Part 20 (2/2)

'I spent the morning by the pool.'

'Alone?' she asks suspiciously. How does she know?

'With Stevie.'

'Nice,' she mutters, with heavy sarcasm.

'And this afternoon I went shopping for Laura.'

'A guilt purchase?'

'No. A thank-you present,' I insist, huffily.

'Having a good time then?'

'Sort of.' I pause.

Where do I begin? I am so confused. I cannot find any clarity no matter how much I search my head or even my heart. I need to talk to someone about this but my usual options of Phil or Laura are non-starters. I don't get the feeling that Amelie is going to be especially sympathetic either but I'm so desperate I blurt out what's in my mind.

'What if I've married the wrong one?'

'Which one are you talking about? You're married to both of them,' replies Amelie flatly.

'I have feelings for Stevie,' I confess.

'What sort of feelings?'

I can't tell Amelie that I keep stealing glances at Stevie's muscled arms, chest and shoulders or admit that I find his lean stomach fascinating and the thin line of hair that leads to the contents of his swimwear is as enticing as the Yellow Brick Road. The problem is he's s.e.xy. Not in an obvious way well, actually yes, he's s.e.xy in an obvious way but he's also s.e.xy in a funny, quirky way. He's what he always was. I squirm on my seat and concentrate on the feelings I can tell Amelie.

'He's easy to talk to. After all, I've known him forever.'

'You haven't spoken to the man for eight years. You don't know him. It's a common desire endless intimacy. But you haven't known anyone forever and nor has anyone known you that long.'

'I think about him all the time,' I whisper.

'In what way?' she asks, seriously.

'In that way. The way women think about men.' I'm hedging. 'Being with him feels special. Do you think that's telling?'

'What do you want to be told?' asks Amelie. 'I can't answer the question, Bella. I'm as new to this situation as you are. I don't know how you're supposed to feel.'

I'm probably not supposed to feel l.u.s.t, or longing or loyalty, I'm almost certain of that. 'I don't want to think about Stevie. I'm trying not to.'

'But you have to try?'

'Yes, and even then I fail. I'm really trying to be sensible. I'm not drinking.'

'Good idea.'

'Well, at least, not when I'm with Phil.'

'Wouldn't it be more sensible not to drink around Stevie?'

'Maybe.' I own up. 'I'm so confused. I've changed my mind about five times since I arrived here.'

'Where does that leave you? Back where you started?'

'I don't know. Dizzy. Today, when we were alone together in the pool I found myself employing that trick you taught me for my wedding day.'

'What?'

'Preserving two or three unforgettable details that can't be captured on film.'

'And what did you capture?'

'The smell of suns.h.i.+ne and sun lotion on warm flesh and the sunlight on the pool surface.'

'I meant on your wedding day to Phil,' clarifies Amelie, starkly.

'Oh.' I'm startled. 'Erm, lilies, I think, and the feel of Phil's jacket when he put it round my shoulders in the car as we left the reception.'

'That's what you need to be concentrating on,' advises Amelie sternly.

I rush at the only question I really want an answer to, 'Do you think it's possible to be in love with two men at the same time?'

'No,' she replies flatly.

'But people are!' I insist. 'That's why there's that song, ”Torn Between Two Lovers”.' I start to hum the lines about not knowing who to choose and breaking rules.

Amelie impatiently interrupts me, 'You asked if I believe it's possible to love two people and I don't. True love is all-absorbing. It's possible to be curious, infatuated, wistful maybe...'

I get the point she's making but I don't like it much. I try to ignite her sympathies. 'It must be a truly pitiful position to be in, though, don't you think? If, say, inadvertently you found yourself in love with two men at the same time. I mean, especially if you were married to both of them as well.'

'Bella! All I can see here is how awful it is to be Laura or Philip. You're not in love with Stevie. I don't even believe you're particularly well suited. It's easy to be sentimental when you're striving for closure.'

'But he's really hot!' I blurt.

'Closure is always more tricky to attain with s.e.x-G.o.d types but don't get it mixed up, Bella. Don't risk everything you have with Phil, just for s.e.x.'

'If it's only s.e.xual attraction then maybe I should just s.h.a.g him and be done with it. That would help me put an end to it, hey?' I've expressed my most secret fantasy in the guise of a jest.

Amelie isn't fooled. 'Don't joke about affairs, Bella.'

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