Part 13 (2/2)

Tai hit my arm jokingly.

”Come on, girl,” Tai said. ”We are just playing with you. We know you can't help it.”

They all kept laughing. I felt like such a loser. Janine was sitting next to Daniel, and they were laughing together. Tai got off the subject when Cadence decided to sit near us. Tai started going on about something that had happened at lunch. I missed what was so funny. I stopped listening to her, even though she was really trying to talk to me because I wasn't at lunch with them.

Cadence seemed to like to antagonize new people because she was having too much fun annoying Rocky. Rocky was staring as if he wanted to snap her neck off her body. Cadence found this amusing. Janine and Daniel were in their own little world.

”Are you okay now?” Janine asked Daniel. She was showing her cute, pink dimple on the left side of her face as she smiled.

Smiling at her, Daniel said, ”Yes. I am now.”

”Why are you being so quiet?” she asked him.

”I am just thinking about stuff,” Daniel said as he unzipped a small carry case and packed away his blood glucose meter.

He pushed the carry case aside and looked right at Janine. As soon as Daniel's eyes met Janine's, she blushed. He put his finger on her chin and wiped.

”You had caramel on your chin,” he told her.

My stomach burned. I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and went to the bedroom. I stayed there with the door closed, wis.h.i.+ng I could lock it and keep everyone else out. I didn't leave to go back to group therapy, and no one came to look for me.

I lay back on my bed and closed my eyes. I wanted to be far away. I didn't want to be here with the other people. I wanted to be back in time to where I was happy. Back when I thought that mental hospitals were not real, and they only existed in horror movies.

I could almost see John's face. I could almost see his hair and his eyes from when we went to the same school, and when he came over to our house with his little brother, James, so that he could play with Nick. He was considered my cousin because his father was Jack's brother, but technically, he was not my cousin. We were not related.

”I remember you,” he said to me as we sat on our front porch. ”Do you remember me?”

I nodded, picturing him refusing to dance with his mother at Jack and Mom's wedding.

”We go to the same school,” he said, referring to the middle school we attended. ”I'm about to go to the high school. What grade are you in?”

”I'm in seventh grade,” I told him.

I saw his gorgeous eyes, and I remembered his lovely smile so clearly. He looked different in middle school than he did when I'd seen him at Mom and Jack's wedding. He was much taller. His voice was deeper. He was a big brother now. At the wedding, he'd been an only child. My happier thoughts of him were before he knew Lexus. It was the pain of growing up that made me most bitter. Thinking too much made my head hurt. I let myself drift off into sleep.

It seemed as if time had been stolen from me. I fought back tears, which only made my chest fill up with pain. I closed my eyes, confused, and tried to focus.

”G.o.d, if you're not mad at me, please help me...” I whispered. I couldn't stop thinking. My mind was racing. I saw Janine's face and I saw Daniel's face. I saw John's face and I saw Lexus' face. They were intertwined. ”G.o.d, please, please help me.”

Ms. Mosley appeared out of nowhere. She had come into the room silently. She must have come in to check on me. I was embarra.s.sed to see her standing in the doorway, staring at me, when I opened my eyes.

”Are you all right?” she asked. She moved closer to me, hesitantly and slowly. ”I came in to check on you. Your group is about to go to their last meeting before dinner.”

”I can't,” I said. ”Everyone says I smell bad and I'm just disgusting,” I cried. I could smell the dirt on my body. I almost felt sick.

Ms. Mosley sighed heavily. I could see the sincerity in her eyes.

”I am going to call one of the nurses tonight. Someone should have been here to draw your blood and help you with your st.i.tches. I will do everything I can, Kristen. I would help you myself, but I don't want to do anything to mess you up. You're excused from your meeting tonight. Don't worry about it. I will see if Geoffrey can bring your dinner to you so that you won't have to be around them. Just make sure you are at the nurse's station when it's time to take your medicine.” Ms. Mosley smiled warmly.

Before she turned away to leave, I sat up in bed and called out to her. She turned back to me.

”How long does it take before someone can really get better and go home?” I asked her.

She sighed. ”Listen to me, Kristen. I know it is hard being in this place. But while you are here, you can't let your mind become occupied by the fact that you are here. You can't get bogged down with feeling sorry for yourself. You should be pondering on why you're here and what it will take so that you can get better, get out of here, stay better, and stay out of here. You want to try to get help from your doctors and try to find something that will help you appreciate life.”

”Ms. Mosley,” I cried. ”I am punished with life!”

She put on a stern face and looked me right in my eyes. ”Do you believe in G.o.d?”

”I believe that there is a G.o.d,” I told her, confused.

”No,” she said with her stern face, ”Do you know who G.o.d is?”

”I've heard of G.o.d,” I told her. ”When I was a kid, my Mom and I went to church. We used to pray together. She always told me that I could pray to Him anytime, even if it was in the middle of the day. I used to know Him, but I think that He's forgotten about me.”

Ms. Mosley came towards me again. ”Honey, He has not forgotten about you. He knows who you are, even if you don't know Him. Do you know how I know that G.o.d has not forgotten about you? You have air in your lungs, you are able to speak, think, and move. This is what you are taking for granted. These are things that you tried to take away that G.o.d has blessed you with.”

She sat down beside me and continued, ”Your life is not yours, Kristen. It is G.o.d's. He can never forget about something that belongs to Him. Even though you are suffering with this pain inside of yourself, G.o.d is helping you endure it. And He is not letting you do it alone. You are here, and you are getting help from people that He has directed you to. No, G.o.d has not forgotten you. He wants you to be alive. That's why you are here.”

The beating of my heart was steady and calm. I felt relaxed and secure with Ms. Mosley there beside me. She gently placed a hand on my shoulder as her sternness faded to sincerity.

She said, ”He's got you here. There's no way He can leave you and not get you through the rest of the way.” She paused and looked at me to make sure I understood.

With dry eyes, I stuck out my arms and wrapped them around her. She hesitated before she hugged me back. Ms. Mosley quickly let me go and smiled.

”You need to rest. We'll talk later,” she said as she began to walk away.

Her eyes were always serious, and her tone of voice was strong. I liked that. Ms. Mosley was the most real person I had ever known. I lay back down in the bed when she left the room. I rolled onto my stomach and closed my eyes. There was an ache inside of me. I wanted to get rid of it.

G.o.d, get me to endure this.

CHAPTER 15.

Ouch. No. Ouch. Stop it. No.

I felt a sharp, p.r.i.c.king pain shoot through my arm. I first felt it when I was asleep. It started on the back of my hand, and then moved to my wrist. When I opened my eyes, I could hardly see because the bright light from the sun was s.h.i.+ning through the bedroom window. I tried to lift my hand to cover my eye, but when I tried to move, I realized that the pains were on the inside of my arm. I squinted and tried to lift my arm again. It wouldn't move. It wouldn't move because there was pressure on it, holding it down, face-up, on the bed. The pressure squeezed my wrist when I tried to lift it. There was someone holding my arm down by my wrist. I was hurting. I had to get up and make it stop. I tried to sit up.

”No! Keep still! I almost have it,” a female voice yelled at me. She took her hand off my wrist and violently pushed me back down on the bed.

When my eyes focused, I noticed that there was a tall woman hovering over me. She had a needle in her hand. I watched her as she brought the needle down to my inner arm and stuck me again. It felt like she had stuck me in the same spot she had tried previously.

The pain was terrible. She was having a hard time drawing my blood. She s.n.a.t.c.hed the needle out of my arm, sending an excruciating pain up my arm to my head.

”Ouch! Please... Stop it...!” I cried helplessly. Blood squirted from my arm out onto the bed sheet. My arm felt like she had been sticking me with needles while I had been asleep all morning.

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