Part 2 (1/2)

Sort of makes life interesting for all of us, huh?

Want to know what words really freak me out? They aren't the curse words. Nope. The words that go up my a.s.s are ”stupid” and ”dummy.” Know why? Because you can't say either of those words with a smile. If you're somebody who doesn't like my curse words, I get it, that's fine. Tell you what. I'll make a little pact with you. When they remove ”stupid” from the English language, or ”dummy” from the English language, I will temper my ”f.u.c.ks” and ”s.h.i.+ts.” But until then? Not gonna happen.

What I am about to say I know know freaks people out: freaks people out: I would love to teach every kid to say ”f.u.c.k.” Hang on, now, hang on, listen to why. The reason is because to me, that is a word that doesn't have any effect. But ”stupid” and ”dummy”? You can say it to someone who is six and you can say it to someone who is a hundred and six and they will hunch their shoulders and it will be like somebody kicked them in the stomach because they are harsh, ugly words.

”You're so stupid.” Man, they say it on TV, they say it as jokes, they say it in the movies, they say it in the commercials, kids say it to each other, and it's a horrific word. And to me, the ugliest, most reprehensible word in the English language is ”stupid.” So, yes, I understand a lot of people don't get my love of verbiage. But maybe if they could pause and take a look at it my way, I bet of all the words that hurt them-I mean really, really hurt them-they'd realize that ”f.u.c.k” just isn't one of them.

Look, I enjoy my freedom. And I enjoy my freedom with those words. When it makes other people uncomfortable they say, ”Whoopi, you'd be so much smarter if you didn't do it that way.” Well, it's possible, sure. But guess what? I like the way I do it. And if you have noticed anything about me over the years, you may have an inkling that I'm not about to stop. So if you are one of those people, you have a choice to make. You can either hear what I have to say, and maybe hear some of those words-and know that they are words that I love because they have no harm in them-or don't. And maybe miss out on something that might be kind of fun or smart. But the choice is always yours.

Chapter 9.

Road Rude.

I don't want anyone killing me with their car. Is that too much to ask? No, it's not. Then why are so many people trying to send me to my early reward with their vehicles? Truly. I can't believe some of the stunts I see pulled out there on the road. I have to say the worst behavior you see from people is when they get a steering wheel in their hands. To the point that I believe that your car is like a brain scan of your personality.

If you are a polite person or just a normal, considerate, going-along-and-along-in-life person, that's pretty evident. You get a smile and a nod from me at the next stoplight.

If you are easily distracted, clumsy, or kind of off in the ozone, we're going to see that too. Please try to keep it off the sidewalk.

And if you are a jacka.s.s? Well, trust me, we know. We all know. And the way you carry on, we get plenty of opportunities to confirm that.

Do you think that when you get inside your car and close the door you become magically invisible? You do not. Not even with those tinted windows you think look so cool. We can see you. And it ain't pretty.

Some folks will surprise you when you see what they pull on the highway. These are the people who may not show signs of aggression or rudeness or risky behavior sitting in the break room with you at work, or selling you a nice pair of shoes at the department store. But don't be fooled. It doesn't mean that it's not part of their personality. Like that famous cartoon folks saw in driver's ed. It's where good ol' Goofy gets behind the wheel and suddenly becomes Satan. That's what happens to some people. Folks turn on that ignition, and suddenly, Satan rules.

What makes that happen? Maybe somebody chewed them out just before they left the factory, or they learned in the parking lot that some dude from the marketing department got the promotion they wanted. Or their girlfriend cheated on them. Or their boyfriend refuses to ask his best bud from college to find a motel for the weekend so they can have some alone time.

Or. Or. Or.

Does it matter what reason people have to be misbehaving behind the wheel? h.e.l.l, no. Screw the reason, all I care about is how they drive. And if you are a person who acts out with bad behavior behind the wheel, I have a message for you.

If you speed through a school zone, I have a message for you.

If you park in handicapped s.p.a.ces, I have a message for you.

If you weave through cars on the interstate like it was your personal slalom, I have a message for you.

If you zip into a parking spot that somebody else has been patiently waiting for, I have a message for you.

If you run lights, or bust a crosswalk with people in it, I have a message for you.

If other, more reasonable people obey the law and common sense and pull to the right to let a fire truck or an ambulance pa.s.s, and you use that opportunity to pa.s.s them all because you think you're so special that doesn't apply to you, I have a message for you.

If you tailgate, practice road rage, live on your horn, pollute with your smoky tailpipe, blind people with your high beams, dent somebody's fender and drive off, throw litter out the car window, drink, text, or watch videos on your cell phone while you should be driving, I have a message for you.

You're looking at it.

Chapter 10.

Self-Test: Parking.

Have you ever parked illegally in a Handicapped Only s.p.a.ce?

If yes, score 5 If no, score 0 Did you care that you did?

If yes, score 1 If no, score 5 Is it bothering you that you did?

If yes, score 1 If no, score 5 Is it possible that you prevented someone who needed it from using it?

If yes, score 5 If no, score 5 Did you care?

If yes, score 1 If no, score 5 Would it p.i.s.s you off if they did it to you?

If yes, score 2 If no, score 5 Total score: ______ Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.

Chapter 11.

No Condom? No Way.

Unless you're looking to get pregnant, let's talk about common sense.

This behavior is not about etiquette. It's about life-death behavior.

Unless you're looking to get pregnant, or you're looking to catch whatever somebody might have caught that you don't know about-”Put the condom on” should be the first thing out of your mouth. This is not a conversation. There is no debate. If you do not want to get pregnant, the man needs to wear a condom, it's that simple.

Or you don't need to have s.e.x. you don't need to have s.e.x.

It's not a maybe I should maybe I should, or maybe I shouldn't maybe I shouldn't. It's very simple. There are things out there that can kill you. If you have this partner and you don't know anything about him, don't do him unless he is wearing a condom, period.

Duh!

And I don't see why it's hard to say, ”Stop. I need the condom because I don't want to raise your kids.”