Part 16 (1/2)
Was it because this was how he was thinking of himself right now? Was she capturing his image of himself? Was there some lingering connection between their minds?
”Ender,” she said, ”what happened down there?”
”Better than I hoped,” said Ender.
”What was?”
”The link between us.”
”You expected that?”
”Wanted it.” Ender sat on the side of the car, his feet dangling in the tall gra.s.s. ”She was hot today, wasn't she?”
”Was she? I wouldn't know how to compare.”
”Sometimes she's so intellectual-- it's like doing higher mathematics in my head, just talking to her. This time-- like a child. Of course, I've never been with her when she was laying queen eggs. I think she may have told us more than she meant to.”
”You mean she didn't mean her promise?”
”No, Val, no, she always always means her promises. She doesn't know how to lie.” means her promises. She doesn't know how to lie.”
”Then what did you mean?”
”I was talking about the link between me and her. How they tried to tame me. That was really something, wasn't it? She was furious there for a moment, when she thought that you might have been the link they needed. You know what that would have meant to them-- they wouldn't have been destroyed. They might even have used me to communicate with the human governments. Shared the galaxy with us. Such a lost opportunity.”
”You would have been-- like a b.u.g.g.e.r. A slave slave to them.” to them.”
”Sure. I I wouldn't have liked it. But all the lives that would have been saved-- I was a soldier, wasn't I? If one soldier, dying, can save the lives of billions ...” wouldn't have liked it. But all the lives that would have been saved-- I was a soldier, wasn't I? If one soldier, dying, can save the lives of billions ...”
”But it couldn't have worked. You have an independent will,” said Valentine.
”Sure,” said Ender. ”Or at least, more independent than the Hive Queen can deal with. You too. Comforting, isn't it?”
”I don't feel very comforted right now,” said Valentine. ”You were inside my head down there. And the Hive Queen-- I feel so violated--”
Ender looked surprised. ”It never feels that way to me.”
”Well, it's not just just that,” said Valentine. ”It was exhilarating, too. And frightening. She's so-- large inside my head. Like I'm trying to contain someone bigger than myself.” that,” said Valentine. ”It was exhilarating, too. And frightening. She's so-- large inside my head. Like I'm trying to contain someone bigger than myself.”
”I guess,” said Ender. He turned to Plikt. ”Was it like that for you, too?”
For the first time Valentine realized how Plikt was looking at Ender, with eyes full, a trembling gaze. But Plikt said nothing.
”That strong, huh?” said Ender. He chuckled and turned to Miro.
Didn't he see? Plikt had already been obsessed with Ender. Now, having had him inside her mind, it might have been too much for her. The Hive Queen talked of taming rogue workers. Was it possible that Plikt had been ”tamed” by Ender? Was it possible that she had lost her soul inside his?
Absurd. Impossible. I hope to G.o.d it isn't so.
”Come on, Miro,” said Ender.
Miro allowed Ender to help him to his feet. Then they climbed back onto the car and headed home to Milagre.
Miro had told them that he didn't want to go to ma.s.s. Ender and Novinha went without him. But as soon as they were gone, he found it impossible to remain in the house. He kept getting the feeling that someone was just outside his range of vision. In the shadows, a smallish figure, watching him. Encased in smooth hard armor, only two clawlike fingers on its slender arms, arms that could be bitten off and cast down like brittle kindling wood. Yesterday's visit to the Hive Queen had bothered him more than he dreamed possible.
I'm a xenologer, he reminded himself. My life has been devoted to dealing with aliens. I stood and watched as Ender flayed Human's mammaloid body and I didn't even flinch, because I'm a dispa.s.sionate scientist. Sometimes maybe I identify too much with my subjects. But I don't have nightmares about them, I don't start seeing them in shadows.
Yet here he was, standing outside the door of his mother's house because in the gra.s.sy fields, in the bright sunlight of a Sunday morning, there were no shadows where a b.u.g.g.e.r could wait to spring.
Am I the only one who feels this way?
The Hive Queen isn't isn't an insect. She and her people are warm-blooded, just like the pequeninos. They respirate, they sweat like mammals. They may carry with them the structural echoes of their evolutionary link with insects, just as we have our resemblances to lemurs and shrews and rats, but they created a bright and beautiful civilization. Or at least a dark and beautiful one. I should see them the way Ender does, with respect, with awe, with affection. an insect. She and her people are warm-blooded, just like the pequeninos. They respirate, they sweat like mammals. They may carry with them the structural echoes of their evolutionary link with insects, just as we have our resemblances to lemurs and shrews and rats, but they created a bright and beautiful civilization. Or at least a dark and beautiful one. I should see them the way Ender does, with respect, with awe, with affection.
And all I managed, barely, was endurance endurance.
There's no doubt that the Hive Queen is raman, capable of comprehending and tolerating us. The question is whether I I am capable of comprehending and tolerating am capable of comprehending and tolerating her her. And I can't be the only one. Ender was so right to keep the knowledge of the Hive Queen from most of the people of Lusitania. If they once saw what I saw, or even caught a glimpse of a single b.u.g.g.e.r, the fear would spread, each one's terror would feed on everyone else's dread, until-- until something. Something bad. Something monstrous.
Maybe we're we're the varelse. Maybe xenocide is built into the human psyche as into no other species. Maybe the best thing that could happen for the moral good of the universe is for the descolada to get loose, to spread throughout the human universe and break us down to nothing. Maybe the descolada is G.o.d's answer to our unworthiness. the varelse. Maybe xenocide is built into the human psyche as into no other species. Maybe the best thing that could happen for the moral good of the universe is for the descolada to get loose, to spread throughout the human universe and break us down to nothing. Maybe the descolada is G.o.d's answer to our unworthiness.
Miro found himself at the door of the cathedral. In the cool morning air it stood open. Inside, they had not yet come to the eucharist. He shuffled in, took his place near the back. He had no desire to commune with Christ today. He simply needed the sight of other people. He needed to be surrounded by human beings. He knelt, crossed himself, then stayed there, clinging to the back of the pew in front of him, his head bowed. He would have prayed, but there was nothing in the Pai Nosso Pai Nosso to deal with his fear. Give us this day our daily bread? Forgive us our trespa.s.ses? Thy kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven? That would be good. G.o.d's kingdom, in which the lion could dwell with the lamb. to deal with his fear. Give us this day our daily bread? Forgive us our trespa.s.ses? Thy kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven? That would be good. G.o.d's kingdom, in which the lion could dwell with the lamb.
Then there came to his mind an image of St. Stephen's vision: Christ sitting at the right hand of G.o.d. But on the left hand was someone else. The Queen of Heaven. Not the Holy Virgin but the Hive Queen, with whitish slime quivering on the tip of her abdomen. Miro clenched his hands on the wood of the pew before him. G.o.d take this vision from me. Get thee behind me, Enemy.
Someone came and knelt beside him. He didn't dare to open his eyes. He listened for some sound that would declare his companion to be human. But the rustling of cloth could just as easily be wing casings sliding across a hardened thorax.
He had to force this image away. He opened his eyes. With his peripheral vision he could see that his companion was kneeling. From the slightness of the arm, from the color of the sleeve, it was a woman.
”You can't hide from me forever,” she whispered.
The voice was wrong. Too husky. A voice that had spoken a hundred thousand times since last he heard it. A voice that had crooned to babies, cried out in the throes of love, shouted at children to come home, come home. A voice that had once, when it was young, told him of a love that would last forever.
”Miro, if I could have taken your cross upon myself, I would have done it.”
My cross cross? Is that what it is I carry around with me, heavy and sluggish, weighing me down? And here I thought it was my body.
”I don't know what to tell you, Miro. I grieved-- for a long time. Sometimes I think I still do. Losing you-- our hope for the future, I mean-- it was better anyway-- that's what I realized. I've had a good family, a good life, and so will you. But losing you as my friend, as my brother, that was the hardest thing, I was so lonely, I don't know if I ever got over that.”
Losing you as my sister sister was the easy part. I didn't need another sister. was the easy part. I didn't need another sister.
”You break my heart, Miro. You're so young. You haven't changed, that's the hardest thing, you haven't changed in thirty years.”
It was more than Miro could bear in silence. He didn't lift his head, but he did raise his voice. Far too loudly for the middle of ma.s.s, he answered her: ”Haven't I?”
He rose to his feet, vaguely aware that people were turning around to look at him.
”Haven't I?” His voice was thick, hard to understand, and he was doing nothing to make it any clearer. He took a halting step into the aisle, then turned to face her at last. ”This is how you remember me?”