Part 9 (1/2)

But the bottom line is this. A role model is really not-cannot be-someone who is not you. Because the only control you really have is of yourself.

If you are a parent, you might be wondering, OK then, how can my child learn to be his or her own role model? There is no simple answer. And know what? That is the whole point. Oh, man, if only it were as easy as patterning yourself after an icon. But it isn't. So talk with your young ones. Let them know that it's all inside, not outside. That's where the values are.

Maybe it's more mirror . . . less TV.

Tiger Woods. He never said he was a role model. He never said he was anything but a great golfer. And that's all he's obligated to be. Now, you like his life? You want to pattern yourself after him? OK, but it may not work out. (You may not have heard, but he's had a few difficulties.) What about Adam Lambert? He did what he was supposed to do on American Idol American Idol. Now . . . he's openly gay and has always been sort of goth. Chances are he's going to do things differently than someone else. So someone can't boo-hoo if they watched a TV show where he was doing something shocking on stage and felt let down by their role model.

These people are only entertainers entertaining you.

Or athletes.

Or people you see on television or in films or on the news.

And remember . . .

We don't know them. And we cannot be p.i.s.sed off when they are not who we think they're supposed to be. Wouldn't you be mad as h.e.l.l if somebody looked over at you and said, ”I've made you my role model and, therefore, you have to behave in the way I think you're supposed to behave”? No one wants to hear that.

There's big money in role models. Somebody's known as a good golfer, and suddenly he's the Wrist.w.a.tch Person.

Except, you know what? He is the Wrist.w.a.tch Person because he plays golf. But the marketing people think, ”Well, if folks like the way he plays golf, they'll want to wear what he wears. They'll want to drive what he drives. They'll want to invest the way that he invests.”

This has nothing to do with his character. They are selling an image to people who want to identify with a role model. That's their deal. All the golfer does is swing the club and wear the freakin' watch. That is the relations.h.i.+p.

That is the role.

Tiger Woods, as far as I can see, is just a great golfer.

I guess the question you want to be asking yourself is . . . what are you?

Chapter 44.

A Civil Person's Handy List: Role Models Who Have Disappointed Us.

Not all of them are bad people. Some just hit b.u.mps because they are mere mortals. Many of them have bounced back. But at one time or other, these so-called role models have made us go, ”Say it ain't so . . .”

Tiger Woods O. J. Simpson Bernard Kerik Pete Rose Mark McGwire Sammy Sosa Lindsay Lohan Amy Winehouse John Mayer Whitney Houston Michael Phelps Kanye West Britney Spears Heidi Montag Michael Vick John Edwards Paris Hilton Miley Cyrus Chris Brown Eliot Spitzer Rush Limbaugh Benedict Arnold Vince ”ShamWow” Shlomi (if you're curious, look it up) This list means nothing . . .

. . . As long as you are not on it.

Chapter 45.

How Do I Look? And Tell the Truth.

If you're a woman, and you don't want the truthful answer to a question . . . don't ask it! Just don't.

”Does this dress make me look fat?” might be one to avoid.

Now-you could always say, ”I need you to lie to me right now.” Personally, if I were in a relations.h.i.+p with someone and asked that, guess what? . . . I would love that man so much more if he said, ”Yeah, baby, it does make you look fat. And it doesn't look that good on you.”

He's my man, why would he lie?

Because as hot as you think you look, if your old man doesn't think you look hot, and he's walking behind you going, ”Oh, my G.o.d, her a.s.s is hanging out,” you are not looking hot you are not looking hot.

Flattery isn't good behavior. Flattery is sometimes dishonest behavior. Come again? Didn't anybody ever read The Emperor's New Clothes The Emperor's New Clothes?

Women, do not ask the question unless you want to hear the truth. Because the only time I ask, ”Do I look weird in this?” is when I want somebody to tell me, A, no you don't. Or, B, you do. And I only ask people whose opinions I actually care about.

And to me, those things are important. When it's more important that you're lied to in a relations.h.i.+p . . . check yourself. Something's wrong.

Now, what I've heard on The View The View is that-apparently-women don't want the truth, so men don't tell the truth to women about how they look. They just lie. is that-apparently-women don't want the truth, so men don't tell the truth to women about how they look. They just lie.

I don't understand it.

Why wouldn't you want the person that you spend the most amount of time with . . . or the person that you sleep with . . . to tell you the truth-that you don't look good and to change your clothes? Why would you want that person to let you out of the house looking like h.e.l.l?

Why wouldn't you want to know that man thinks enough of you to say, ”Listen, that does not flatter you. You don't look good in that. Especially when you turn that way. You look like the side of a building. That's not the right thing for you to wear if you want to look good. And I don't care if you bought it and you thought you looked good . . . You don't! I'm telling you. You've got the sides fat there, you've got the belly fat there, I can see your stuff, your stuff is hanging . . .”

OK, maybe that's too much truth. But you catch the drift . . . Right?

If you ask the opinion of someone you care about, you should be prepared to hear the truth and not be angry. And if you are angry, is it at him for being honest, or are you mad because you knew when you had to squeeze into that (because you've put on a few pounds), that it might not work out the way you wanted?

But see, once you put that conversation in another person's hands, it's no longer what you you want. It's not about you anymore. It's about you saying, ”You fulfill my fantasy, but will you please fulfill it the way I wish you would fulfill it?” want. It's not about you anymore. It's about you saying, ”You fulfill my fantasy, but will you please fulfill it the way I wish you would fulfill it?”

And if you want a relations.h.i.+p based on ”wishful truthing,” where does it end? Clothes? . . . That is just the beginning.

If you ask, ”Am I the best you ever had?” be prepared, because the honest answer could be, ”Well, no . . . But you're the best for me right now. And here's what you can do better for me, and here's what I think I can do better for you. You want to tell me what I can do better for you? I will try to do that.”

Now that's that's a conversation. a conversation.

Working through this is hard. A relations.h.i.+p is the day-to-day work. The hour-to-hour, the minute-to-minute stuff. And usually . . . just asking one question about something small can suddenly lead you onto some very rough road. If you want the truth, buckle up.

Which is probably why everyone just told the emperor his threads were cool.

Chapter 46.