Part 32 (2/2)
”Not so very long.”
”Oh, California's hundreds of miles away yet. And then when we get there we've got to find a place to settle, and till the land, and lay out the garden and build a house, quite a nice house; I don't want to live in a cabin. Father and I have just been talking about it. Why it's months and months off yet.”
He did not answer. She had spoken this way to him before, wafting the subject away with evasive words. After a pause he said slowly: ”Why need we wait so long?”
”We must. I'm not going to begin my married life the way the emigrant women do. I want to live decently and be comfortable.”
He broke a sprig off a sage bush and began to pluck it apart. She had receded to her defenses and peeped nervously at him from behind them.
”Fort Bridger,” he said, his eyes on the twig, ”is a big place, a sort of rendezvous for all kinds of people.”
She stared at him, her face alert with apprehension, ready to dart into her citadel and lower the drawbridge.
”Sometimes there are missionaries stopping there.”
”Missionaries?” she exclaimed in a high key. ”I hate missionaries!”
This was a surprising statement. David knew the doctor to be a supporter and believer in the Indian missions, and had often heard his daughter acquiesce in his opinions.
”Why do you hate them?”
”I don't know. There's another thing you want a reason for. It's getting cold up here--let's go down by the fire.”
She gathered herself together to rise, but he turned quickly upon her, and his face, while it made her shrink, also arrested her. She had come to dread that expression, persuasion hardened into desperate pleading. It woke in her a shocked repugnance, as though something had been revealed to her that she had no right to see. She felt shame for him, that he must beg where a man should conquer and subdue.
”Wait a moment,” he said. ”Why can't one of those missionaries marry us there?”
She had scrambled to her knees, and s.n.a.t.c.hed at her skirt preparatory to the jump to her feet.
”No,” she said vehemently. ”No. What's the matter with you all talking about marriages and missionaries when we're in the middle of the wilds?”
”Susan,” he cried, catching at her dress, ”just listen a moment. I could take care of you then, take care of you properly. You'd be my own, to look after and work for. It's seemed to me lately you loved me enough. I wouldn't have suggested such a thing if you were as you were in the beginning. But you seem to care now. You seem as if--as if--it wouldn't be so hard for you to live with me and let me love you.”
She jerked her skirt away and leaped to her feet crying again, ”No, David, no. Not for a minute.”
He rose too, very pale, the piece of sage in his hand shaking. They looked at each other, the yellow light clear on both faces. Hers was hard and combative, as if his suggestion had outraged her and she was ready to fight it. Its expression sent a shaft of terror to his soul, for with all his unselfishness he was selfish in his man's longing for her, hungered for her till his hunger had made him blind. Now in a flash of clairvoyance he saw truly, and feeling the joy of life slipping from him, faltered:
”Have I made a mistake? Don't you care?”
It was her opportunity, she was master of her fate. But her promise was still a thing that held, the moment had not come when she saw nothing but her own desire, and to gain it would have sacrificed all that stood between. His stricken look, his expression of nerving himself for a blow, pierced her, and her words rushed out in a burst of contrition.
”Of course, of course, I do. Don't doubt me. Don't. But-- Oh, David, don't torment me. Don't ask anything like that now. I can't, I can't. I'm not ready--not yet.”
Her voice broke and she put her hand to her mouth to hide its trembling. Over it, her eyes, suddenly br.i.m.m.i.n.g with tears, looked imploringly into his.
It was a heart-tearing sight to the lover. He forgot himself and, without knowing what he did, opened his arms to inclose her in an embrace of pity and remorse.
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