Part 4 (1/2)
A look of irritation, quickly squelched, crossed Max's face. ”Doctor, aboard this vessel, I'm 'Captain.'”
”Oh, quite right. So sorry. I have only limited experience in dealing with combat officers who are actually conscious. The ones I'm used to seeing weren't much concerned with t.i.tles when I had my hands inside their chest cavities. In any event, Captain, I have a problem that I need to discuss with you.”
”What problem?”
”The men continue to insult me.”
Max flushed. ”Insult you? A commissioned officer? Not here, they don't. There will be no insubordination on my s.h.i.+p. Who's been insulting you? What kind of insult? I won't stand for it.”
Sahin was taken aback by Max's vehemence, but having broached the subject, he had no choice but to go forward. ”There was a pulse cannon coolant leak yesterday, before I came aboard, and several of the men were briefly exposed to the fumes. There were no apparent injuries at the time, but I was conducting a follow-up examination as a precaution-just to be sure that there was no latent pulmonary damage and hemotoxicity. During these examinations, virtually every one of them addressed me in the friendliest and most cheerful tone of voice, you understand, but with the most insulting name.”
Max's anger grew. His eyes blazed and he gritted his teeth. In a cold, deadly voice, sounding for all the worlds as though he were ready to toss the malefactors out the nearest airlock, he asked, ”And what, exactly, did they call you.”
”Captain,” the doctor continued reluctantly, afraid of what would happen to the men in question, ”I very much regret to tell you that they called me... Bones.”
The word hung in the ensuing silence for a heartbeat, after which Max shattered the tension by laughing out loud, the clouds of his anger dispersing like a quickly spent summer thundershower. When his mirth subsided and he could speak again, he said, ”Doctor, oh, Doctor”-he was still gasping for air-”you weren't insulted. Not even close. Don't you know that 'Bones' is a traditional nickname for a s.h.i.+p's chief medical officer? It's short for 'sawbones.' It's a term of respect and affection, going back to the earliest days of our service. You must've done an excellent job or shown them uncommon kindness. s.p.a.cers call a doctor 'Bones' only if they like him. It's quite the compliment, especially to have acquired the nickname so quickly after you've joined the s.h.i.+p.”
”How peculiar. And 'Bones' seems like such an unflattering name for a physician. Is this custom of bestowing nicknames that go with one's function common in the Navy?”
”Absolutely. There are about a dozen of them that go all the way back to the first UESF s.h.i.+ps in 2034. We call our chief gunner 'Dirty Harry'; the youngest or smallest mids.h.i.+pman, 'Will Robinson'; the armorer or weapons master, 'Burt Gummer'; the astrocartographer, 'Galileo'; our mids.h.i.+pmen's trainer, 'Mother Goose'; the communications officer, 'Sparks'; the chief navigator, 'Magellan'; and the chief engineer, 'Scotty.' There's a few more that are less common. We don't know the source for a lot of these names, but they're traditional, and we in the Navy respect our traditions.”
”Oh. That is quite different. Very well. So long as it is kindly meant, then I will take no offense. But I continue to be confused and bewildered here. How does one learn all of these traditions, these unwritten rules, these secret understandings that are a part of this fascinating but so very insular subculture?”
”I've never really thought about that. For most, it isn't a problem. More than 85 percent of the crew on most wars.h.i.+ps have been in s.p.a.ce since boyhood. This world is part of our upbringing. The Navy is our hometown and our s.h.i.+pmates are our family. I went to s.p.a.ce when I was eight years old, right after the Gynophage took my mother and baby sisters. I hardly remember what it's like to be a civilian, to live in a house, for the weekends to be different from the weekdays, to look out a window and see something other than blackness.
”The average man on a naval vessel went to s.p.a.ce at age nine and a half. Don't worry, Doctor. As you live it, you'll learn it. And you're surrounded by crew who'll be happy to help you because they have every reason to seek your favor. No man on this s.h.i.+p wants to anger the s.h.i.+p's surgeon, for obvious reasons. As you take care of them, they'll take care of you. It appears that the men already think kindly of you, and that'll go far for someone in your position.”
”That's good to know, Captain.” He smiled sheepishly. ”And thank you for the advice and for not berating me for my ignorance, as many have done before. I consider it a kindness. It means a great deal to me.”
”Think nothing of it, Doctor. You'll find that there's often great generosity in the Navy, except to our enemies. Now, if there's nothing further, I have another appointment in a few minutes.”
”Of course, Captain. That is all I have.” He rose.
”Oh, Doctor.”
”Yes, Captain.”
”Before you go back to the Casualty Station, I need you to do something.”
”Yes, sir?”
”Go to the quartermaster on C Deck, Compartment 09, tell him that I sent you, and ask him to give you correct and proper instruction on the regulation arrangement of that uniform. Tell him to explain it just like he would to the newest squeaker. And let him know that if he practices on your credulous simplicity in any way, I'll use him as a cutla.s.s drill dummy. Use just those words.”
”I will, Captain.” The doctor's brow furrowed in thought. ”Captain, you said that the quartermaster was not to 'practice on my credulous simplicity.' Is that not a quote from The Pirates of Penzance?”
”It is,” Max said, surprised.
”Ah, yes. I recall the scene. Right after the famous 'Paradox' song. Are you an aficionado of Gilbert and Sullivan?”
”I am. You?”
”I find the libretti utterly ridiculous and the music totally... sublime. I cherish their work as a wellspring of infinite mirth and a fountain of ever-living beauty in a vast, lonely desert of conflict and suffering.”
”That's beautiful,” Max said in a low voice, strangely moved.
”Captain, may I say that I am somewhat surprised,” the doctor went on, oblivious. ”One does not expect to find in your position a man appreciative of four-hundred-year-old British comic operettas.”
”Doctor, if that surprised you, then you're in for lots of surprises in the Navy. No mold fits all the men we've got. The quartermaster I'm sending you to was, at one time, a famous Gilbert and Sullivan performer. In fact, he played the Pirate King in a command performance for the Union president and the Senate on Earth about twenty years ago.”
”It is surprising, indeed, to find such a man in the Navy.”
”Not as much as you might think, Doctor. He was with the Rechartered D'Oyly Carte Opera Company of Victoria Regina.”
”Really?” the doctor exclaimed mildly, clearly not getting it.
”Doctor, VicReg fell to the Krag in 2298.”
”Oh.” Long pause. ”We should watch a performance together on trid vid sometime, or perhaps sing a duet or a trio with the quartermaster.”
”Maybe, Doctor, when this s.h.i.+p's in better order. For now, though, if there's nothing further, you're dismissed.”
The doctor gave a salute that was marginally more correct than the first; Max returned it, and he departed.
Max hit a b.u.t.ton on his desk. ”Lao, is my next appointment out there?”
”Yes, Captain.”
”Send him in.”
The hatch opened and the Marine guard admitted a beefy man, just over medium height, with reddish-blond hair and a reddish-blond mustache, framing a distinctly reddish and patently jolly face that was doing its best at the moment to affect an expression of severe disapproval.
The man approached Max's desk. They exchanged brisk salutes.
”Lieutenant Brown reporting as ordered, sir.”
”Have a seat, Wernher. Coffee?”
”Thank you, sir, but no. I've got about six or seven liters in me. I'm overdriving my reactors as it is.”
”How're things shaping up down in Engineering?”