Part 10 (1/2)

But indeed these bitter people who record their experiences really record their lack of experiences. It is the countryman who has not succeeded in being a countryman who comes up to London. It is the clerk who has not succeeded in being a clerk who tries (on vegetarian principles) to be a countryman. And the woman with a past is generally a woman angry about the past she never had.

When you have really exhausted an experience you always reverence and love it. The two things that nearly all of us have thoroughly and really been through are childhood and youth. And though we would not have them back again on any account, we feel that they are both beautiful, because we have drunk them dry.

THE ANGRY AUTHOR: HIS FAREWELL

I have republished all these old articles of mine because they cover a very controversial period, in which I was in nearly all the controversies, whether I was visible there or no. And I wish to gather up into this last article a valedictory violence about all such things; and then pa.s.s to where, beyond these voices, there is peace—or in other words, to the writing of Penny Dreadfuls; a n.o.ble and much-needed work. But before I finally desert the illusions of rationalism for the actualities of romance, I should very much like to write one last roaring, raging book telling all the rationalists not to be so utterly irrational. The book would be simply a string of violent vetoes, like the Ten Commandments. I would call it ”Don'ts for Dogmatists; or Things I am Tired Of.”

This book of intellectual etiquette, like most books of etiquette, would begin with superficial things; but there would be, I fancy, a wailing imprecation in the words that could not be called artificial; it might begin thus:—

(1) Don't use a noun and then an adjective that crosses out the noun.

An adjective qualifies, it cannot contradict. Don't say, ”Give me a patriotism that is free from all boundaries.” It is like saying, ”Give me a pork pie with no pork in it.” Don't say, ”I look forward to that larger religion that shall have no special dogmas.” It is like saying, ”I look forward to that larger quadruped who shall have no feet.” A quadruped means something with four feet; and a religion means something that commits a man to some doctrine about the universe. Don't let the meek substantive be absolutely murdered by the joyful, exuberant adjective.

(2) Don't say you are not going to say a thing, and then say it. This practice is very flouris.h.i.+ng and successful with public speakers. The trick consists of first repudiating a certain view in unfavourable terms, and then repeating the same view in favourable terms. Perhaps the simplest form of it may be found in a landlord of my neighbourhood, who said to his tenants in an election speech, ”Of course I'm not going to threaten you, but if this Budget pa.s.ses the rents will go up.” The thing can be done in many forms besides this. ”I am the last man to mention party politics; but when I see the Empire rent in pieces by irresponsible Radicals,” etc. ”In this hall we welcome all creeds. We have no hostility against any honest belief; but only against that black priestcraft and superst.i.tion which can accept such a doctrine as,” etc.

”I would not say one word that could ruffle our relations with Germany.

But this I will say; that when I see ceaseless and unscrupulous armament,” etc. Please don't do it. Decide to make a remark or not to make a remark. But don't fancy that you have somehow softened the saying of a thing by having just promised not to say it.

(3) Don't use secondary words as primary words. ”Happiness” (let us say) is a primary word. You know when you have the thing, and you jolly well know when you haven't. ”Progress” is a secondary word; it means the degree of one's approach to happiness, or to some such solid ideal. But modern controversies constantly turn on asking, ”Does Happiness help Progress?” Thus, I see in the New Age this week a letter from Mr.