Part 25 (1/2)
”Some few things I believe I settled, so far as I understand them.” Jeff was frowning at the table where his hand beat an impatient measure. ”I saw things in the large. I saw how the nations--all of 'em, in living under present conditions--could go to h.e.l.l quickest. That's what they're bent on doing. And I saw how they could call a halt if they would. But how to start in on my own life, I don't know. You'd think I'd had time enough to face the thing and lick it into shape. I haven't. I don't know any more what to do than if I'd been born yesterday--on a new planet--and not such an easy one.”
While the colonel had bewailed his own limitations a querulous discontent had ivoried his face. Now it had cleared and left the face sedate and firm in a gravity fitted to its n.o.bility of line.
”Jeff,” he said. He leaned over the table and touched Jeffrey's hand.
Jeff looked up.
”What is it?” he asked.
”The reason you're not prepared to go on is because you don't care. You don't care a hang about yourself.”
Jeffrey debated a moment. It was true. His troublesome self did not seem to him of any least account.
”Well,” said he, ”let's go to bed.”
But they shook hands before they parted, and the colonel did not put his pipe away in the drawer. He left it on the mantel, conveniently at hand.
XV
Next morning Anne, after listening at the colonel's door and hearing nothing, decided not to tap. She went on downstairs to be saluted by a sound she delighted in: a low humming. It came from the library where her father was happily and most villainously attacking the only song he knew: ”Lord Lovell.” Anne's heart cleared up like a smiling sky. She went in to him, and he, at the window, his continued humming like the spinning of a particularly eccentric top, turned and greeted her, and he seemed to be very well and almost gay. He showed no sign of even remembering yesterday, and when presently Jeffrey came in and then Lydia, they all behaved, Anne thought, like an ordinary family with no queer problems round the corner.
After breakfast Jeffrey turned to Lydia and said quite simply: ”Come into the orchard and walk a little.”
But to Lydia, Anne saw, with a mild surprise, his asking must have meant something not so simple. Her face flushed all over, and a misty sweetness, like humility and grat.i.tude, came into her eyes. Jeffrey, too, caught that morning glow, only to find his task the sadder. How to say things to her! and after all, what was it possible to say? They went down into the orchard, and Lydia, by his side, paced demurely. He saw she was trying to fit her steps to his impatient stride, and shortened up on it. He felt very tender toward Lydia. At last, when it seemed as if they might be out of range of the windows, and, he unreasonably felt, more free, he broke out abruptly:
”I've got a lot of things to say to you.” Lydia glanced up at him with that wonderful, exasperating look, half humility, and waited. It seemed to her he must have a great deal to say. ”I don't believe it's possible for you--for a girl--to understand what it would be for a man in my place to come home and find everybody so sweet and kind. I mean you--and Anne.”
Now he felt nothing short of shame. But she took him quickly enough. He didn't have to go far along the shameful road. She glanced round at him again, and, knowing what the look must be, he did not meet it. He could fancy well the hurt inquiry leaping into those innocent eyes.
”What have I done,” she asked, and his mind supplied the accusatory inference, ”that you don't love me any more?”
He hastened to answer.
”You've been everything that's sweet and kind.” He added, whether wisely or not he could not tell, what seemed to him the truth: ”I haven't got hold of myself. I thought it would be an easy stunt to come back and stay a while and then go away and get into something permanent. But it's no such thing. Lydia, I don't understand people very well. I don't understand myself. I'm afraid I'm a kind of blackguard.”
”Oh, no,” said Lydia gravely. ”You're not that.”
She did not understand him, but she was, in her beautiful confidence, sure he was right. She was hurt. There was the wound in her heart, and that new sensation of its actually bleeding; but she had a fine courge of her own, and she knew grief over that inexplicable pang must be put away until the sight of it could not trouble him.
”I'm going to ask you a question,” said Jeffrey shortly, in his distaste for asking it at all. ”Do you want me to take father away with me, you and Anne?”
”Are you going away?” she asked, in an irrepressible tremor.
”Answer me,” said Jeffrey.
She was not merely the beautiful child he had thought her. There was something dauntless in her, something that could endure. He felt for her a quick pa.s.sion of comrades.h.i.+p and the wors.h.i.+p men have for women who seem to them entirely beautiful and precious enough to be saved from disillusion.
”If I took him away with me--and of course it would be made possible,”
he was blundering over this in decency--”possible for you to live in comfort--wouldn't you and Anne like to have some life of your own? You haven't had any. Like other girls, I mean.”