Part 3 (1/2)

Love you, Tony

To: Mel Fuller < From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k < Subject: Another one

Look, Tony's uncle Gio is throwing us an engagement party (yes, another one) and I'm telling you right now, YOU HAVE GOT TO COME. Seriously, Mel, I don't think I can handle another round of Salernos without you. You know what they're like.

And this one has a pool. You know they're going to throw me in. You just know it.

Say you'll come and keep me from being humiliated. PLEASE.

Nad :-O

PS And don't you be giving me that d.a.m.ned DOG excuse again.

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k < From: Mel Fuller < Subject: I can't

You know I can't go. How am I supposed to go all the way out to Long Island when I have Paco to think of? You know he has to go out every four to five hours. I am wearing out my Steve Madden's as it is running back and forth between the office and my apartment building, trying to get there in time to take him out. There's no way I can go all the way out to Long Island. The poor thing might explode.

Mel PS Vivica--you know, the supermodel, and Donald Trump's latest arm candy--has dumped him! Seriously! She's dumped the Donald! He is said to be devastated, and she's gone into hiding. Poor things. I really thought that one was going to work out.

To: Mel Fuller < From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k < Subject: Paco

Okay, this is ridiculous. Mel, you cannot put your life on hold just because your next door neighbor happens to be in a coma. Seriously. There must be someone in the woman's family who can look after that stupid dog. Why do YOU have to do it? You've done enough, for G.o.d's sake. I mean, you probably saved her life. Let someone else handle Paco and his digestive schedule. I mean it. I am not getting into that pool on my own. If you don't find this woman's next of kin, I will.

Nad :( PS Excuse me, I understand your concern for Winona, but the Donald? And Vivica, the Victoria's Secret water-bra girl? They'll be fine. Trust me.

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k < From: Mel Fuller < Subject: Paco It's easy for you to say let someone else handle Paco. My question would be WHO? Mrs. Friedlander's only living relative is her nephew Max, and not even the cops have been able to find him to tell him what happened to her. I know he lives somewhere in the city, but his phone number's unlisted. Apparently, he's some up-and-coming photographer with pictures in the Whitney, or something. At least, according to his aunt. And quite popular with the ladies....ergo, the unlisted number, I a.s.sume so the ladies husbands can't track him down. And of course, his aunt doesn't have his number written down anywhere because she undoubtedly had it memorized. In any case, what can I do? I can't put the poor thing in a kennel. He's already freaked out enough about his owner being...well, you know. How can I leave him locked up in some cage somewhere? Seriously, Nadine, if you saw his eyes, you wouldn't be able to do it, either. He is the sweetest thing I've ever seen, and that includes all my nieces and nephews. If only he were a man. I'd marry him. I swear it.

Mel To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k < from:=”” tony=”” salerno=””></n Subject: What do you mean you're not going?

Nadine, you HAVE to go. The party is for YOU. Well, you and me. You can't not go.

And don't give me any of that bull about how you don't want anybody in my family to see you in a swimsuit. How many times do I have to tell you that you are the hottest girl in the world? Do you think I care what size you wear? You have it going on, girl.

Only you should wear those thongs I bought you more often.

I don't understand what difference it makes whether or not Mel goes. Why do women always have to do things together? It doesn't make any sense.

Besides, if you feel that strongly about it, just tell them you have an ear infection and can't get in the water. Jeez. I don't get you dames. I really don't.

T.

To: Mel Fuller <

cc: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k< From: Dolly Vargas < Subject: Your Little Problem Darlings:

I couldn't help but overhear your little tete-a-tete in the Ladies just now. I was otherwise occupied, or I would have joined in (we really ought to talk to someone about how narrow those stalls are. Fortunately, Jimmy--you know, the new fax boy--is quite surprisingly flexible, or we never would have managed ;-) First of all, Mel, sweetheart, Max Friedlander did not have just any old picture in the Whitney--which you would know, if you ever ventured out of Blockbuster long enough to take in some real culture. He had a stunning self-portrait on display there for the Biennial, in which he was sans apparel. If you ask me, the man's a photographic genius. Though that may not be where his true talent lies, judging by that photo...if you get my drift. And I'm sure you do. Anyway, he has, for reasons unfathomable to me, chosen to cheapen his gift by prost.i.tuting himself out for photo shoots such as, just as an example, last Winter's Sports Ill.u.s.trated swimsuit issue. And he just finished up the Victoria's Secret Christmas catalog, I believe. All you have to do, children, is contact those so-called publications, and I'm sure they'll know how to get a message to him. Well, ta for now.

Dolly x.x.xOOO PS Oh, Mel, about Aaron. Look, can't you throw him a bone? He's no good to me like this. And all that Wagner is giving me a migraine.

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k < From: Mel Fuller < Subject: Max Friedlander Listen, thanks to Dolly, I think I've finally managed to track down Max Friedlander!

At least, no one seems to have his number, but I've got an email address. Help me draft a note to him. You know I don't do well with groveling.

Mel To: Max Friedlander

Subject: Your aunt Dear Mr. Friedlander, I hope you get this. You are probably not aware that the police have been trying to reach you for several days now. I am sorry to inform you that your aunt, Helen Friedlander, has been seriously injured. She has been the victim of an alleged a.s.sault in her apartment.

She is currently listed in critical condition at Beth Israel Hospital here in New York.

Unfortunately, she is in a coma, and the doctors have no way of knowing if she will ever come out of it.

Please, Mr. Friedlander, if you get this message, call me as soon as possible on my cell phone, 917-555-2123, or if you are unable to get to a phone, please feel free to email me.

We need to discuss how you think your aunt would best like her pets cared for while she is in the hospital.

I know this is the last thing you need to be worried about right now, considering how grave your aunt's condition is, but I can't imagine that, being the great animal lover she is, your aunt didn't have some sort of proviso arranged for just this sort of circ.u.mstance.

I am her next door neighbor ( in apartment 15B), and I have been walking Paco and taking care of your aunt's cats, but I'm afraid that my schedule does not allow for full-time petcare. Taking care of Paco is beginning to effect my job performance.

Please contact me as soon as you can.

Melissa Fuller

To: Mel Fuller < From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k < Subject: The Letter

I like it. Short but sweet. And it gets the point across.