Part 6 (1/2)

”Fine. We can stop on the way back,” Bull said sharply.

”It's okay,” Zach said from behind him, and Bull felt a soft pat on his shoulder. He switched the direction of his turn signal and made the left turn, then the immediate right into the restaurant parking lot.

Thankfully, they weren't busy, and the host showed them directly to a table. Bull placed Zach next to him and took his hand beneath the tablecloth. His mother asked for a gla.s.s of wine as soon as the waiter approached the table. ”I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't serve alcohol. You're free to bring your own and we'll be glad to pour it for you,” he said and then took their drink orders.

”I forgot how ridiculous Pennsylvania is about alcohol. Imagine a nice restaurant not serving wine,” she said more loudly than was necessary, as though someone were going to hear her and instantly change the law just for her. Zach ordered a Diet c.o.ke, and Bull did the same. They got an order of bruschetta to split while Bull's mother ordered a full meal.

”Have you been seeing my son long?” Bull's mother asked Zach.

”I met him at his club, and we had lunch last Sat.u.r.day. Afterwards, a guy mugged me, and Bull came to the rescue,” Zach said and then looked at him. ”This is our first official date, I guess.” He squeezed Bull's hand.

”So this is new,” she said.

”Mother,” Bull warned softly, but as deeply as he could. The server brought her dinner salad, and for a few moments she was quiet.

”You know I don't approve of... this....” She waved her fork at both of them.

”Bull is a good man,” Zach interrupted, and Bull watched the full effect of his mother's steely gaze fall on Zach. ”He's caring and thoughtful, although he doesn't want most people to know that. He's also more than capable of making his own decisions.” Zach leaned over the table. ”He has told you he's gay, right?” Bull's mother's eyes widened and she nodded. ”So is it me you object to? Or that you won't accept facts?” Zach's voice was soft, but his words seemed to carry immense weight. ”If you loved him, you'd accept Bull for who he is and not what you want him to be.” Zach turned toward Bull. ”I wish I'd had the chance to say that to my own family.”

Bull nodded his understanding and turned to his mother, who looked completely shocked. ”I want some wine,” she said, obviously avoiding Zach's question. Instead, she drank her water. The server brought their appetizer to share, along with his mother's fish. She ate it in silence and kept reaching for a wine gla.s.s that wasn't there. To say the rest of the meal was strained was a vast understatement. Bull watched his mother eat silently. He and Zach talked quietly and ate their bruschetta. By the time they were done eating, Bull could have cut the tension with a knife. Zach had quietly apologized to him no less than six times, telling Bull he felt bad for imposing. ”It's not your fault,” Bull whispered more than once.

After a seemingly interminable amount of time, the server brought their check, and Bull placed enough bills in the folder to cover it along with a nice tip. ”You don't need to leave that much,” his mother said, reaching for the folder. Bull took it and placed it out of her reach before standing up. He waited for her to walk toward the door before following with Zach. He tried his best to ignore the way she was acting and enjoy being with Zach, but she was sucking any fun or liveliness out of the room.

Silence prevailed for the rest of the ride to Zach's apartment. Bull parked the car and walked Zach to his door.

”I had a wonderful time and-”

”You don't have to say it. She's your mother and she is the way she is. You can't change her any more than she can change you, thank G.o.d.” Zach looked dramatically toward the starry sky. ”I am sorry I opened my big mouth, but I meant what I said about you, whether she wants to hear it or not.” Zach opened the door to the small entranceway, and Bull followed him inside and up to his apartment. He waited while Zach unlocked the door and then he followed Zach inside. Once Zach had closed the door, Bull pulled him into an embrace. ”I don't think I'll ever get tired of holding you.” He leaned down and kissed Zach hard.

His body reacted instantly, and while the last thing he wanted was to go out to face his mother with a hard-on, he wouldn't change the time he had with Zach for anything. Zach moaned softly and held on as they deepened the kiss. ”I wish you could stay,” Zach said breathlessly.

”Me too,” Bull agreed. ”But I'll call you soon, and we'll get together without my mother tagging along.” G.o.d, that was so d.a.m.ned embarra.s.sing. ”Have a good day at work tomorrow, and I'll call you, I promise.” Bull got one more sweet kiss and then turned to leave the apartment before he decided to let his mother sit in the car while he took Zach to his bedroom. His heart pounded and his breathing raced as he pulled open the door, said good-bye, and then descended the stairs. He sighed as he pushed open the outside door and walked to the car.

”Well, that was a mealtime experience I don't want to have again,” his mother said as soon as Bull got in and closed the door.

Bull clenched the steering wheel as his frustration rose to the surface. ”You chose the restaurant, you ordered the food, and you did everything in your power to make the conversation around the table as unpleasant as possible.” Bull's jaw ached, he was gritting his teeth so hard. ”I really wish I understood you, but I don't. There's no making you happy.”

”Sure there is,” she said pleasantly. ”Find a nice girl and get married.”

Bull snapped his head around to her. ”Right,” he scoffed, trying to keep from yelling at her. ”Make some girl and myself unhappy so you can be happy. I don't think so. You just need to get it through your bleached head that I'm not going to do that. I've done things in my life I'm not proud of, but the people I hurt deserved it. Some innocent girl does not deserve to spend the rest of her life with a man who does not and will never love her.”

”I thought the military would have worked all that c.r.a.p out of you,” she spat.

”The military taught me the meaning of honor and integrity, two things you know very little about.” Bull's hands began to ache and he pulled them away from the steering wheel. His mother turned away and looked out the window. ”You can be as high and mighty as you like, but I don't need someone to take care of me and I'm not the one who's gone through six husbands hoping to find one who'll put up with me for more than two years.”

”You don't need anyone,” she countered softly, and Bull knew she was close to tears. That was the one thing he could not stand, so he closed his mouth and started the engine. He backed out of the s.p.a.ce and drove toward home. Neither he nor his mother said a single word. Bull pulled into the drive and up to the garage door. He turned off the engine. Closing his eyes, he waited to see if she'd say anything.

”I'm sorry I'm such an awful mother.”

Bull rolled his eyes, but he didn't rise to the bait. ”You'd be a lot more pleasant to have around if you listened and didn't act as though you were ent.i.tled to run my life.” The implication hung in the air that she could barely run her own life, let alone anyone else's. He got out of the car and waited while she opened the door and got out. She was obviously hurt, but Bull was determined not to back down. They'd had similar confrontations and conversations every time she visited. What never ceased to amaze Bull was the fact that his mother loved the boys at the club. She had no problem with gay people. What she didn't like was having a gay son.

”But I'm your mother,” she said, falling back to her old standby.

”Yes, and I'm an adult, able to make my own decisions. So you need to make an effort to realize that at this point in my life, I don't need you. I'm grown and don't need my mother any longer. I haven't needed you in my life for a long time. Therefore, if you hope to have a place in my life at all, it's going to have to be because I want want you to, not because I need you.” you to, not because I need you.”

She whipped her head around toward him. ”You don't mean that.”

”Of course I do. Just because you're my mother doesn't guarantee you a place in my life.”

”But you owe me,” she said.

Bull squared his shoulders and stared her straight in the eyes. ”I owe you nothing. After Dad died, you weren't around very much, let alone the mother I needed. Why do you think I left home and went into the service right after graduation? Oh, and while we're at it, why do you think I stayed away for almost three years? I took my leave and saw the world, but I rarely saw you.” She faltered and reached for the car for support. ”I'm sorry if this hurts you, but it's the truth. You haven't been there for me in any way in years. But I've done right by you. So now it's your turn. You need to make a choice about whether we have a relations.h.i.+p at all.” Bull turned and walked away.

He reached the door to the house before his mother said a word. ”Do you have any fond memories of me?” she asked.

”Yes,” Bull said and pulled open the door. ”They're from a long time ago, but there were way too many walks home from school because you forgot to pick me up or coming home to find you pa.s.sed out drunk on the sofa. And let's not forget the parade of stepfathers.”

His mother swallowed. ”They weren't all bad,” she said.

”No, they weren't. But the good ones figured you out eventually and left. The others hung around until you left them. So maybe if you want to be treated better and cared about, you should start with the person in the mirror.” Bull held the door and waited for her to walk inside. He closed and locked the door behind them and walked silently to the kitchen. He poured his single evening scotch and sat in his chair, ice tinkling as he slowly sipped from the gla.s.s. When she joined him, Bull got up and poured her half a gla.s.s of white wine before putting the bottle away. Then he sat back down and closed his eyes, ignoring the silent tension in the room. ”I still miss Dad,” he confessed.

”Me too,” his mother said. ”Every single day.” He watched her tip back the gla.s.s and then pause before taking a sip instead. ”More than anything I want him back.”

Bull finished his scotch and set the empty gla.s.s on the small table next to him. ”I'm the only part of Dad there is.” He'd been thinking a lot about that lately. ”I've spent the past sixteen years trying to figure out why he had to die, and I've spent fourteen of those years hating you for trying to forget him. The stepdads knew what you were doing-at least, Roger did. He told me after you split up. He was the best of them all-a good, kind man. I wasn't able to see it then, but I can now.” Bull s.h.i.+fted in his chair. ”I still talk to him. He calls or I call every few months just to talk.”

”Does he ask about me?”

”No. That's the agreement. We don't talk about you because you broke his heart. I think he really loved you, and I think it hurt when he figured out he was just a subst.i.tute.” Bull stood up, deciding it was time to go to bed. He'd had enough emotion and drama to last him for months. ”He's getting married again in a few months, and he asked me to the wedding.” Bull stepped over to his mother and took the empty gla.s.s she was cradling in her hands. ”Go on to bed. You've got to be tired.” He lightly touched her shoulder and then took the gla.s.s into the kitchen.

”Where is he getting married?”

”The wedding is in North Carolina,” Bull explained. He didn't tell her that he'd not only been invited, but Roger had shocked him and said he wanted Bull to be his best man. Or more accurately, he'd said he'd wanted his son to act as best man. Bull thought about that conversation as he walked down the small hallway to his bedroom. That day on the phone had been the first time he'd cried over anything since his father had died. And there was no way he would tell a living soul. ”In late August,” he added. Roger and Bull's mother had divorced about eight years ago now, and Bull was pleased to see Roger move on with his life. ”Are you going to bed?”

She nodded and got up from the chair. Bull paused and waited until she was in the guest room before checking all the doors and turning out the lights. Then he went to his room and got undressed and ready for bed. His head spun with all the surprises and theatrics of the past few hours. Life was so much easier when all he had to do was look menacing. People stayed out of his way, behaved, and there were no messy emotional complications.

As soon as he turned out the light and closed his eyes, the single reason why he was pleased things didn't always work out that way flashed through his mind. Bull smiled as he thought about Zach and how amazing he'd felt in his arms. On the days he didn't work, Bull always had trouble falling to sleep. He knew he should simply stay up until three and then try to go to bed. That was what he normally did. But his mother was in bed, and if he rambled around the house, he'd only keep her awake. At nearly midnight, he called Harry, who told him everything was fine. The club was having a normal Thursday night, busier than the other weekday nights, but nothing like Friday and Sat.u.r.day. ”Everything is fine, there's no need to worry,” Harry told him. ”How did your date go?” The beat of the music wafted in from behind Harry.

”It was fine until my mother showed up,” Bull explained.

”Ouch,” Harry told him. ”Wait, you didn't say your mother was coming.”

”I didn't know. She drove up from Florida without telling me,” Bull whispered. ”Zach and I were sitting in the backyard, getting to know one another, about to open a bottle of wine, when there she was in all her disapproving glory.” Bull ran his hand over his head and down his face. ”She was rude to Zach and insistent as h.e.l.l. We ended up taking her somewhere so she could eat, and then I took Zach home.”

”Let me guess: after you left Zach, you and your mom had one h.e.l.l of a fight,” Harry said.

”You can quit with the grin I know you're sporting right now. And yeah, we had a fight of sorts. I did most of the talking. I don't know if it did any good, but she was quite subdued when she went to bed.” Bull listened for any sounds in the house, but everything outside his room was quiet.

”That must have made you feel better.” Harry had heard a lot of Bull's stories about his mother, and he'd fielded more than his fair share of Bull's grumpiness after he'd spoken with her.