Chapter 46 (1/2)

“How can I prove it to her?”

Ruhae sat at his desk as usual. If there was anything different about him these days, his busy work and favorite books couldn’t catch his eye.

“What can I prove to her at all?”

He let out a long sigh. His voice was full of self-reproach. Though he spoke with bravado before Kyosul, he didn’t know what to do.

How to deal with one’s emotions was difficult. It was the first time Ruhae had to wrestle with his emotions. Little did he think he was going agonize over love.

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“Love someone?”

At the slightest mention of that word, he felt thrilled and often smiled before he knew. He was severely troubled by his complicated mind until a moment ago, but he suddenly burst into smiling as if something came to his mind.

“So far, I’ve thought that emotions have nothing to do with me, but you’re really an amazing woman to me.”

Ruhae was a recognized scholar in the Mok Kingdom who was interested in learning or state affairs only. Nobody imagined he would agonize over an issue for so long, that was not related to his learning or state affairs.

Ruhae was aware of what love was. Of course, he knew the definition at least.

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“Indeed, how can you mention love here in this imperial palace?”

The word ‘love’ didn’t fit the imperial palace at all. It couldn’t be more foolish to mention love in the imperial palace just like one mentioned floods in the desert. The relation of acquaintance in the imperial palace was formed with the focus on the relevant parties’ self-interest. Of course, there were some people in the palace who shared their genuine feelings and opinions.

For example, Prince Dukwol and his wife Oran, Prince Binsung and Heyrin were on intimate terms, sharing genuine love. Though Dukwol and Oran were married for political convenience, they led a happy married life.

In the case of Binsung and Heyjin, it was somewhat different. He forcibly took her as his wife thanks to his mother and Ohyulje’s favorite concubine Jeyong’s pressure and his stubbornness.

But it was a special case involving Binsung and Heyjin and seemed irrelevant to Ruhae. For Ruhae, his relationship with Kyosul was more complicated as it involved Bipaan, his older brother and his official wife.

“I’m not going to hide my affection for you nor try to stop my longing for you.”

Ruhae vowed again.

It was the first time he met the type of woman that he wanted so much with so fervent feelings and longing.

He closed his eyes. He always thought about her and looked into his heart.

His pounding heartbeat vibrated through him. A woman’s face he always missed was deeply etched in his heart.

Though it was brief, he could vividly feel her touch when she was wrapped in her arms. He didn’t want to forget or lose her touch.

“I think I have to honestly show her my genuine feelings about her.”

He opened his eyes. There would be no sense in relying on luck or cunning tricks in courting her.

Though her relationship with her was complicated, he had to solve it step by step.

As this was the first time he went through this kind of relationship, he had to tackle it just like he used to tackle problems.

He took out a piece of white drawing paper. And he rubbed an ink stick on an inkstone for a long time. Only when it started to get dark did he pick up the brush. He held and put down the brush several times, and finally, he dipped the brush in the inks and put down a black dot on the drawing paper.

You asked me why I led you on, right? You asked me whether I made fun of you, right? I dared not to deceive you. I just couldn’t say that in front of you.

Once he started confessing, he he couldn’t stop. He continued to write.

The drawing paper was quickly filled with his longing for her as if to dispel his agonizing hours up to now.

Maybe I embraced you in my heart from the beginning. That’s why I couldn’t identify myself to you at that time. I didn’t want to let the difference in our status stand in the way of our relationship. But that was my shallow trick, which I think was very foolish. Though it was certain that someday my real identity would be revealed to you, I just wanted to hide it and be with you as an ordinary man, not in the capacity of a prince…

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Recalling her face, he kept writing until late into the night. His endless longing for her poured out over the paper. After he finished, he looked back at his affectionate feelings toward her.

“Oh, my mind looks like this. If I hand this paper to you, can you appreciate how much I miss you?”

But he ran into the next difficulty.

The imperial palace was vast. Unless he had any special business, it was difficult to bump into Kyosul. Besides, the court ladies resided with the Crown Princess. To make matters worse, Kyosul avoided seeing Ruhae these days. She seemed to have stopped taking a stroll in the back garden of the outer palace.