Part 8 (1/2)

”I've never tried,” said Jorden hesitantly. ”I've never tried to put it into words. It's something I didn't know was in me until I heard of the chance to colonize Serrengia. And then I knew I had to come.

”It's like a growing that you feel in every cell. It's a growing out and away, and it's what you have to do. You're a sperm--an ovum--and if you don't leave the parent body you die. You don't have to hate what you leave behind as James and Boggs and so many of the others do. It gave you life, and for that you're grateful. But you've got to have a life of your own.

”It's what I was born to do, Bonnie. I didn't know it was there, but now I've found it I can't kill it.”

”You have to kill it--or me.”

”You don't mean that. You're part of me. You've been a part of me so long you feel what I feel. You're lying, Bonnie, when you say you're going away. You don't want to go. You want to go on with me, but something's holding you back. What is it, Bonnie? Tell me what it is that holds you back!”

Her eyes went wide. For a moment she thought he was talking out of the real situation, not the make-believe of the test. Then she recognized the impossibility of this. Her eyes cast a pleading glance in the direction of the observation tubes.

Ashby spoke fiercely: ”Go on, Bonnie! Don't lose the tension. Push him.

We've got to know. He's almost there!”

She moved slowly to the dresser where she had laid Jorden's hunting knife previously, as if with no particular intent. Now, out of sight of Jorden, her hand touched it. She picked it up.

Ashby's voice came again. ”Bonnie--move!”

She murmured, ”Lost--”

And then she whirled about, knife in hand. She cried aloud. ”I can't go on any further! Can't you see this is enough? Stop it! Stop it--”

Jorden leaped for the knife.

In the observation room a technician touched a switch.

Ashby felt the subdued elation of success reached after a long and strenuous effort. Bonnie was seated across the desk from him, but he sat at an angle so that he could see the four hulls out of the corner of his eye. One and Two had made their test flights and the others would not be far behind. The expedition would be a success, too. There was no longer any doubt of that, because he knew now where to look for adequate personnel.

”I'm glad I didn't foul up your test completely, anyway,” said Bonnie slowly. ”Even if what you say about Mark shouldn't turn out to be true.”

Ashby moved his chair around to face her directly. She was rested, and had gone through a mental re-orientation which had removed some of the tension from her face.

”You didn't foul it up at all,” he said. ”We went far enough to learn that he would have survived even your suicide, and would have continued in his determination to carry the colony forward. Nothing but his own death will stand in his way if he actually sets out on such a project.

Are you completely sure you want to be tied to such a single purposed man as Mark Jorden is?”

”There's no doubt of that! But I just don't feel as if I can face him now--with his knowing.... How can I ever be sure his feeling for me was not merely induced by the test experience, and might change as time goes on? You should have wiped it all out, and let us start over from scratch. It would have been easier that way.”

”There isn't time enough before the s.h.i.+ps leave. But why should we have erased it all? We took away the postulates of the test and left Bonnie in his memory. His love for you didn't vanish when the test postulates went. As long as he has a memory of you he will love you. So why make him fall in love with you twice? No use wasting so much important time at your age. Here he comes--”

Bonnie felt she couldn't possibly turn around as the door opened behind her. She heard Mark's moment of hesitation, his slow steps on the carpet. Ashby was smiling a little and nodding. Then she felt the hard grip of Mark's hands on her shoulders. He drew her up and turned her to face him. Her eyes were wet.