Part 31 (2/2)

After our last group of the day, Daniel's mother and his grandmother came for him. Daniel didn't talk much in our group meetings that day. He didn't really say much to any of us. He may have felt bad for having to leave, while we were still stuck inside. However, I knew that he was happy to be leaving.

”Have a cigarette for the both of us. Okay?” Tai requested. She punched his chest playfully.

He rubbed the spot where she'd punched. ”I'll have two as soon as I get out of here. One for you and one for me,” he a.s.sured her.

When she smiled, he wrapped his arms around her, and they hugged. Tai was blus.h.i.+ng as he pulled away from her. Moving on, Daniel said goodbye to a few other people.

When he came over to say goodbye to me, I looked away from his eyes. I put my head down, and closed my eyes. He gently placed his fingers under my chin, and lifted my head up so that I could look him in the eyes.

”Always keep your eyes open and head up,” he told me.

His sweet smile made me feel warm inside. He leaned in slowly, and, for a moment, I didn't know what to do with my hands or my arms; my body wouldn't move. He wrapped both of his arms around me and squeezed me gently. I closed my eyes and hugged him back. Squeezing a little tighter, I took in that moment. I wanted to remember that good feeling for the rest of my life.

Daniel pulled away from me, and gave me one last smile before turning and walking away. He now stood between his grandmother and mother, who were waiting for him by the exit door with Dr. Finch.

I sighed, still holding onto our moment. Mena then walked onto the unit with Dr. Pelchat. They must have just had a session. Dr. Pelchat looked irritated and tired. Mena looked angry, like she always did. Janine suddenly appeared out of nowhere, running over to me. She asked me something, but I didn't understand her clearly.

”What did you say?” I asked her.

Dr. Finch used his key to open the exit door. Hearing the door open, Janine turned to see what was going on. She saw Daniel about to leave, and quickly ran over to him. He saw her and dropped his bags without hesitation.

”Oh, my G.o.d! Janine!” he exclaimed. ”I thought I'd miss you!”

Daniel grabbed her in his arms, and they squeezed each other tightly. Janine was crying.

”Daniel, we have to go,” his mother pushed. She picked up the bags he had dropped.

Daniel didn't let go, because Janine wasn't letting go of him. She slipped a folded piece of paper into the back pocket of his jeans. She whispered in his ear. A pain went through my chest. What did she say to him to make him close his eyes and smile that way? He was smiling in that convincing way. When he pulled back to look her in the eyes, I noticed that his eyes were amazingly aglow. Daniel's eyes seemed to be radiating some kind of affection as he looked down at Janine. I did not understand that look.

She must have whispered to him her permission to move, because without hesitating, he had moved. Their lips were pressing so pa.s.sionately together. First, it was a gentle peck. Then her tongue was in his mouth, and his lips were over her bottom lip.

My mind seemed to suck me back into a place where I couldn't get out.

Where was I?

I was in the doorway of my bedroom at our new home. This home was the place that we had moved to after Jack was arrested, and Mom had sold our old house. The house where the terrible things had happened was gone. It was no longer our nightmare since we had moved out of there and into our new house. This new home was a part of our family's new beginning.

Lexus came over to help me paint my new bedroom. She was staying over at my house for the weekend. John came over to help me paint, too, when he learned that Lexus was visiting. Lexus had that kind of effect on people. People liked to be around her. Lexus was beautiful. She was interesting. She wasn't complicated. She was likeable and lovable. She was...she was...nothing like me.

We decided to paint as much of my room as we could on the first day. The walls were originally a sickening shade of green. I wanted all of the walls painted black. Our goal was to try to finish painting by Sat.u.r.day because we were going to celebrate Lexus' high school graduation on that Sunday. Lexus suggested that we include John because he was also graduating high school that year.

The whole weekend was fun with the three of us painting and celebrating. Lexus was helpful and kept the mood light with her cheerfulness. John was charming and fun to be around because he was just simply wonderful as is.

While we painted my bedroom, I listened to Lexus and John talk about what colleges they were going to attend in the upcoming year. They argued about the politics of going to a State University versus a College. I decided to step out of the room to grab sodas for the three of us. When I returned to the room, I was in high spirits. I wanted to hear more about their plans and ask them questions about what it was like to be finished with high school.

However, at that moment, I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I couldn't understand anything.

John's arms were wrapped around Lexus' perfectly slim waist. Her hair was swept up in a high ponytail, and she had little drops of paint in it. His dried-paint-covered hands were greedily rubbing all over her neck, her shoulders, and her back. I heard Lexus moaning as John hungrily kissed her from her lips to her neck and shoulders. I just stood in the doorway of my bedroom, silent and still, while watching in disbelief and heartache. They didn't even notice that I was there.

I had backed away from the open doorway and stood in the hallway. I tried to get my thoughts together. I wiped away my tears. With a sick feeling still in my chest, I walked into the room and slammed the door behind me. I made sure I slammed it hard enough for the both of them to know I was there.

Lexus and John were startled. They backed away from each other. Lexus sighed in relief when she saw that it was only me. John looked at me and, when our eyes met, he blushed. I looked at Lexus.

She said with a smile, ”Kristen, your room is coming along nicely. Don't you think?”

I walked toward them and looked around the room. With a forced smile, I nodded in agreement. Lexus was glowing, and so was John. They didn't look nervous at all. I couldn't understand it. I was sure that I would never understand.

”What? Did you want it to be you?” Mena said to me.

I looked up. I was back in Bent Creek, and standing on the main unit. Mena stood directly in front of me, blocking my view of Daniel and Janine. Then it hit me. She wasn't smiling, nor was she joking. She was serious.

She said, ”Don't go cutting your wrists up over that,” and walked away.

When Mena was out of my way, I saw that Daniel was gone. The exit door was closed, and Dr. Pelchat was coming towards me. I wanted to say something to Mena. Angrily, I started to walk towards her, but Dr. Pelchat called out to me. I stopped in place.

Approaching me, he said, ”I just wanted to remind you to read over that book I gave you.”

”I will, Dr. Pelchat,” I a.s.sured him.

”Good,” he said. ”I've scheduled your test for Tuesday.” He walked away.

I stood there, staring at the exit doors. Daniel was gone. Janine was gone. Mena was gone. She had asked if I wanted it to be me. That question felt like it could have destroyed me if I had an answer for it. Did I want it to be me? Did I want Daniel to kiss me?

I'd wanted John to kiss me. I'd wanted him to move towards me, but he'd never moved. Everyone had been happy when Lexus and John had announced that they were dating. Mom was happy for them, their parents were happy for them, and all of their friends were happy for them. Everyone was happy for them except me. It was okay for them to kiss in front of everyone, just like Daniel and Janine did. They didn't have to hide or keep it a secret. They were glowing, and they were free. I didn't know what that felt like. I didn't know what it was like to be kissed and set free.

When I returned to my bedroom, I felt relieved. I let my face hit my pillow, and I just lay on the bed, on my stomach. I stared at the silver b.u.t.terfly pendant that I had sneaked into Bent Creek so that Mr. Sharp could stay with me. I twisted it between my fingertips. Mr. Sharp spoke to me through those sharp wings. He felt my pain. He liked it when I was this way, so that he could give me attention.

I couldn't do it. Not here. Not in the room on the bed where, at any moment, a counselor could walk in and see me, and then go write about it in my chart. That would set me back. So, I lay there in pain. I let the pain shoot from my mind, down my back, and to the metal ball that turned tirelessly in my chest.

My mind ran back and forth from Janine and Daniel to John and Lexus. Then to how useless, ugly, and terrible I was. Tears fell hard onto my pillow. All I could do was cry, because it hurt too badly to move. I wanted Mr. Sharp. He watched me with tears in his eyes.

It's so much better to cut. It feels less painful than this. One cut, that's all you need. You need to breathe. Bleed so that you can breathe.

He told me this repeatedly, but I wouldn't do it. I couldn't take a chance on being set back. I lay as still as possible, and let the metal ball turn in my chest. The pain made the tears fall harder. My mind would not stop. It wouldn't let me quit thinking about what a horrible person I was. Everything I was putting my family through, why John hated me so much, why Lexus didn't answer her phone the night that I had found the letter Jack had written, when I'd needed someone to talk to and only Mr. Sharp had been there, and what a useless person I was. I could never be a survivor the way that Daniel had described.

I put all my pain on other people. That was why he never moved. That was why I had all of that pain inside of me. I stared at Mr. Sharp, who was only my age, but made me call him Mister because he knew so much more about life than I did. He knew the past, and he knew the future. That's why he hated it when I denied him. I denied him, and let my tears fall until I couldn't feel or see him anymore.

CHAPTER 38.

I woke up, startled by a loud thud that came from the other side of the room. I opened my eyes and all of the lights were out. I couldn't see what was going on. I called out for Janine, but she didn't answer. I sat up, feeling dizzy, and I turned on the lamp beside my bed. I had to let my eyes adjust for a minute. When I could see clearly, I didn't see Janine in her bed. Where was the noise coming from? I saw that the bathroom light was on.

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