Part 4 (1/2)

”Yes, I did tell you not to work, because I love you, because I want the best for you. I want you to enjoy life. You should be grateful rather than talk s.h.i.+t.” He drew closer to me. ”This is what's going to happen from now on. You will stop taking the pill and we'll make a baby as we planned. Now that you've betrayed me, things are going to change around here. You will no longer have access to the accounts. All your cards are now useless. If you want money, you ask me.” Before his words had the chance to sink in, he narrowed his eyes. ”And you will no longer go anywhere alone. Nolan will accompany you everywhere. Get that? Betray me again and you'll see what I'm capable of.”

Jude was not only s.n.a.t.c.hing away the last piece of freedom I had, he was making me completely, financially, dependent on him. ”You can't do that.” My lip trembled.

”I can do anything I d.a.m.n well please. And there's not a d.a.m.n thing you can do about it.” He backed away from me and approached the kitchen door. But before leaving he turned around, his eyes still hot coals. ”Don't you ever lie to me again or you'll be sorry.”

When he left, I sank to the floor. He was right. He had total power over me, and there was absolutely no way out. Leaving him was not an option, it had never been. He had the weapons to destroy me if he chose to. The only thing to do was suffer silently. But a baby? A baby I wasn't ready for? How would I be able to get out of that? There had to be a way. A baby was no option for me. Not now that he'd shown me a dark side to him, a side I never knew existed. Just as I had no choice but to stay with him, I had no choice but to continue lying to him. I just had to be more careful.

I lay with my head resting against my knees as tears soaked my new jeans. A few moments pa.s.sed before I heard footsteps on the marble floor. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and raised my head.

Jude was back and the anger in his eyes had subsided. He was a completely different person, almost resembling the man I had trusted and fallen in love with.

He stretched out his hand and I hesitated but then reached for it. He pulled me to my feet and wiped my cheeks with his thumbs. Then he brushed his lips against my forehead. ”Don't cry, sweetheart. I don't like seeing you like this. Come on, we have a gala to attend. Go and clean up and put that smile back on your beautiful face.” He ran a finger from my temple to my chin, which he tipped upward. He planted a tender kiss on my mouth. ”I love you. Everything I do, I do for your own good.”

I nodded. I was too confused to do anything else.

”I promise to be the best father to our baby. And you'll be an amazing mother.” He rested the palm of his hand on my stomach and I held my breath. ”I want this baby because I love you so much. I want more of you. Don't deny me that, okay?”

One tear and then another trickled down my cheek as I nodded again. I cried for the man I used to know, the man I used to love until his love killed mine. Today he'd said some things that proved to me that there was no going back to what we had before. Ever. Not as long as he forced me to love him, to have a baby I didn't want.

”Forget the gala,” he said. ”Go and pack. I'm taking you to Paris for the weekend.”

Some girls would have swooned at the idea of flying across the globe to one of the most romantic cities in the world, but I'd had enough of those trips. Right now, what would make me happy would be the freedom to just sit back and relax, to take a long bath and read a book, to cook my own meals, to clean my own floors, to wash my own clothes, to walk around without someone looking over my shoulder. But if today had shown me anything, it was that my husband didn't tolerate not having things his way.

From now on, my life was not my own. I'd just blown the last bit of freedom I had.

Paris was beautiful as usual. I'd been there at least seven times already, accompanying Jude to one of his meetings or events, and for romantic rendezvous. This time he tried extra hard to cheer me up and I did my best to force a smile, but my heart was breaking with each breath.

We stayed at the Shangri-La Hotel, dined at Le Meurice, and he showered me with even more diamonds. As we walked the streets of Paris or sat in the backseat of a limousine, he held my hand the whole time and kissed me every chance he got.

In our luxurious bedroom, believing he had succeeded at making me forgive him for speaking to me the way he had done yesterday, he peeled off my clingy gold sheath and laid me on the bed. He made love to me, slowly, carefully. After he came, I faked an o.r.g.a.s.m so he would stop and roll off my body. I sighed inwardly and went into the bathroom to cry softly. Even in a luxury hotel, I felt trapped. An animal in a golden cage.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN.

I pulled myself up in bed and rested my head against the cus.h.i.+oned headboard, listening to the toilet flush in the master bathroom. When the door opened and Jude walked back in the room, still naked, I drew my knees to my body and wrapped my arms around them.

Jude lifted the covers and slipped in beside me. ”What's up with all this sulking you've been doing lately? One would think you're unhappy.”

I bit my bottom lip. ”I am, Jude. I-”

”What the f.u.c.k do you have to be unhappy about? I love you, I give you everything. What more do you want?” He fixed me with a withering glance.

I inhaled the smell of his cologne and bile rolled inside the pit of my stomach. ”You can love me, Jude. Love me all you want.” I shook my head. ”But please don't control me. It's humiliating being followed around or asking you for money for every little thing.” I yanked back the sheets and went to stand at the window, far from him just in case he lashed out.

The trip to Paris two weeks ago was forgotten and I was back in a life I didn't want, a life I was chained to by the secrets he kept on my behalf.

”You brought that upon yourself. You betrayed me.” His voice was low now. He was on the verge of erupting again. He had been doing a lot of that lately. But as I watched his face, it softened, the hardness just a memory in the faint lines. ”I love you, Haley. But I can't trust you anymore.”

A surge of anger flooded my being and the words rolled off my tongue before I could filter them. ”Your love is suffocating me.”

Silence flooded the room, making my ears ring.

”What did you just say?” Jude got out of bed and barreled toward me. ”Did you just say I'm suffocating you, Haley?”

Pushed into a corner, I gave a small nod and immediately wished I hadn't. I'd have loved to s.n.a.t.c.h the words from the air and swallow them back down. But the damage was done.

”My love for you smothers you. Is that what you're saying?” He tipped his head to the side in question, his left hand gripping my elbow hard for a moment before releasing.

I blinked and he stumbled back as if I'd hit him. I watched the hurt quench the fire in his eyes, and then he sank back down onto the bed. I wanted to go and comfort him, but I was too scared to touch him. My words had cut him to the quick. I knew things would never be the same again.

He dropped his head into his hands and stayed like that for twenty whole minutes. Afraid to move, or even breathe, I stayed put, still naked, until my legs felt numb.

When he finally looked up, his eyes were red. He didn't say a word to me as he walked out of the room. He didn't sleep at home that night, which made me nervous and anxious at the same time. I told myself that maybe he just went to spend the night at a hotel to give me s.p.a.ce. s.p.a.ce was exactly what I needed.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN.

I needed to tell someone what was going on before I shattered within. I had no friends, but Diana Maliano, my hairstylist whom I'd known for a year, was close to being one.

Jude discouraged me from forming friends.h.i.+ps, as when I let people in, I came closer to them discovering my secret. I had agreed at the time, thinking he had my best interests at heart. But now that my faith in him and us was being put to the test, I needed someone else to turn to, someone from the outside.

As soon as I entered Gloss Hair Salon, I instantly felt a weight roll off my shoulders. I inhaled the scents of hair sprays, shampoos, and conditioners. The smell of freedom. The salon was one of the best in Madison and operated on two floors. Over the past weeks, it had become my refuge.

Luckily I had been able to convince Nolan to wait for me outside.

Diana was already ready for me in front of her station on the ground floor, wearing a simple, green summer dress that complimented her chocolate eyes and was short enough to show off her long, tanned legs. Her auburn hair was teased and tied into a disheveled but trendy bun on top of her head. Even in her late thirties, she looked fresh and stylish enough to be mistaken for a twenty-something-year-old.

I didn't look bad myself. In a yellow knee-length, boat neck flare dress, cork sandals, and my hair falling in waves down my back, I had nailed the summer look. But my insides resembled muddy water that cleared the longer I spent inside Gloss.

Since I'd had her do my hair only four days ago, my sleek, pony-tailed hair didn't need her magic fingers but I pretended it did, and of course she needed the money.

Although we never went out for a coffee or dinner or whatever else friends did, she was always happy to see me, to tell me about her two little boys and how well they were adjusting after the divorce to her millionaire ex-husband who had left her without a penny to her name. She used to have everything I had, but she lost it all in the divorce, leaving her to start her life from scratch.

I'd never told her much about my life before today. That was about to change. Surely Jude wouldn't mind me having just one friend. If he found out, I'd just have to convince him that Diana was harmless.

I waited until after my blowout to ask her to lunch at a pizzeria just across the street. The smile on her face told me she was thrilled. So was I. I'd be able to deal with my life better if I had someone to confide in. She had told me once that her husband had been emotionally abusive. Maybe she'd understand.

We shared a pepperoni pizza, and she listened wordlessly as I told her about how I felt unable to breathe inside my marriage. Even when I admitted my fears of falling out of love with my husband, she didn't judge, just took a bite of her pizza. She chewed and occasionally nodded. She listened without comment, no hint of disapproval in her eyes.

When I admitted to her that sometimes Jude frightened me, she wiped her bright pink lips with a napkin and looked me straight in the eyes. I saw a flicker in hers. ”Haley, I know the signs. Once they start abusing you, they get used to it. They start enjoying the power it gives them. If you don't do anything about it right from the start, he'll continue until he has made you small enough to crush under his boot.”