Part 17 (1/2)
”Weird. Like being with a stranger.”
”Why'd you do it, then?”
”I don't know. Habit? Because sleeping with your boyfriend when he travels hundreds of miles to see you is what you're supposed to do?”
”Um-hmm,” she murmured, her mouth against the lip of her mug, her eyes like cattle prods, urging me to continue.
”I don't know,” I said again, another sigh cus.h.i.+oning the words. ”Mostly I think I just wanted to see what was left-if there was anything left, you know? Maybe it felt weird because we've been away from each other for so long. Maybe this whole thing with Garret was just to show me that Shane is who I'm supposed to be with.” Even I didn't believe the words as they left me.
”But you still think he'll freak out about the baby, right?”
”Well, maybe he's right about that. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mother.” Self-doubt seemed to have taken over my thoughts and was now speaking for me instead of reason.
She squinted at me in disbelief. ”Are you serious?”
”I might be.” I threw my hands up in the air, leaned back heavily. ”I'm scared, Nova, okay? I'm scared s.h.i.+tless. I know when I tell Shane, it's going to be over and he's going to go back to San Francisco and I'm going to be all alone and I just don't know if I can take this on with no one to help me.”
Nova set her coffee down with deliberation and pursed her lips before responding. ”But you're not alone. You have me and my mom and your mom and yourself, Nicole. You told me your decision to adopt this baby was set in stone. You were completely sure this is what you were meant to do. Now you have some man trouble and you're letting it affect your sanity.” She sighed. ”What are you really afraid of?”
I stared at the speckled linoleum, tears filling my throat. ”That she won't know me,” I whispered quietly.
”Who?”
”The baby,” I said. ”What if she doesn't bond with me? How's she going to know I'm her mother when I didn't carry her inside me?”
Nova crossed her legs, looking at me. ”You've already started bonding with this baby. She's heard your voice for almost three months. You've touched her as you touched Jenny. You said yourself you feel like she chose you to be her mother.”
”But-” I began.
”Who's in charge of your life, Nicole?” she interrupted.
”I am,” I said, quietly disarmed by the strength of her words.
”Who?”
”I am,” I said again, louder, more insistent this time.
”And what do you want from your life, right now, right this minute?” she challenged.
I let my heart answer. ”I want to be a mother. I want to adopt this baby.”
Nova nodded, shortly. ”Okay, then. Focus on that. Get ready for it. Do what you have to do with Shane. Worry about Garret later. Stop waffling. It's time to get your G.o.dd.a.m.n priorities straight.”
I sat there, stunned, staring at my friend. ”When did you get to be such a hard-a.s.s? I thought you loved me.”
”I do love you. That's why I'm telling you the truth.” She stood and moved over to the stove. ”Now quit your b.i.t.c.hing and let me make you some eggs.”
That afternoon Shane and I ate lunch with Mom and Jenny, then went to sit in the backyard beneath the shade of the pear tree. Small and hard green fruit lay scattered around our feet, rejected by the branches to make room for more healthy bounty. I rolled one back and forth under my bare foot, enjoying the smooth, cool sensation of its skin against mine. Shane held a few papers in his lap, reading them over and making notes in the margins. I thought about what Nova had said, how I needed to get my priorities straight, and realized that Shane had already made his abundantly clear: work would always come first, before anything. Before us. Before a baby. By sleeping with him, by not telling him about the adoption, I had simply been putting off the inevitable. It was time for both of us to tell the truth.
”Did you mean what you said about being a parent?” I suddenly asked him, having planned a more subtle approach to the conversation, but unable to keep myself from this particular question.
He looked up at me, brows knitted together. ”Hmmm?”
”Last night, at the party, when you told Garret you couldn't be a parent, even with me.”
”Of course I meant it. Neither of us is cut out for it.”
I contemplated the smooth edge of my s.h.i.+rt. ”I don't know about that.”
”Oh, come on.” Shane rolled his eyes. ”You've told me a hundred times that marriage and babies are not in the stars for you. Not after everything that happened in your family.”
”I know, but-”
”You're changing your mind now?”
”I don't know. Maybe. Yes.” I paused. ”What would you say if I told you I was considering adopting Jenny's baby?”
Shane carefully set his papers on the gra.s.s before responding. ”Are you considering it?”
I took a deep breath. ”Yes.”
He looked at me, eyebrows raised. ”So. Does considering it mean you've already made up your mind to do it?”
”I think so, yes.” The paperwork is being processed as we speak, I thought. I tried to make my voice sound sure, though every s.p.a.ce inside my body was shaking.
Shane looked at me, expressionless. ”What's this about? Is there something wrong with our life? I think we have it pretty good. A lot better than most people.”
”There's nothing wrong with our life. It's just ... Don't you ever feel like there's got to be something more? Something substantial and lasting and meaningful to live for?”
”So you're telling me we're not those things? That our relations.h.i.+p is insubstantial, limited, and meaningless?”
I sighed, folding my hands in my lap. ”That's not what I meant.”
”What did you mean, then?” His tone had fallen into lawyer mode; he was cross-examining me.
”I'm talking about finding more on an individual level. It's not about our relations.h.i.+p.” I reached over to touch his hand with the tips of my fingers. ”I feel like something is missing for me.”
”Adopting a baby is not just about you,” he interrupted. ”It's about us. It puts our relations.h.i.+p in a place I don't want to go. A place you told me you didn't ever want to go.” His eyes went dark. ”There'll probably be something wrong with Jenny's kid. How you could possibly want to take that on-I don't understand.”
”There's no way to tell for sure if the baby will have problems. I'm hoping for the best.”
He pursed his lips, shook his head in disbelief. ”Nothing is missing for me, babe. I love my job, I love you.” Once again, his priorities clearly stated, in case I needed the matter clarified.
”That's all I need to be happy,” he continued. ”If it's not enough for you, then I guess we've got a problem.”
I dropped my eyes to the ground, watched an ant tackle the mighty deed of scaling a blade of gra.s.s. I envied his determination. ”I guess you're right.”
We were both silent for a moment, lost in our own thoughts. It was I who finally spoke. ”I'm sorry to drop everything on you like this, but being here has changed things for me. I didn't know it was going to happen. Being with Jenny reminded me that I'm good at helping people who can't help themselves. It's what I love to do. It's why I wanted to be a therapist.”