Part 26 (1/2)
A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the newspapers to his family, and when expressing the t.i.tle ”Liberty of the Press in France,” one of his daughters interrupted him by asking what the liberty of the press meant? ”I'll soon answer that question,” said he: ”You know when your mother goes out, and leaves the key in the cupboard door, where the bread, b.u.t.ter, and sugar lies, then you have access--That's the liberty o' the press.”
_Donald and the Laird._
A Scottish Laird and his man Donald, travelling southward; at the first English Inn, the room in where they were to sleep contained a bed for the master and a truckle for the man, which drew forth from beneath the larger couch. Such furniture being new to the Highlanders, they mistook the four-posted pavilion for the two beds, and the Laird mounted the tester, while the man occupied the comfortable lodging below. Finding himself wretchedly cold in the night, the Laird called to Donald to know how he was accommodated. ”Ne'er sae weel a' my life,” quoth the gilly.
”Ha, mon,” exclaimed the Laird, ”if it wasna for the honour of the thing, I could find in my heart to come down.”
_How to read a Sign-Board._
A Highland Drover pa.s.sing through a certain town, noticed a sign-board above an entry, with the following inscription:--
Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies, Capped Biscuits, and all sorts of Confectionery Goods sold down this entry, read it as follows:-- Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades.
Scabbed b.i.t.c.hes, and all sorts of Confusionery Goods, sold down this entry.
_How to Escape Robbery._
A person extremely hard of hearing, travelling between Paisley and Greenock on horseback, some time since, had occasion to come off his horse, when the reins slipped from among his fingers: the horse finding himself at liberty immediately ran off. The deaf man quickly followed, determined to inquire at all he met if they had seen his horse. The night was very dark; however, he had not gone far till he met with two men, whom he accosted with, ”Did you see a horse without a rider?” when he was immediately collared. He thought it diversion; says he, ”That's no a way to use a man in the dark;” and endeavouring to shake himself clear, when instead of slackening their hold they took fresh and firmer holds, and no doubt used violent language, of which his deafness deprived him of hearing; seeing all attempts to get clear fruitless, and dreading they had nothing in view but an intention to rob him, it instantly occurred to him his having an ear trumpet sticking in the top of his boot, which he used in conversation. He immediately pulled it up, laid the muzzle of it across the fellow's arm, and exclaimed, ”If you don't let go your grups I'll blaw your brains out in a moment!” They jumped over a hedge, and were put of sight in an instant, the deaf man called after them, ”Set aff, set aff, my lads or I'll be the death o'
baith o' you, learn never to meddle wi' a man i' the dark, for ye dinna ken what deadly weapons he carries.”
_Daft Will Speirs._
Will, one day, upon his journey to Eglinton Castle to pay his regular daily visit, met his Lords.h.i.+p, who seemed not to notice him. The Earl being only on a walk of pleasure through his policies, soon came in contact with Will again sitting at the bottom of a tree, picking a huge bone. ”Ay, ay;” says the Earl, ”what this you've got noo, Will.” ”Ay, ay,” says Will, ”anew o' frien's whan folk has ocht: ye gaed by me awee sin' an' ne'er loot on ye saw me.”
_How to find Work._
A slater being employed by a gentleman to repair his house in the country, took along with him a prentice, when they set to work, and continued to work for some days. The gentleman having no conception the job was to be of such duration, came out one morning, and found the apprentice at work alone, when he expressed himself as surprised at the continuation of them working so long, and inquired what had become of his master, to which the boy replied, ”He's awa to Glasgow to look for a job, and if he got ane, this ane would be done the morn, and if he didna get ane, he didna ken when it would be done.”
_Will Scott._
A celebrated attendant upon the sheriff, well known for his activity in the execution of his orders, as well as for taking a bit comfortable guzzle when finances would afford it, was one Sabbath day snugly seated in a pew behind the bailies at church. Will had not been there long till he was soon lulled into a sweet slumber, and found himself seated along with his companions over a good imperial half-mutchkin; and in a short time the reckoning came a-paying when some of the party insisted it was already paid. However, Will happened not to be of that opinion, and true to his integrity, bawled out with all his might in the midst of the sermon, ”No, no, by my faith it's no pay't, we have had just ae half-mutchkin, an' twa bottles o' ale, an' there's no a fardin o't pay't.”
_Grave-Digger of Sorn._
The grave-digger of Sorn, Ayrs.h.i.+re, was as selfish and as mean a sinner as ever handled mattock or carried mortcloth. He was a very querulous and discontented old man, with a voice like the whistle of the wind through a key-hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country, an acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him one day, and asked how the world was moving with him. ”Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly indeed,” was the answer, ”the yard has done nothing ava for us this summer,--if you like to believe me I havena buriet a leevin' soul this sax weeks.”
_Scottish Parrot._
A parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, beaking itself in the sun, was observed by a rapacious hawk, which happened to be pa.s.sing over it, suddenly dived down and seized poor Poll by the back; away the hawk flew with his prey. When pa.s.sing over a garden Poll observed his old friend the gardener, and exclaimed, ”I'm ridin' noo, John Laurie.” Hawky alarmed at hearing a voice so near, darted into a tree for safety, when after recovering a little, commenced to devour poor Poll, when it roared out with all its might, ”Will you bite, you rascal.” The hawk terrified out of its wits, flew off with a birr, leaving Poll to proceed homewards at pleasure.
_The Restless Haggis._
Daft Will Callander lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow. Babie kept a lodging-house for sailors. One Sat.u.r.day night Babie was making a Haggis for Sunday's dinner, when one of her lodgers put four ounces of quick-silver into the haggis unknown to Babie. On Sunday Will was left at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot began to boil, the haggis would be out of the pot. Will, faithful to his charge, held the lid on the pot until his patience was exhausted; at last Will ran off to the church for Babie. She sat in one of the back pews. Will beckoned to her two or three times; Babie as often nodded and winked to Will to be quiet. At last he bawled out, ”Babie, come hame, for I believe the de'il's got into the haggis, it'll no bide in the pat; it's out dancing on the floor, and if I had not locked the door, I think it would have been at the kirk as soon's mysel.”