Part 44 (1/2)

In the rear and facing this opening, with his back to the door of the sentry-box, for fear of being flanked, had the corporal wisely taken his post:-He held the ivory pipe, appertaining to the battery on the right, betwixt the finger and thumb of his right hand,-and the ebony pipe tipp'd with silver, which appertained to the battery on the left, betwixt the finger and thumb of the other-and with his right knee fixed firm upon the ground, as if in the front rank of his platoon, was the corporal, with his Montero-cap upon his head, furiously playing off his two cross batteries at the same time against the counter-guard, which faced the counterscarp, where the attack was to be made that morning. His first intention, as I said, was no more than giving the enemy a single puff or two;-but the pleasure of the puffs, as well as the puffing, had insensibly got hold of the corporal, and drawn him on from puff to puff, into the very height of the attack, by the time my uncle Toby joined him.

'Twas well for my father, that my uncle Toby had not his will to make that day.

Chapter 3.LXXI.

My uncle Toby took the ivory pipe out of the corporal's hand,-looked at it for half a minute, and returned it.

In less than two minutes, my uncle Toby took the pipe from the corporal again, and raised it half way to his mouth-then hastily gave it back a second time.

The corporal redoubled the attack,-my uncle Toby smiled,-then looked grave,-then smiled for a moment,-then looked serious for a long time;-Give me hold of the ivory pipe, Trim, said my uncle Toby-my uncle Toby put it to his lips,-drew it back directly,-gave a peep over the horn-beam hedge;-never did my uncle Toby's mouth water so much for a pipe in his life.-My uncle Toby retired into the sentry-box with the pipe in his hand.-

-Dear uncle Toby! don't go into the sentry-box with the pipe,-there's no trusting a man's self with such a thing in such a corner.

Chapter 3.LXXII.

I beg the reader will a.s.sist me here, to wheel off my uncle Toby's ordnance behind the scenes,-to remove his sentry-box, and clear the theatre, if possible, of horn-works and half moons, and get the rest of his military apparatus out of the way;-that done, my dear friend Garrick, we'll snuff the candles bright,-sweep the stage with a new broom,-draw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in a new character, throughout which the world can have no idea how he will act: and yet, if pity be a-kin to love,-and bravery no alien to it, you have seen enough of my uncle Toby in these, to trace these family likenesses, betwixt the two pa.s.sions (in case there is one) to your heart's content.

Vain science! thou a.s.sistest us in no case of this kind-and thou puzzlest us in every one.

There was, Madam, in my uncle Toby, a singleness of heart which misled him so far out of the little serpentine tracks in which things of this nature usually go on; you can-you can have no conception of it: with this, there was a plainness and simplicity of thinking, with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the plies and foldings of the heart of woman;-and so naked and defenceless did he stand before you, (when a siege was out of his head,) that you might have stood behind any one of your serpentine walks, and shot my uncle Toby ten times in a day, through his liver, if nine times in a day, Madam, had not served your purpose.

With all this, Madam,-and what confounded every thing as much on the other hand, my uncle Toby had that unparalleled modesty of nature I once told you of, and which, by the bye, stood eternal sentry upon his feelings, that you might as soon-But where am I going? these reflections crowd in upon me ten pages at least too soon, and take up that time, which I ought to bestow upon facts.

Chapter 3.LXXIII.

Of the few legitimate sons of Adam whose b.r.e.a.s.t.s never felt what the sting of love was,-(maintaining first, all mysogynists to be b.a.s.t.a.r.ds,)-the greatest heroes of ancient and modern story have carried off amongst them nine parts in ten of the honour; and I wish for their sakes I had the key of my study, out of my draw-well, only for five minutes, to tell you their names-recollect them I cannot-so be content to accept of these, for the present, in their stead.

There was the great king Aldrovandus, and Bosphorus, and Cappadocius, and Darda.n.u.s, and Pontus, and Asius,-to say nothing of the iron-hearted Charles the XIIth, whom the Countess of K..... herself could make nothing of.-There was Babylonicus, and Mediterraneus, and Polixenes, and Persicus, and Prusicus, not one of whom (except Cappadocius and Pontus, who were both a little suspected) ever once bowed down his breast to the G.o.ddess-The truth is, they had all of them something else to do-and so had my uncle Toby-till Fate-till Fate I say, envying his name the glory of being handed down to posterity with Aldrovandus's and the rest,-she basely patched up the peace of Utrecht.

-Believe me, Sirs, 'twas the worst deed she did that year.

Chapter 3.LXXIV.

Amongst the many ill consequences of the treaty of Utrecht, it was within a point of giving my uncle Toby a surfeit of sieges; and though he recovered his appet.i.te afterwards, yet Calais itself left not a deeper scar in Mary's heart, than Utrecht upon my uncle Toby's. To the end of his life he never could hear Utrecht mentioned upon any account whatever,-or so much as read an article of news extracted out of the Utrecht Gazette, without fetching a sigh, as if his heart would break in twain.

My father, who was a great Motive-Monger, and consequently a very dangerous person for a man to sit by, either laughing or crying,-for he generally knew your motive for doing both, much better than you knew it yourself-would always console my uncle Toby upon these occasions, in a way, which shewed plainly, he imagined my uncle Toby grieved for nothing in the whole affair, so much as the loss of his hobby-horse.-Never mind, brother Toby, he would say,-by G.o.d's blessing we shall have another war break out again some of these days; and when it does,-the belligerent powers, if they would hang themselves, cannot keep us out of play.-I defy 'em, my dear Toby, he would add, to take countries without taking towns,-or towns without sieges.

My uncle Toby never took this back-stroke of my father's at his hobby-horse kindly.-He thought the stroke ungenerous; and the more so, because in striking the horse he hit the rider too, and in the most dishonourable part a blow could fall; so that upon these occasions, he always laid down his pipe upon the table with more fire to defend himself than common.