Part 13 (1/2)

”And a hard thing to be a true friend to the G.o.dspoken, as well,” said Qing-jao. ”That's why I didn't want you to be my servant, calling me 'holy one' and fearing the sound of my voice. That kind of servant I'd have to send out of my room when the G.o.ds spoke to me.”

If anything, w.a.n.g-mu's tears flowed harder.

”Si w.a.n.g-mu, is it too hard for you to be with me?” asked Qing-jao.

w.a.n.g-mu shook her head.

”If it's ever too hard, I'll understand. You can leave me then. I was alone before. I'm not afraid to be alone again.”

w.a.n.g-mu shook her head, fiercely this time. ”How could I leave you, now that I see how hard it is for you?”

”Then it will be written one day, and told in a story, that Si w.a.n.g-mu never left the side of Han Qing-jao during her purifications.”

Suddenly w.a.n.g-mu's smile broke across her face, and her eyes opened into the squint of laughter, despite the tears still s.h.i.+ning on her cheeks. ”Don't you hear the joke you told?” said w.a.n.g-mu. ”My name-- Si w.a.n.g-mu. When they tell that story, they won't know it was your secret maid with you. They'll think it was the Royal Mother of the West.”

Qing-jao laughed then, too. But an idea also crossed her mind, that perhaps the Royal Mother was a true ancestor-of-the-heart to w.a.n.g-mu, and by having w.a.n.g-mu by her side, as her friend, Qing-jao also had a new closeness with this G.o.d who was almost the oldest of them all.

w.a.n.g-mu laid out their sleeping mats, though Qing-jao had to show her how; it was w.a.n.g-mu's proper duty, and Qing-jao would have to let her do it every night, though she had never minded doing it herself. As they lay down, their mats touching edge-to-edge so that no woodgrain lines showed between them, Qing-jao noticed that there was gray light s.h.i.+ning through the slats of the windows. They had stayed awake together all through the day and now all through the night. w.a.n.g-mu's sacrifice was a n.o.ble one. She would be a true friend.

A few minutes later, though, when w.a.n.g-mu was asleep and Qing-jao was on the brink of dozing, it occurred to Qing-jao to wonder exactly how it was that w.a.n.g-mu, a girl with no money, had managed to bribe the foreman of the righteous labor crew to let her speak to Qing-jao today without interruption. Could some spy have paid the bribe for her, so she could infiltrate the house of Han Fei-tzu? No-- Ju Kung-mei, the guardian of the House of Han, would have found out about such a spy and w.a.n.g-mu would never have been hired. w.a.n.g-mu's bribe wouldn't have been paid in money. She, was only fourteen, but Si w.a.n.g-mu was already a very pretty girl. Qing-jao had read enough of history and biography to know how women were usually required to pay such bribes.

Grimly Qing-jao decided that the matter must be discreetly investigated, and the foreman dismissed in unnamed disgrace if it were found to be true; through the investigation, w.a.n.g-mu's name would never be mentioned in public, so that she would be protected from all harm. Qing-jao had only to mention it to Ju Kung-mei and he'd see that it was done.

Qing-jao looked at the sweet face of her sleeping servant, her worthy new friend, and felt overcome by sadness. What most saddened Qing-jao, however, was not the price w.a.n.g-mu had paid to the foreman, but rather that she had paid it for such a worthless, painful, terrible job as that of being secret maid to Han Qing-jao. If a woman must sell the doorway to her womb, as so many women had been forced to do through all of human history, surely the G.o.ds must let her receive something of value in return.

That is why Qing-jao went to sleep that morning even firmer in her resolve to devote herself to the education of Si w.a.n.g-mu. She could not let w.a.n.g-mu's education interfere with her struggle with the riddle of the Lusitania Fleet, but she would take all other possible time and give w.a.n.gmu a fit blessing in honor of her sacrifice. Surely the G.o.ds must expect no less of her, in return for their having sent her such a perfect secret maid.

Chapter 8

Miracles

Ender has been plaguing us lately. Insisting that we think of a way to travel faster than light. You said it couldn't be done. That's what we think. That's what human scientists think. But Ender insists that if ansibles can transmit information, we should be able to transmit matter at the same velocity. Of course that's nonsense-- there's no comparison between information and physical reality. Why does he want so badly to travel faster than light? It's a silly idea, isn't it-- to arrive somewhere before your image does. Like stepping through a mirror in order to try to meet yourself on the other side. Ender and Rooter have talked about this a lot-- I've heard them. Ender thinks that perhaps matter and energy are composed of nothing but but information. That physical reality is nothing but the message that philotes are transmitting to each other. information. That physical reality is nothing but the message that philotes are transmitting to each other. What does Rooter say? He says that Ender is half right. Rooter says that physical reality is is a message-- and the message is a question that the philotes are continually asking G.o.d. a message-- and the message is a question that the philotes are continually asking G.o.d. What is the question? One word: Why? And how does G.o.d answer them? With life. Rooter says that life is how G.o.d gives purpose to the universe.

Miro's whole family came to meet him when he returned to Lusitania. After all, they loved him. And he loved them, too, and after a month in s.p.a.ce he was looking forward to their company. He knew-- intellectually, at least-- that his month in s.p.a.ce had been a quarter-century to them. He had prepared himself for the wrinkles in Mother's face, for even Grego and Quara to be adults in their thirties. What he had not antic.i.p.ated, not viscerally, anyway, was that they would be strangers. No, worse than strangers. They were strangers who pitied him and thought they knew him and looked down on him like a child. They were all older than him. All of them. And all younger, because pain and loss hadn't touched them the way it had touched him.

Ela was the best of them, as usual. She embraced him, kissed him, and said, ”You make me feel so mortal. But I'm glad to see you young.” At least she had the courage to admit that there was an immediate barrier between them, even though she pretended that the barrier was his youth. True, Miro was was exactly as they remembered him-- his face, at least. The long-lost brother returned from the dead; the ghost who comes to haunt the family, eternally young. But the real barrier was the way he moved. The way he spoke. exactly as they remembered him-- his face, at least. The long-lost brother returned from the dead; the ghost who comes to haunt the family, eternally young. But the real barrier was the way he moved. The way he spoke.

They had obviously forgotten how disabled he was, how badly his body responded to his damaged brain. The shuffling step, the twisted, difficult speech-- their memories had excised all that unpleasantness and had remembered him the way he was before his accident. After all, he had only been disabled for a few months before leaving on his time-dilating voyage. It was easy to forget that, and recall instead the Miro they had known for so many years before. Strong, healthy, the only one able to stand up to the man they had called Father. They couldn't conceal their shock. He could see it in their hesitations, their darting glances, the attempt to ignore the fact that his speech was so hard to understand, that he walked so slowly.

He could sense their impatience. Within minutes he could see how some, at least, were maneuvering to get away. So much to do this afternoon. See you at dinner. This whole thing was making them so uncomfortable they had to escape, take time to a.s.similate this version of Miro who had just returned to them, or perhaps plot how to avoid him as much as possible in the future. Grego and Quara were the worst, the most eager to get away, which stung him-- once they had wors.h.i.+ped him. Of course he understood that this was why why it was so hard for them to deal with the broken Miro that stood before them. Their vision of the old Miro was the most naive and therefore the most painfully contradicted. it was so hard for them to deal with the broken Miro that stood before them. Their vision of the old Miro was the most naive and therefore the most painfully contradicted.

”We thought of a big family dinner,” said Ela. ”Mother wanted to, but I thought we should wait. Give you some time.”

”Hope you haven't been waiting dinner all this time for me,” said Miro.

Only Ela and Valentine seemed to realize he was joking; they were the only ones to respond naturally, with a mild chuckle. The others-- for all Miro knew, they hadn't even understood his words at all.

They stood in the tall gra.s.s beside the landing field, all his family: Mother, now in her sixties, hair steely-gray, her face grim with intensity, the way it had always been. Only now the expression was etched deep in the lines of her forehead, the creases beside her mouth. Her neck was a ruin. He realized that she would die someday. Not for thirty or forty years, probably, but someday. Had he ever realized how beautiful she was, before? He had thought somehow that marrying the Speaker for the Dead would soften her, would make her young again. And maybe it had, maybe Andrew Wiggin had made her young at heart. But the body was still what time had made it. She was old.

Ela, in her forties. No husband with her, but maybe she was married and he simply hadn't come. More likely not. Was she married to her work? She seemed to be so genuinely glad to see him, but even she couldn't hide the look of pity and concern. What, had she expected that a month of lightspeed travel would somehow heal him? Had she thought he would stride off the shuttle as strong and bold as a s.p.a.cefaring G.o.d from some romance?

Quim, now in priestly robes. Jane had told Miro that his next-younger brother was a great missionary. He had converted more than a dozen forests of pequeninos, had baptized them, and, under authority from Bishop Peregrino, ordained priests from among them, to administer the sacraments to their own people. They baptized all the pequeninos that emerged from the mothertrees, all the mothers before they died, all the sterile wives who tended the little mothers and their younglings, all the brothers searching for a glorious death, and all the trees. However, only the wives and brothers could take communion, and as for marriage, it was difficult to think of a meaningful way to perform such a rite between a fathertree and the blind, mindless slugs who were mated with them. Yet Miro could see in Quim's eyes a kind of exaltation. It was the glow of power well used; alone of the Ribeira family, Quim had known all his life what he wanted to do. Now he was doing it. Never mind the theological difficulties-- he was St. Paul to the piggies, and it filled him with constant joy. You served G.o.d, little brother, and G.o.d has made you his man.

Olhado, his silver eyes gleaming, his arm around a beautiful woman, surrounded by six children-- the youngest a toddler, the oldest in her teens. Though the children all watched with natural eyes, they still had picked up their father's detached expression. They didn't watch, they simply gazed. With Olhado that had been natural; it disturbed Miro to think that perhaps Olhado had sp.a.w.ned a family of observers, walking recorders taking up experience to play it back later, but never quite involved. But no, that had to be a delusion. Miro had never been comfortable with Olhado, and so whatever resemblance Olhado's children had to their father was bound to make Miro just as uncomfortable with them, too. The mother was pretty enough. Probably not forty yet. How old had she been when Olhado married her? What kind of woman was she, to accept a man with artificial eyes? Did Olhado record their lovemaking, and play back images for her of how she looked in his eyes?

Miro was immediately ashamed of the thought. Is that all I can think of when I look at Olhado-- his deformity? After all the years I knew him? Then how can I expect them to see anything but my my deformities when they look at me? deformities when they look at me?

Leaving here was a good idea. I'm glad Andrew Wiggin suggested it. The only part that makes no sense is coming back. Why am I here?

Almost against his will, Miro turned to face Valentine. She smiled at him, put her arm around him, hugged him. ”It's not so bad,” she said.

Not so bad as what?

”I have only the one brother left to greet me,” she said. ”All your family came to meet you.”

”Right,” said Miro.

Only then did Jane speak up, her voice taunting him in his ear. ”Not all all.”

Shut up, Miro said silently.

”Only one brother?” said Andrew Wiggin. ”Only me?” The Speaker for the Dead stepped forward and embraced his sister. But did Miro see awkwardness there, too? Was it possible that Valentine and Andrew Wiggin were me?” The Speaker for the Dead stepped forward and embraced his sister. But did Miro see awkwardness there, too? Was it possible that Valentine and Andrew Wiggin were shy shy with each other? What a laugh. Valentine, bold as bra.s.s-- she was Demosthenes, wasn't she? --and Wiggin, the man who had broken into their lives and remade their family without so much as a with each other? What a laugh. Valentine, bold as bra.s.s-- she was Demosthenes, wasn't she? --and Wiggin, the man who had broken into their lives and remade their family without so much as a da licenca da licenca. Could they be timid? Could they feel strange?

”You've aged miserably,” said Andrew. ”Thin as a rail. Doesn't Jakt provide a decent living for you?”

”Doesn't Novinha cook?” asked Valentine. ”And you look stupider than ever. I got here just in time to witness your complete mental vegetation.”

”And here I thought you came to save the world.”

”The universe. But you first.”

She put her arm around Miro again, and around Andrew on the other side. She spoke to the others. ”So many of you, but I feel like I know you all. I hope that soon you'll feel that way about me and my family.”

So gracious. So able to put people at ease. Even me, thought Miro. She simply handles handles people. The way Andrew Wiggin does. Did she learn it from him, or did he learn it from her? Or was it born into their family? After all, Peter was the supreme manipulator of all time, the original Hegemon. What a family. As strange as mine. Only theirs is strange because of genius, while mine is strange because of the pain we shared for so many years, because of the twisting of our souls. And I the strangest, the most damaged one of all. Andrew Wiggin came to heal the wounds between us, and did it well. But the inner twisting-- can that ever be healed? people. The way Andrew Wiggin does. Did she learn it from him, or did he learn it from her? Or was it born into their family? After all, Peter was the supreme manipulator of all time, the original Hegemon. What a family. As strange as mine. Only theirs is strange because of genius, while mine is strange because of the pain we shared for so many years, because of the twisting of our souls. And I the strangest, the most damaged one of all. Andrew Wiggin came to heal the wounds between us, and did it well. But the inner twisting-- can that ever be healed?

”How about a picnic?” asked Miro.

This time they all laughed. How was that, Andrew, Valentine? Did I put them at their ease? Did I help things go smoothly? Have I helped everyone pretend that they're glad to see me, that they have some idea of who I am?

”She wanted to come,” said Jane in Miro's ear.

Shut up, said Miro again. I didn't want her to come anyway.