home schooling?”

Mom thought for a moment. A smile appeared on her face. She said, ”That doesn't sound like a bad idea. Let me think about it some more. Meanwhile, you should look into finding an after-school job or a weekend job. I think that will help you. You won't have time to sit and think about things that are supposed to be behind us.”

”And it could help, because then you won't have to work two jobs,” I added.

She nodded and started to walk away. ”Let me think about it,” she said.

Question number 59: Do you constantly find yourself feeling bad about yourself, and that you are a failure because you have let yourself or your family down? Yes or No.

Yes.

Final question: Do you have constant thoughts of death or being dead? Yes or No.

Yes.

CHAPTER 42.

The next part of the day was filled with poking and prodding. But it wasn't as bad as I'd expected. After the test, Dr. Pelchat told me that my results would be back no later than a week. Then he took me to another part of Bent Creek. We had to walk through the Adult Ward to get there. I grew nervous pa.s.sing through there. There were a lot of elderly people sitting alone and in corners. A few other patients who looked younger, but who actually were a lot older than me, were watching television or sitting alone as well. The atmosphere was different from the Adolescent Ward. At least, in the Adolescent Ward, we talked, even if it was to make fun of someone. Like when Tai made fun of me for not being able to take a bath. I cringed as I thought back on that.

”This is the Adult Ward, Kristen. We've had a few kids in the Adolescent Ward actually turn eighteen and graduate to the Adult Ward while they were here in Bent Creek. I've seen some adolescents leave Bent Creek, only to come back, old enough to go straight to the Adult Ward. It doesn't look too fun, does it?”

Dr. Pelchat always had a way of reaching me. Though his words did scare me, I tried to listen and take it all in.

When we got to the other side of the hospital, we entered the medical clinic. The waiting room was empty. A nurse came out of the back, and she took Dr. Pelchat to the side. He handed her my chart and they began talking. They were talking about me. I heard her say that the doctor, whose name was Dr. Mitsen, was going to look at my st.i.tches and determine if it was time for them to be removed. Shortly after they spoke, the nurse came over to me with a sweet smile and, in a tiny voice, invited me to the back, where I a.s.sumed the doctor was waiting. Dr. Pelchat a.s.sured me that he'd be back to escort me back to the Adolescent Ward.

I followed the nurse, and she led me to an examination room. I had to get changed into the hospital gown, so the nurse left me in the room alone. After I was changed, I looked around and studied the room. It was a normal examination room, with the examining table that reclined back, the doctor's rolling chair, a sink, and some cabinets. But what was different about this room from others I had been in was that this room had locks on the cabinets. And there were no cotton b.a.l.l.s in small jars, or those sticks that the doctor put on your tongue to make you say ”Ahhhh!” There weren't even any lollipops that the doctor was supposed hand out when a patient was well behaved.

Dr. Mitsen entered the room. He was a tall and thin, friendly-looking kind of man. Even when he unwrapped the bandages and saw the sad scars and the wires and stringed st.i.tches, he still remained smiling. While he examined me, he asked me questions about school.

It was as though this was a normal check-up at a regular, family clinic. After examining my wrists, he determined that the st.i.tches would need to be in for another two weeks because of the vein damage. He said that they needed to heal properly. Therefore, he told me to keep cleaning the st.i.tches and not to get them wet. He kept the bandages off my wrists. It made me feel a little uneasy. I looked down at my wrists and saw the lines and rows of the damage I had done. Mr. Sharp smiled from somewhere inside of me. I felt almost safe, but, without the bandages, I felt somewhat scared.

I asked, ”Dr. Mitsen? Are you going to put the bandages back on?”

His warm smile was kind and gentle. He said, ”I think it's best to leave them off since the st.i.tches will be coming out soon. Let them air off a bit.” He chuckled.

I tried to smile back.

When the doctor was finished with my examination, he sat down in the rolling chair and wrote in my chart. Naturally, I was curious. I tried to look at what he was writing. He laughed when he looked up and caught me peeking.

”Don't worry, Kristen. I'm not writing anything terrible. Everything I just told you is what I'm writing in here.” He was so warm when he spoke. ”Okay, Kristen Elliott. If you are not here in Bent Creek in two weeks, when it's time to take those st.i.tches out, I'm going to see to it that you get back here to see me. And don't worry, because it won't hurt taking them out as much as it did putting them in.”

”I guess I was lucky. I was sleeping the whole time,” I told him. I let out a snicker.

Dr. Mitsen didn't find it funny. He ignored my sick humor and opened the door to leave. He said goodbye and left so that I could get dressed. After I was dressed, I walked back out to the front where Dr. Pelchat was waiting. Dr. Pelchat was reading over my chart.

”Two more weeks in those chains,” he said. ”Don't worry, Kristen. Two weeks will go by as fast as the past four weeks has for you.”

CHAPTER 43.

Friday was exactly four weeks to the day since I had taken the pills and had cut my wrists. Four weeks ago, I had almost died.

I opened my eyes and saw the sun s.h.i.+ning through the windows. Ms. Mosley never failed. I looked at my bare wrists. No bandages. I held them up to the sunlight. Then I pressed my arms to my chest and kept them there, as if I was hugging them. I closed my eyes and let the suns.h.i.+ne warm me.

Ms. Mosley crept into the room. I heard her shoes squeak on the floor. I opened my eyes and saw her standing at the foot of my bed. I sat up.

”Are you ready?” she asked me.

I nodded and got out of bed. I tried to gather my things for my bath quietly. I didn't want Mena to wake up and see Ms. Mosley helping me. I could hear all of her smart remarks in my head. She would shove it in my face as much as she could, and as loud as possible.

”So, how did it go with the doctor?” Ms. Mosley asked.

”The doctor said two more weeks,” I told her.

I knew she could have read about it in my chart. She was trying to make conversation because of the awkward silence while she helped me clean up. After I was drying off, she put the treatment for my st.i.tches on my wrists. The smell was strong.

I thought back to the day I had woken up in the hospital. I'd had no idea where I was, or that I had been asleep for a week. From looking at my st.i.tches, I couldn't really tell that I had done that much damage. I had waited so long to look at what I had done. Now that the bandages were off, I had no choice. When I looked down, it didn't really feel like the wrists I was looking at were mine.

”How long have the st.i.tches been in?” she asked as I started to dress.

I frowned, remembering how angry I had been when I had woken up. How angry I had been at Dr. Cuvo! He had only been doing his job, trying to help me. I had been so harsh in the beginning. I had been asleep for a whole week before I realized that I was still alive.

”It's been a month,” I told her.

”Seems like a long time?” she asked as she stared down at my wrists. She looked like she wanted to touch them. I wouldn't have minded, but she didn't.

”No,” I honestly replied. ”It doesn't seem that long ago at all.”

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