Part 11 (1/2)
He snickered. ”Oh, G.o.d, yes. You should see her at home. She's on her best behavior today, trying to impress you.”
”Well, it's working. She's exactly how I dream a child should be.” I paused, for effect. ”Then, of course, there are Nova's kids.”
Garret laughed outright. ”They're a handful, aren't they? Managing four is much, much different than one. I don't know how she does it with Ryan away so often.”
”Do you want more children?”
”If I find the right woman to be their mother, then yes, definitely.”
”You seem to be doing fine on your own.”
He sighed, straightened his shorts, and then sat up to look at me, his forearms resting on bent knees. His baseball cap shrouded his handsome face in a dark shadow, making it almost impossible to see his eyes. ”I think she'd be happier with a mother.”
I adjusted my position on the blanket, tucking both my legs to one side under me and leaning on a straightened arm. ”Why? She obviously adores you.”
”Well, sure. How could she not?”
”Ha-ha. So modest.”
”One of my better-hidden qualities.” He grinned, then continued. ”But to answer your question, she's always asking me for one. She wants to know why she doesn't have a mommy like Rebecca has Nova. I mean, Nova's terrific-she's as close to an adoptive mommy as I could find-but I just think Lucy needs someone all to herself. Her own mother.”
”But not her actual mother.” I s.h.i.+fted position again, sitting cross-legged beneath the skirt of the floral cotton dress I'd chosen to wear. I rested my elbows on my knees, fingers laced loosely together in front of me.
”Absolutely not. Jackie was not cut out for the job of taking care of a child.”
”What job was she cut out for?”
”Taking care of Jackie.”
I sucked the air in through my teeth, nodding. ”Oh. I see.”
”She told me she got pregnant because she thought it was what you were supposed to do when you got married, like it was the next ingredient in a recipe.”
”Add baby, stir well?” I ventured.
Garret laughed. ”Exactly.” Then he sighed, wistful. ”I thought she was the love of my life. She was this perfect package of a woman.” Here he smiled wryly. ”I guess that would have tipped a smarter man off. She just had this way of making me believe she was everything I'd ever need. Then, pow!” He made a fist with one hand and popped it into an open palm. ”Flattened my heart like a Mack truck.”
I brushed a stray red curl out of my line of vision. ”Ouch.”
”Yeah.”
”Does she visit?”
”She pops up now and then. She gave me exclusive custody in the divorce settlement and didn't ask for visitation rights. Not that that surprised me.”
”Do you even talk about her with Lucy?”
”As little as possible.” He adjusted his hat, then looked at me, sidelong. ”I suppose you think that makes me a terrible father.”
I paused for a moment, considering this. I knew a little about terrible fathers, and from what I'd seen so far, Garret didn't even come close to being one. ”Not necessarily. Silence seems like it would be healthier than bad-mouthing her.”
”I hope so. Especially since what I'd have to say would be less than complimentary.” He shrugged, as if to remove something itchy and uncomfortable from between his shoulder blades. A small gesture, but one that hinted at the wound left inside him. ”I mostly tell Lucy that her mommy just has to live in another state, like her grandparents do. That's usually enough to satisfy her. For now, at least. I guess someday I'll have to find a way to explain that not everyone can handle being a parent. It's a tough gig.”
I nodded. ”I'm getting a taste of it with Jenny. I think I'm going to go nuts sometimes from how much taking care of her demands of me. It never stops. Even when I get a break, I don't really get to relax since she could need something from me at any moment.”
”That's how it is with babies, too. It does get easier, though, as they get older. Lucy insists on doing so much for herself these days.... ” He paused. ”Do you want kids of your own?”
I hesitated, taking a moment to stretch my legs out straight in front of me. ”That's something I've asked myself a lot, lately. I can't give you a simple answer.”
”So give me a complicated one.”
”Do you want to hear something really complicated? Something I haven't even told Nova?” I couldn't believe I was actually considering telling him what I'd barely even told myself. There was just something about him, something that made me feel safe.
”Sure, if you want.”
I swallowed hard, resting my eyes over on Jenny, who was watching Lucy fling handfuls of bread crumbs into the dancing group of ducks on the water. I couldn't believe she was already seven months along, that two months had pa.s.sed so quickly, the moments bleeding into each other like watercolors on a page. I was running out of time.
”I'm thinking about adopting Jenny's baby,” I said, hopeful that if I made the words quiet enough, they wouldn't hold as much power out loud as they did in my head. Oddly, after they were spoken, I felt stronger than I had keeping them so tightly under wraps.
Garret leaned toward me, squeezed my hand quickly, then let go. ”I think that's great.”
”You do?” I was amazed.
”Yep.”
”You don't think I'm out of my mind?”
He tilted his dark head toward one shoulder. ”Why would I think that? You're related to that baby. Her blood is your blood. Of course you'd think about keeping her.”
”But I'm still not sure. I don't know whether I could do it. Don't you think I should be sure about something like that? I'm terrified something might turn up wrong with her, the way it did with Jenny. All the tests have been negative so far, but you never know what might happen. Jenny was basically normal for almost a year before her disabilities really showed themselves.”
”First of all,” Garret began, turning his body toward mine. He quickly glanced toward the pond to check on his daughter before turning his gaze back to me and continuing. ”No one is ever really sure about becoming a parent. I wasn't. I was terrified when Jackie was pregnant. I played the 'what if?' game till I thought I'd go nuts. What if she's got Down's syndrome? What if she doesn't have any feet? You can't believe the crazy stuff I came up with.”
”No feet?” I threw my hands up in the air, joking. ”Give me more to worry about, why don't you?”
Garret sucked his lower lip under the top row of his teeth. ”Oops. Sorry. I was actually trying to make you feel better.”
I laughed. ”I know. It's all just really overwhelming, any way I look at it. The idea of being a single parent ... Well, then I see you and Lucy and you seem to manage everything so smoothly, parenthood, career.” I paused. ”The restaurant is fabulous, by the way. I don't think I told you that. I really liked the feel of the place.”
And I had. When we'd stopped there earlier to pick up the lunch he had prepared the night before, Garret had given me a quick tour. It was right on the beach; all of the tables had a view of the water through walls made entirely of sliding gla.s.s doors. The tables themselves were naked wicker with gla.s.s tops, their centers adorned by dew-fresh, bursting bouquets of sun yellow roses and purple freesia. The chairs were high-backed, wicker as well, though heavily padded, looking to be the kind that were difficult to convince your body to move from once you were settled in for a meal. The kitchen was well-s.p.a.ced and efficiently planned, with s.h.i.+ning stainless-steel appliances and countertops. I confirmed Nova's a.s.sessment of Garret's expectations for perfection with a large sign that hung over the wait staff's station. It read IF YOU'VE GOT TIME TO LEAN, YOU'VE GOT TIME TO CLEAN.
He smiled, obviously pleased. ”Thanks. I've worked hard to make it that way. But my life doesn't go smoothly all of the time. If I'm not taking care of Lucy, I'm taking care of some crisis at the restaurant.... ” He threw his hands up in the air in a casual I-give-up gesture. ”It doesn't leave much time for me. There are days I want to run away, screaming.”
”What would you run away to?”
He shrugged. ”I don't really know. Just away. Don't you ever feel like that?”
”Oh, yeah. It's a feeling I'm very well acquainted with. I've even indulged it a couple of times. That's how I ended up a baker with a master's degree.”