Part 30 (1/2)

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”I did? How?”

”When I left you and your mother alone, you took the time to open up to her, which is what I was hoping you would do,” he admitted.

I was dismayed. ”Is that why you asked if my mother knew why I hurt myself?”

He sighed. ”Yes. I wanted to open the communication up between you and your mother. You did very well, Kristen. I know it was hard, but you were very brave throughout the entire time.”

”I don't feel very brave.”

”I know, but you are. You'll see.”

I felt a pain go through my chest. ”It helped, knowing that you were near the whole time. Even though it hurt to talk that much about what had happened, I feel like it helped. You were the first person I ever got a chance to talk to about it. It was hard, and I couldn't stop crying, but if you and Mom hadn't pushed, I may have never had a chance to talk to anyone.”

That much honesty hurt me inside. It was hard to let out, but Dr. Pelchat didn't seem to mind.

Dr. Pelchat replied, ”That's what we need to do. We need you to open up more and talk about it.”

I nodded at him. Still nervous and feeling strange, I said, ”It hurts, but I'm going to try.”

”Good. So, Kristen, did you get a chance to look at the book I loaned you?”

I thought back to the day he'd told me about Borderline Personality Disorder. I was too afraid. I did want to know about it. But...

”No,” I admitted, ”not yet.”

”I recommend that you do. When you have time to yourself, you should read it.”

”I haven't even taken the test yet,” I argued. My heart began to beat fast. ”How do we even know if this is my diagnosis?” I tried to smile so that I wouldn't seem too scared.

Dr. Pelchat sighed. He shook his head. ”We don't know for sure. Not yet. But I have seen a lot of warning signs for disorders dealing with psychosis. You, Kristen, have major signs of Borderline Personality Disorder.”

”What exactly am I doing?”

Almost yelling, I was giving away how scared I was. I couldn't have this disorder. Not if I was supposed to be a good example for Nicky and Alison.

”Read the book, Kristen. Please.” He was sincere, and his eyes were very gentle.

I nodded, and promised to read the book. I had to read the book because I wanted to know what it was that I was doing that made me such an obvious candidate for this Borderline Personality Disorder. I needed to know so that I could fix it and not cause any more problems for my family.

”How are you sleeping at night?” he asked.

”I don't know,” I said. ”I get to sleep, and I wake up sometimes. I guess it's okay.”

”Do you feel different since we stopped the medication?”

”I feel...” I didn't know how to answer these questions. Everything was mixed up, and I felt confused. I should have known how I was sleeping. I should have known if I felt different without the medicine. I just shook my head. I started to feel hopeless.

Dr. Pelchat looked up from my chart towards me. He stopped writing and put my chart on top of his desk.

”I know how hard this is for you,” he said. ”You know, I had a pretty weird day yesterday. After your mother left, I went into the lunchroom to grab a bite to eat with Geoffrey. Well, he told me something that just completely blew my mind.”

”What did he say?” I asked.

”He said that he wanted to be a doctor, just like me. He wanted to go to medical school and really go all the way. He told me that he admired me, and that he looked up to me, like I was his father or something.”

Dr. Pelchat seemed amused and relaxed. He was smiling and happy.

I felt calm, and I smiled back at him. ”He really does look up to you, Dr. Pelchat. He told me that one day when we were talking.”

”Really?” He seemed surprised. ”I wouldn't have known it if he hadn't said it.”

I looked around and realized the sudden change of mood. The sun was s.h.i.+ning through the blinds that hung over the wide, gla.s.s windows. The room was warm, and the tension lifted.

”I like this,” I admitted.

”What?” Dr. Pelchat asked.

”I like us having a conversation, instead of you asking me a million questions. It feels normal,” I said.

”What's normal?” Dr. Pelchat asked.

I thought about that question before answering. I couldn't come up with a single response that made sense.

”I don't know,” I said with a giggle.

”Exactly. That's why I don't like normal,” Dr. Pelchat responded. ”There's no explanation for it.”

I laughed. ”Well, that's obvious, Dr. Pelchat. Look at where you work.”

He looked around as though shocked. And he put his hand to his chest, like I had offended him.

”What do you mean, Kristen? There is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone here. We are all normal in here. ”

We both laughed. I hadn't laughed that hard in a while. When that moment between us had pa.s.sed, Dr. Pelchat kept a calming smile on his face.

”Let's try something, Kristen. Let's try to have a 'normal' conversation.”

”What's a normal conversation?”

”We will talk to each other. I ask a question, and you answer, and then you'll ask me a question, and I'll answer. We will just talk. What do you think?”

I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It seemed different from my other sessions with him and from ones I'd had with Dr. Cuvo. I nodded at him.

”Why do you do what you do?” I asked first.

”Do you mean, why am I a psychiatrist?”