Part 13 (1/2)

Chapter 65.

Questions You Should Ask a Week Before Guests Come to Your House.

Are you allergic to cats? Are you allergic to dogs? Does cigarette smoke bother you? Does marijuana smoke bother you? Do orgies bother you?

Be a good hostess. This is good behavior that makes everybody happy.

Chapter 66.

Who Rules When It's Not Your House?

Every house has its own rules. Some families are strict about some things . . . others not. What's OK and not OK in my place may not be the same at yours. Kind of makes the world go round, doesn't it? But that also creates a sort of . . . rules gap . . . and when your kids get older and start spending more time out of your house and in other people's . . . it can be a problem. It's usually a bigger deal if you are a parent with many rules and your child is having, say, a sleepover, at a house that runs a little looser.

The thing is, you've got to figure the other parents are not going to honor your rules when it's not your house . . . They're just not. And your kid is not going to tell you they're breaking your rules if another parent says it's all right. Now . . . you can say, ”Listen, different families have different rules. When you are over there for your sleepover, you tell them you're not allowed to watch R-rated films.” And the other parents, who think the R-rated film is just fine, will probably go, ”Well, it's OK, I'll talk to your mother.”

They're never going to talk to you about it. Never.

But here's what you say to your child. ”Lots of graphic violence might not be what you need to see. You might not need to see people having s.e.x. You might want want to see people having s.e.x, but you don't need to see it if you are thirteen years old. 'Cause s.e.x will come around. So this is one of those situations where you're at somebody's house, and . . . unless they're offering you alcohol-which is a definite no . . . you're going to have to figure out how you want to play it. And I'm going to trust you to know what to do. Because now you're having sleepovers and you're at someone else's home. Just know when you bring your friends over here, we're not going to do that. We're not going to be watching those things. And we're going to be going to bed at eleven or midnight.” to see people having s.e.x, but you don't need to see it if you are thirteen years old. 'Cause s.e.x will come around. So this is one of those situations where you're at somebody's house, and . . . unless they're offering you alcohol-which is a definite no . . . you're going to have to figure out how you want to play it. And I'm going to trust you to know what to do. Because now you're having sleepovers and you're at someone else's home. Just know when you bring your friends over here, we're not going to do that. We're not going to be watching those things. And we're going to be going to bed at eleven or midnight.”

It's a tough thing to say to a kid, ”You're going to have to make a decision. And let me know what you decided. Just because I'm curious.” But . . . that's empowering to a young person. If you make it OK for them to tell you that they've done something, they'll always tell you because it's not scary for them to do it. Because it's encouraged.

”Just let me know. And it'll be something you made a choice about. Now, I might ask you why you chose that . . . or why you chose this . . . but it's a discussion. Because I raised you to really know where the line is. You watched an R-rated video? OK. You're the one that's going to have the nightmares. You smoked pot? That's an issue. You know that's not what we're doing at thirteen. But if that's happening, you need to let me know . . . So I can decide whether I want you to be over there if they get arrested. As opposed to having to come get you from jail.”

My kid was fourteen or fifteen when she got pregnant. I'm the first person she told. Now, she knew I wasn't going to like it. But our relations.h.i.+p was such that she could tell me whatever's happening and we'd figure it out. But she knew she didn't need to be afraid of me. Or that I was going to be so mad that I was going to put her out.

And for me, that was a great thing, that she told me. And that she wasn't afraid that I was going to do something 'cause she chose to do something that I would have suggested she wait to do. But kids . . . when they're out there . . . kids make some bad decisions. Or not smart decisions for the time.

Now, I like the kid that she had. But did she need to have a kid at fourteen, fifteen? No.

And when I said to her, ”What's the plan, what do you want to do? Because if you're old enough to go out and do this, you must know what your plan is.” And she said, ”I want to have this baby,” and I said, ”OK, I wish you'd double think it, just because you're so young . . . but we'll be there to help you.” Because that's what choice is. Choice is just deciding what I I think is best. think is best.

But I told her, ”If you decide you're going to have it, then I support you. Both emotionally and financially.”

That's what defines a family. It's forever, it's unconditional. If you bring a kid into the world, I think it has to be unconditional. That's the one rule.

Chapter 67.

Noisy Neighbors.

Unless you live on a farm, you're going to hear your neighbors. In the suburbs, they may not be as on top of your life as they are in an apartment building, but sooner or later, you're going to get annoyed by some racket some neighbor is making at the wrong time for you.

What's on your list? Leaf-blowers on Sat.u.r.day morning? Late-night carpentry in the garage workshop, complete with routers and power saws? Playing that drum kit at all hours? Loud parties?

Well, I've done all those things. I'm not necessarily for all that, but I get it. And if you're doing all that, and not thinking too much about the noise you're making for your neighbors, you don't know that you're a bonehead.

So, here's what I want to say to you . . . Just think about it. Think about whether you want to be playing those drums at four in the morning. But at the same time, when you're drunk, you think you're cool. And you think you really really play the drums well. Hey. FYI . . . If your last name isn't Starr? You might want to check. play the drums well. Hey. FYI . . . If your last name isn't Starr? You might want to check.

Think about whether belt-sanding that door can wait until daylight. Or if the leaves can stay on the driveway until people have at least had a cup of coffee. As for the loud parties? Tough call. Who has a party that stops at ten p.m.? I mean, really? Isn't that when most folks are just getting there?

And if you're the one being bothered by the noisy neighbors, here's what I want to say to you. As much as I wrote this book to talk about some of the annoying behaviors that are bugging the p.i.s.s out of us in our crowded-together lives, the idea isn't to become the Manners Cop of the World. Sometimes you just have to lighten up and accept the occasionally annoying things other people do as what you get with other people around. And how bad is it? Come on, honestly. How many late-night parties do you really have to deal with?

Want to retaliate? Here's what you do. Don't call the cops on them. You throw a party. And invite them. I would. Clearly they know how to have a good time.

The thing is, life's gonna happen and it's going to be annoying sometimes. But, hey, at some point, guess what? You're annoying too. So be a human being.

Try. It's not easy, but try.

Chapter 68.

Bullies.

This is another one of those subjects that's worth a whole book on its own. And, as much as I don't want you to think I'm trivializing it by including it with stuff about, what . . . public nail clipping and cell phone yakkers . . . I trust you to be smarter than that. Because I believe you are. This book is all about behavior that bothers us. How can I not include a chapter on behavior that goes beyond that? Bullying goes way past peeve. But it's still bad behavior. And it's too much on my mind not to share here with you.

Now, I've always known that there were bullies in the world. We've seen a lot of it in politics lately as well as in daily life. You see it where people who may be stronger, or bigger, or better with verbiage than other folks . . . show off. To me, that's what bullying is, showing off. It's saying, I'm better than you, I can take you down. Not just physically, but emotionally.

I'm pretty sure a lot of teenage bullying comes from seeing adults and how they act around other people. How they put themselves out there. And I think that's where adults are involved . . . as poor examples to kids.

And for some reason, there seems to be no internal policeman for a bully that says maybe you're hurting somebody's feelings. Or worse, maybe you're going to push this person too far and they'll do something terrible. Something's not processing correctly in a bully's head. It doesn't seem to occur to them that what they're doing is crossing a line that shouldn't be crossed. And it's really, in my mind, no different than taking on defenseless kids. You do it just because you know you can.

It's an exercise in power, but it's also meant to disintegrate someone's Self. It's meant to take away their sense of who they are. And why? Because they're not as strong, or as big, or as witty.

Bullies are ball-less, soul-less creatures to me. And they're not just children, they're adults too. And have you noticed how they only bully people who won't fight back? You never see bullies try to bully other bullies. No bully wants to get his a.s.s kicked. That's why so much of what they do . . . they do anonymously. Like throwing bricks through windows. That's bullying. Spitting on somebody is bullying. Yelling out ”f.a.ggot” is bullying. And then they never stick around for the person to see them.

It's a terrorist act.

It's meant to make you feel afraid. It's meant to make you feel powerless to take care of the situation you find yourself in. And even when you try to, not enough adults take bullying seriously. Know what's clear to me? People don't realize that bullying has come so very far since many of us were little kids. Back then, if you ran into a bully, you could go get your big brother or big sister.

Today, you've got cyber-bullying. Cyber-bullying is different. First of all, it's very cowardly. The bully can choose to hide behind the anonymity of the Internet. And when bullying happens on the Web, it has no boundaries, so it's even more emotionally and psychologically charged. If you are the victim . . . you can't leave it behind at the bus stop or the hallway or the cafeteria. It's everywhere, and that's what I think makes cyber-bullying so much worse. It continues after the school day-and it gets broadcast.

Before the days of the Web and social networks, when you were getting bullied at school, it was just the kids at school who knew. But not kids in other schools. Not a million people around the world reading these things about you on the Internet.

And there's no way to combat the lie or fight the ugly once it's put out there. The ugly stays forever like a bad fart. It's always there. And you can't get it off the Internet.

I believe adults should step up and do more to stop this. But it's not getting done. Why is it that a kid can come and tell parents and teachers that this is happening, and everybody agrees it needs to stop-but n.o.body does does anything? It reminds me of a famous New York news story from back in the mid-1960s. A young woman named Kitty Genovese was walking home from work one night, and she was attacked and stabbed. And she screamed and screamed and screamed. Her entire neighborhood heard it. n.o.body helped her. A similar thing happened more recently in the Bay Area where a high school girl was gang-raped outside her school dance. A crowd of people stood by and n.o.body helped her. anything? It reminds me of a famous New York news story from back in the mid-1960s. A young woman named Kitty Genovese was walking home from work one night, and she was attacked and stabbed. And she screamed and screamed and screamed. Her entire neighborhood heard it. n.o.body helped her. A similar thing happened more recently in the Bay Area where a high school girl was gang-raped outside her school dance. A crowd of people stood by and n.o.body helped her.

What is missing that helping isn't even a second thought in people's minds?