Part 17 (1/2)

I held up a hand, smiling. ”No, it's okay, I can fully imagine. I'll bet Jared loved that.”

”Actually, he didn't. He hated attention back then. Hated it. He didn't trust anyone, he thought everyone was fake, he expected everyone to try to use him, or to f.u.c.k him over. He even hated his looks, because he looked so much like Lorna. He couldn't bring himself to respect many of the girls who rallied around him because most were as superficial as the b.i.t.c.h that gave birth to us. But he wasn't bitter or a total a.s.shole, he was just very guarded and even quiet. He never really showed emotion...probably because at home, emotions had always got him in deep s.h.i.+t.”

It was at that moment that I realised that I had been asking a lot of Jared when I wanted him to talk to me. But how was I supposed to know that this was such a hot b.u.t.ton for him? Still, I felt like c.r.a.p for pus.h.i.+ng him.

”Mom's friends used to tell her she must be so proud to have such handsome sons. She'd say of course she was. One of those friends used to flirt a lot with Jared, who was freaked out by it and avoided her as far as possible. When she got a little too heavy, he went to Lorna and told her to keep the woman away from him. Wanna know what she said? She told him to give her friend the little fling that she wanted. She actually told him to f.u.c.k her friend, which he didn't, and that got him punished.”

”Please tell me that you're joking.” When he shook his head, I asked, ”How old was he?”

”Fourteen.”

My jaw practically hit the floor.

”She didn't see people as people', Sam; especially not him. Jared was just a thing for her to use and manipulate. When Magda turned out to be exactly the same, it did something to him. It changed him. Something in him just...went. Although he hadn't cared about Magda, he'd thought he did at the time. What's more, she'd told him that she loved him. That was something he'd never had before. But she just became another woman that hurt, used, and betrayed him.”

Had I ever wanted to hurt Magda more than I did right at that second?

”When he was made Heir and the spotlight was on him...That was what he'd always wanted. Not necessarily the spotlight itself, but recognition, acceptance, and respect. And, yeah, he got a lot of female attention too. But, again, they didn't want him. They wanted the Heir, they wanted to use him. It didn't even bother him; he'd come to expect that from people, had convinced himself that women were users and manipulators. There'd never been anyone to make him think differently.”

The click in my head was so definitive that I was surprised it hadn't been audible. ”So, basically, all that prejudice...it wasn't because he thought women were the inferior s.e.x. It was because he was angry at women in general.”

Evan nodded. ”But you...you didn't care that he was the Heir. You didn't jump into his bed. You were going to require some effort on his part, some respect, and he liked you enough to give you both. I don't think either of us can appreciate how hard it must have been for him to take the chance of letting you in, knowing you could hurt him. I imagine it was a while before he even realised he'd let you in enough to care about you. He'd probably convinced himself it was all physical, that s.e.x would make it go away.”

Thinking back to the way Jared had behaved in the beginning, how Fletcher and I had mused that he seemed to be sulking over my refusal to s.h.a.g him, I thought that Evan might just be right about that.

”Now do you see why he's being so protective, Sam? You've been the exception to every rule. You're the total opposite of all those women who used him. You're something he hadn't imagined existed, something he needs and will be determined to keep. If you are at all worried about Magda, don't be. He would never want her or anybody else. Nothing in this world could stop him from Binding with you. Nothing.”

And if Evan was right about that, I'd been worrying for absolutely no reason. Jared hadn't shut down because he had doubts, he had shut down for reasons deeper than I would ever have imagined.

”I know the protectiveness is driving you crazy, Sam, but you won't get him to tone it down. Not with how scarred he is, not with how determined he is to never lose you. If you really do love him, don't ask him to change. Just...indulge him in this. Not all the time, but at least sometimes. Especially while your gifts don't seem to be working.”

I nodded. ”Okay, that's fair.”

Evan looked at me beseechingly. ”Now can you understand why he hasn't wanted to talk about our mother?”

”Definitely.”

”Don't think his confidence must therefore be all an act. It's not. Jared fought hard to keep what she tried her level-best to take from him. And it must've been hard. To be told everyday and by your own mother, the person who's supposed to love you that you're nothing, you'll never be anything, you're bad through and through...it's like brainwas.h.i.+ng. But like I said, he'd formed defences against her, and those defences kept him going. He became emotionally independent at a very young age, and the only person other than me who he ever allowed himself to care about was Antonio.”

The man who'd saved him. ”Ah, hero wors.h.i.+p.”

Evan chuckled. ”Antonio was kind of like the dad we'd never had. He was the positive influence that Jared had really needed at the time. Up until that point, I was the only person that Jared had ever let fully in' to his life. Actually, that's not true. Antonio had barged his way in. When he sees potential in someone, he won't let it be left untapped.”

Very true. I knew that from personal experience.

”Jared had resisted at first because, as I said, he'd become emotionally independent at a young age. Maybe that's admirable, but it wasn't good for him. I wanted so much for him to let another person into his life. The great thing about Jared is that once he does, once they're in', he doesn't hold back from them. He'll give them whatever they want or need, he'll kill or die for them. But no one ever really sees that part of him, because he doesn't let them. But he let you. And that should speak volumes to you.”

It did, and now I was crying. I did not cry, but here I was crying.

”Please don't cry. Teary women scare me. It's-” Evan cut himself off when the door suddenly swung open, and in strode Jared.

Oh b.u.g.g.e.r.

CHAPTER ELEVEN.

(Sam) Jared halted at our expressions, but it was when he saw me scrubbing tears from my cheeks that understanding flashed on his face.

Evan got to his feet, hands raised in a placatory gesture. ”I had to tell her, Jared. It was important that she understood.”

Jared did something I would never have seen coming. He simply nodded, giving Evan a half-smile. I almost felt Evan's relief, who returned the smile and gave me a wave before heading for the door. Further surprising me, Jared patted his brother on the back as Evan past him and left the room. Leaving us alone.

Sighing, Jared shrugged. ”Now you know.”

”Yeah, now I know.” In vampire speed, I was pressed up against him, wrapping my arms locked around him. Of course he did that man-thing and struggled. ”This isn't sympathy, you macho sod, this is me wanting to hug you because I love you.” He settled then, curling his arms around me. ”I understand now why you didn't want to talk about her, but it felt like you were pus.h.i.+ng me away.”

He shook his head, sliding his hands into my hair. ”No, baby, not that. Never that. Do you want to know what my two biggest fears are?”

”What?”

”That something bad will happen to you, or you'll leave me. I'm not going to do anything that might make either of those things happen. Oh I'm not saying I'll be a ray of f.u.c.king suns.h.i.+ne, or that I won't screw up sometimes. But I would never do anything that would hurt or push you away. Understand?” He relaxed a little when I nodded. ”I'm just not good at talking about stuff, at talking about feelings and whatever.”

That made me remember what Evan had said emotions had always got Jared into s.h.i.+t. Of course he wouldn't be comfortable having to tell me anything. ”If she wasn't already dead, I'd kill her for you,” I told him with all seriousness.

That got a hint of a smile from him. His hazel eyes smouldered with possessiveness and adoration when he looked down at me. And then my eyes filled up again. He gently swiped the tears away with the pads of his thumbs. ”Hey, don't be sad for me.”

”I might have homicidal tendencies, but I'm not made of stone.”

”No, you're definitely not made of stone.”

”I don't like crying. It makes me feel weak.” And then more tears came. Again, he wiped them away.

”One word I would never use to describe you is weak'.”

”I thought you did in the beginning, when I first came here; that you arrogantly thought I was weak just because I was female. But it was your mother and Magda who'd created the prejudices, wasn't it?”

He tilted his head. ”With you, it was never really prejudice. It was panic. I knew that if I let you in my life in any capacity, even as a squad member, everything would turn upside f.u.c.king down. I'd had an immediate reaction to you, felt instantly possessive, and I hadn't liked it. I hadn't known what to do with it.”

He dropped a gentle but lingering kiss on my mouth. ”I'd just never met anyone like you before. You're not superficial or fake. You're upfront about whatever flaws you have, you don't pretend to be anything but who you are. That's drugging to me.” He dabbed another kiss on my mouth, smiling this time. ”But you didn't want me.”

”Correction: I didn't want to be another of your consorts.”

”You know, in all honesty, I truly hadn't understood your problem over the consorts in the beginning. Women had always used me, and they still did then, so I hadn't seen why I couldn't do the same.” His arms contracted tight around me. ”But that could just be because I'm an a.s.shole.”

”I heard you telling Evan you felt bad. Why?”

”I don't care that she's dead, Sam. I hated her. Some people might say that's not surprising-”