Part 11 (1/2)

I get to my feet and follow her. I hear Amelie say to Laura, 'Relax. She's going to grill the Roquefort, not Stevie. He's lovely.' Under normal circ.u.mstances I'd be chuffed but my head is too scrambled to care.

Last night I made love to Laura. And I mean made love. We didn't just s.h.a.g or screw or even f.u.c.k or what is that Aussie word she uses? Root. We didn't do any of those things. We really went for it. It was clear that we were both very much into each other. I'd been cautious about starting anything full-on with Laura. She's still reeling from the hurt of her divorce and she's too nice to mess around. Not that I'm keen on messing anyone around; I just mean that some ladies are more emotionally robust than others. Unless you think you might fall in love with a woman like Laura, it's kindest to leave her alone.

Last night I would have sworn I was in love with her.

I nearly did in fact. As we were lying exhausted and satiated in one another's sweat and stickiness I found myself a hair's breadth from muttering those three little words. It wasn't just that she gave the best head that I have ever had the pleasure to receive. It wasn't just because we'd flipped and quipped our way through a fair amount of the Kama Sutra with a confidence and comfortableness normally reserved for established couples. I've spent two weeks with this woman and her son. She's fun and firm, loving and light-hearted. She seems the perfect mum to me and Eddie obviously thinks so too. I've seen her manner with her builders, her neighbours, shop a.s.sistants and mums at the school gate, and she's perfect. She has a laugh but doesn't allow anyone to take the p.i.s.s. I know that sometimes, when she's feeling down, she's p.r.o.ne to seeing herself as a victim but her att.i.tude is entirely victor. It's the mix of inward self-doubt and outward big clout that I admire so much. She even talked a traffic warden out of giving me a ticket. I've never seen that happen before.

Last night I was going to tell her I loved her. Or at least, I might have boy-fudged it and said, if not exactly that, then something like, 'I can see myself falling in love with you.' But one thing stopped me. Not the risk of making a total a.r.s.e of myself and her laughing in my face. And not even the fact that we've only known each other two weeks and I might scare her off. The thing that stopped me was Belinda McDonnel.

How do you tell your girlfriend that you're not exactly sure of your marital status? I dunno. I really don't. And I've thought about this conundrum on and off for several years. My uncertainty about it has meant that it's easier to keep things casual with the ladies and until now, that hasn't been much of a problem. But all last night, today, and even right now, I've been thinking that I might be falling in love with Laura, that she's the ideal girl for me.

So why is it that as I follow Belinda into the kitchen I wonder if, once we are alone, we'll fall into each other's arms?

It's not an absolutely bizarre thought, well, not in the context of the evening. I don't actively want this to happen but as I watch her neat a.r.s.e sway in front of me and recognize the mole on her shoulder, which I have kissed countless times, I feel a shudder in my trousers. I'm ashamed. And angry. Angry that she can still affect me this way. So instead of falling into one another's arms, the moment we're alone, I ensure that we fall into another old habit instead.

'Do you want to tell me what's going on, Belinda?' I snap.

'I can't explain here,' she hisses, casting a furtive glance at the kitchen door.

'You're going to b.l.o.o.d.y have to.'

'Look, I'm sorry.'

'Sorry? Sorry for what exactly? Marrying me? Divorcing me without telling me? When did we get divorced, by the way? Shouldn't I have received a solicitor's letter or something?'

The colour drains from Belinda's face. Her blusher stands out on her ashen cheeks like bruises. Her lips are a slash of bright red lipstick. For a moment her face loses its beauty and she looks like a clown.

'We're not divorced,' she mutters.

'We're we're not?' I blindly feel around me, find a stool and plonk myself on it. Why the f.u.c.k am I pleased? She was mine and then I lost her. This evening I found her, but only briefly because I a.s.sumed, as she was married to Philip, that she was no longer married to me. For a fraction of a second I had felt intense grief as I flushed down the pan any latent fantasies I'd had about our reconciliation. Not that I truly want her, I don't. I've just found Laura. Meeting Belinda today must be viewed as a terrible, horrible inconvenience. So why the f.u.c.k am I feeling pleased?

'But you're married to-'

'Philip, yes.'

'You're a-'

'A bigamist, yes,' whispers Belinda. She sits on the stool next to mine and takes my hand. 'Look at me, Stevie. Please. This is important. We haven't got much time.'

I look at her. The sophisticated woman, who I have just watched calmly swallow oysters, has vanished. For some moments back there in the dining room I had almost hated Bella Edwards; she seemed smug and coldly unconcerned about my turmoil. The turmoil she'd caused. But Bella's grace and self-confidence have dissolved. I'm left with Belinda. I recognize the haunted, unsure look she's wearing now. Something inside me takes the blow and not just inside my trousers. I feel tender towards her, protective. Get me off this G.o.d-awful rollercoaster: I'm not enjoying the ride.

'I'm begging you, don't say anything. Please, give me some time. We'll meet. I'll explain everything. We're in such a mess here.'

'We are not in a mess. You are in a mess,' I point out.

'What about Laura? Don't you care for her?' Once again she is Bella. She is cold and grasping to regain control. She snuffs out my feelings of warmth. She doesn't want me on her side, she wants a defeated opponent. She knows that because I've stayed silent and complicit for this much of the evening I am already in a weak position. It was probably part of her plan. There was always a ruthless side to Belinda.

'I do care for Laura. Maybe I'll just walk out there and tell everyone what you've just told me.'

'You can't do that.'

'Why not?'

'Because Laura would be devastated. Anything you are starting would be shot to pieces.' She could be right about that. Laura is fragile. I don't want to hurt or lose Laura. 'And-'

'Yes?'

'I'm asking you not to.' I stare at her impa.s.sively. 'I'm begging you not to. For old times' sake, give me this one chance to explain,' she adds.

'I don't know what to do,' I say, pulling my hand through my hair.

'Then just write down the address of your school and I'll be at the gate on Monday afternoon at four fifteen.' She points to a pen and pad. There's a long shopping list with groceries whose names I don't even recognize. What the h.e.l.l do you do with calabrese and chayote squash? Bella picks up a large tureen and makes for the kitchen door. She stops and says, 'Look, Stevie. I really am sorry.'

I don't know what to believe.

21. Trying to Get to You.

Philip.

'Did you have a nice evening?' I ask as Bella finally comes to bed. She cleared away the entire dinner party, insisting that she couldn't bear to come down to the smell of stale plates in the morning. She ushered me up to bed, saying that I need to sleep at the weekends because on weekdays I have to get up early, which is true, but I wasn't convinced by her n.o.ble protest that she wanted to do the was.h.i.+ng-up to give me a break; I had the feeling that she didn't want me around. When she came to bed and saw that I was still awake, reading Newsweek, her face showed a flicker of disappointment, which she immediately snuffed out with a broad smile.

'Did you have a nice evening?' I ask again.

She doesn't answer the question, just says, 'I have to do my exercises. Should I do them in another room? I don't want to keep you up.'

'Get into bed, Bella. You can't do sit-ups on a full stomach.' I pull back the duvet. Bella sighs and gets into bed. 'Why are you wearing pants?' I ask.

Normally, we sleep naked. I love the intimacy this suggests. It shows we're open to one another and open to s.e.x, of course. Sometimes Bella comes to bed wearing frilly, s.e.xy numbers; panties which clearly tell me she's feeling cheeky. At the moment she's wearing her period pants although I know she is not on her period. I wonder what she's saying.

'Full stomach, as you said. I feel fat,' she explains.

'That's ridiculous. You're beautiful.'

'I'm not,' snaps Bella, turning her back to me. I sigh, put down my book, turn out the light and snuggle up to her. I'm relieved when she pushes her b.u.m into my crotch. This means that although Bella is feeling huffy, I'm not to blame. Next I have to establish who or what is.

'So, did you have a nice evening?' I ask for the third time.

'Yes, it was fine.'

'Just fine?'

'Fine.'

I'm stumped. Normally after our dinner parties she takes ages to wind down. She wants to chatter about who said what, who was wearing what, did they like our food? What did I think of pudding? Haven't we got great friends? Aren't we lucky? Tonight I was expecting a full grilling on my impressions of Stevie and a blow-by-blow a.n.a.lysis on what Bella thought of him and how much chance Laura's relations.h.i.+p has. I'd even practised a response because I often get ticked off for not taking enough interest. I'm a bit peeved not to get the opportunity to showcase my chatter.

'Delicious dinner, my love,' I say to kick-start the conversation.