Epilogue (1/2)

Chapter 44

Someone once advised me “Never gossip about your colleagues in the washroom.” Apparently, this was rule number seven in a famous guide to surviving the corporate world. I’ve always abided by this rule but there are others who pooh-pooh it.

“ … Look at you. Your lipstick is too over the top. You better not get caught by our supervisor!”

“What are you afraid of? The supervisor doesn’t have the time to concern himself over such nitty-gritties. If we women don’t even have the freedom to put on make-up, then where’s the fun in life?”

“Funny you should say that. There are women who don’t care about make-up.”

“Haha I know who you’re referring to. Is it Mo …”

The two young nurses giggled uncontrollably before one of them said “Considering the kind of woman Dr Mo is, do you think she’s ever been in a relations.h.i.+p?”

“Who knows? Though I can’t imagine any man tolerating her razor sharp scary looks.”

“The way I see it, most likely some boy has broken her heart before that’s why …”

“Haha! Keep it down. We don’t want other people to hear us.”

“What are you afraid of! She’s not on duty today.”

I stood quietly in my cubicle. Many people derived pleasure from gossiping about others and I was glad I was able to be their source of amus.e.m.e.nt. Before they left, I unlocked my cubicle and walked out to the wash area where they were. As I was was.h.i.+ng my hands, I felt I owed them an explanation so I said to the nurse whose lipstick was frozen in midair “I’m sorry to say I exchanged s.h.i.+fts with Dr w.a.n.g today.”

After carefully wiping off every last drop of water from my palms, I walked round the two nurses who were still staring at me dumbfounded and exited the washroom. However they choose to insult me upon my departure doesn’t matter.

After all, they weren’t exactly wrong.

I’ll never forget that night after the National Examinations had concluded. That dark, empty KTV corridor echoed with the singing from the various lounges and that did little to calm my racing heart.

I never thought that I would b.u.mp into him while returning from the washroom. His face was ruddy as he made a mad dash for the washroom. Obviously he had drank too much. When he pa.s.sed me, he didn’t even glance in my direction. But I knew, it was my last chance; I didn’t want to graduate with regrets.

“Zhou Zi Yi!” I yelled out.

He took another step forward before looking back puzzled. He looked past me as he tried to determine who had called out to him.

I told myself, Mo Yu Hua, count from 1 to 7 and calm down.

I could sense my feet making its way slowly in his direction as a faraway voice enquired “Could I take up some of your time? There’s something I have to say to you.”

He stared at me baffled.

I confessed “I like you. For three years now, I’ve liked you.”

To be perfectly honest, I never once held hope that he would reply “So have I.” In fact, I had prepared myself for the worst. But when he stared at me incredulously and said “You have got to be kidding … Oh please let me off.”, I knew my emotional s.h.i.+eld wasn’t as strong as I had hoped it would be. So now, even after more than a decade has pa.s.sed, I still remain resolute in my belief that the most hurtful of words often emerge from the prettiest people.

Yun Jin always found it unfair. “Why?” she would question me, “Apart from a handsome face, what do you see in him?” I was never able to answer her.

Love never made sense but bystanders always strove to tease out a plausible reason. Most people are able to find their soul mates while others fall for the imperfect. I belong to the latter.

I had been cla.s.smates with Zhou Zi Yi ever since Year One. The first day of my senior high schooling, I sat in the newly renovated cla.s.sroom feeling out of place as the conspicuous country b.u.mpkin in the spick and span environment. Then, I saw him stroll in casually. It had been a stormy day and many school mates looked bedraggled. However, somehow, he managed to avoid the fate of the other drowned rats. His uniform was immaculate and his shoes was pristine white. He seemed just like an angel that had descended from heaven. I never thought a boy could look so perfect.

I don’t know how many other female cla.s.smates ogled him as I did. When he walked pa.s.sed me, I bent my head low such that my eyes were trained on his dirt-free sneakers. Funnily enough, I suddenly recalled all my past brushes with the opposite gender like my uncles and male friends. They spent years barefeet working hard in the fields up to their waist in mud and their feet always had grime which couldn’t be washed off. A pair of six dollar boots could last my father three years and he would wear that same pair faithfully throughout the seasons. Perhaps I fell for him at first sight; he was like a dazzling bolt of lightning that split open my sky such that I caught a glimpse of another world that was far removed from my home in the fields.

There I stood in the dirt desiring after the one in the clouds.

I once spent many months trying to get rid of the stubborn dirt entrapped beneath my fingernails from the many years of laboring in the fields. I also spent those months scrutinizing my round face in the mirror and trying all sorts of ways to improve it. But eventually I had to face up to reality – I was destined never to become a person of his cla.s.s. Thus I had to work hard and even harder at my studies because I knew apart from that, nothing else could change my fate. Even if I couldn’t become the flawless swan like he was, I refused to remain an ugly duckling

Even though we had been cla.s.smates for three years, up until that moment, we had never once talked to each other. I don’t think he even knew my name. He was just like Cheng Zheng – everyone was envious of him. If Cheng Zheng’s cool att.i.tude towards women caused them to stare from afar, then Zhou Zi Yi’s generous smile easily earned the delight and ire of many. Of course, his smile was reserved only for the pretty ladies.

He was both the most considerate boy as well as the ringleader in teasing girls. His grades were poor and when he created mischief, he did not hold back. But both the princ.i.p.al and teachers were extra forgiving of him because apart from his likeable face, his father was the head of the province’s largest real-estate company.

Later, I found out he was also a kid that n.o.body loved. In all three years in senior high, it was his father’s a.s.sistant who attended all the parent-teacher conferences in his parents’ stead. According to hearsay, there was only him and his nanny living in his mansion most of the time. In fact, whenever he had the chance, he would invite friends over to his place to enjoy unbridled fun.

In our second year at senior high, I heard someone mention that his father had made a rare visit to the school to meet with the princ.i.p.al. Even more shocking was his luxury car had been smashed beyond recognition in that same visit. It was the most sensational news in a long while. However, because they never managed to capture the perpetrator, the matter died down. No one ever knew that I had witnessed him in the school’s parking lot smas.h.i.+ng every window of what appeared to be an expensive drive. It was coincidence on my part really.

So even the world up in the clouds wasn’t perfect. When a woman’s love has some traces of maternal love mixed in, it would become even more irretractable. I pitied him but I was also aware that if he came to know of it, it would be the most absurd situation – my pity wasn’t worth anything. I was a n.o.body not only to him but also to the rest of the world. Nonetheless, he became the softest spot in my heart.

My love was a secret and it was hopeless. I am not Yun Jin, I cannot control my feelings. My rational mind warned me to stay clear of him, but my treacherous heart always betrayed me. Thus, I chose to confess that fateful night. I didn’t dare dream that any result would come out of it. All I wanted was to leave my teenage years behing without regrets.

I loved a handsome boy in my youth. Even though he viewed me as a monster and fled terrified upon my confession, even though I became the laughing stock in his circles, I never regretted it.

The effort one invests in his academics always has better returns as compared to the attention one invests in people. My diligence paid off and I entered my dream university, becoming the first female in my county to successfully escape the fate of a farmer. With my poor father’s full financial support and overflowing expectations, I began university life in the city. My life in university can be summarised as stints in one laboratory to the next. I’m not an exciting person by far and was a born introvert hence it comes as no surprise that I don’t have many friends. Thankfully I had Yun Jin. Us being in the same city culminated in the establishment of a close friends.h.i.+p.

The summer of our first year in university, Yun Jin hesitantly brought news of his having a girlfriend. Frankly, I already knew. I rarely left comments in my friends’ social media but I was always lingering on the various platforms to see what he was up to. His was an open relations.h.i.+p that was well doc.u.mented online. From the many photos posted online, I could tell the girl was just like him – another pretty face. Seeing his contented and blissful smile, I knew he was truly in love. He wouldn’t remember me. Perhaps when the couple was joking, he would mention me – how this unknown country b.u.mpkin had professed her unwanted love for him.

I a.s.sumed that was how I would spend the rest of my life – secretly watching him live happily from afar. I never expected that when I next saw him, it would be the sixth year post graduation. By that time, he had carved a name for himself in the real-estate world. More importantly, he had become engaged to his sweetheart.

When he made a stopover at G-city and organised a gathering, Cheng Zheng rang me up to ascertain my attendance. I knew Cheng Zheng’s motivations – he was afraid that if I didn’t attend, neither would Yun Jin. He badly needed an opportunity to heal the cracks in their relations.h.i.+p. Cheng Zheng couldn’t have known that even if he had not made that call, I would still have attended. I am not one to hide from reality. Another way of putting it would be I desired to meet Zhou Zi Yi confidently.

That night, Zhou Zi Yi had approached me to make small talk. He told me “Yu Hua, you’ve become prettier.” I was flattered. Even though I knew his words could never be taken seriously, my heart was making somersaults; at least he knew my name!

The six years had made his handsome appearance even more suave but it also helped me perfect the art of looking unaffected. We sat across each other and drank; if someone had told me years earlier that there would come such a day, I would have scoffed at him. When we were both sixty percent drunk, he teased me and asked if I had found the man of my dreams. I laughed and enquired if he had forgotten how I used to be infatuated with him back in senior high. My words made him double over in laughter as he pat my shoulders in approval of my sense of humour. For that, we toasted.

What he didn’t know was that the many years since the fateful night had confirmed it for me – I would never love another like him. The world is a place of cruel irony; the line between fact and fiction is often blurred. The person I loved was right before me but he didn’t even know it. He also didn’t know I would never lie about certain things.

That day he had too much to drink and he said many things. I was the same even though I was usually a quiet person. Eventually, he was completely wasted and I flagged a cab to see him back to his hotel. He rested heavily on my shoulders and slurred “Yu Hua, you’re an interesting person. If we could turn back the time, maybe I would have fallen for you heh.” My reaction was to laugh in unison. I wasn’t a fool. Zhou Zi Yi was a businessman through and through; even when he was drunk, he would not let himself be forced into a corner. He said “if we could turn back time” but we all knew that wasn’t possible. What he meant to say was, he would never fall in love with me.

When we reached his hotel, I staggered and stumbled my way to his room as I tried to balance both our weights. The other guests in the elevator caught a whiff of the stench of alcohol on us and took in the sight of us with hands around the other with unmasked disapproval. When the hotel staff unlocked the door to his room, I was so exhausted I dumped his body unceremoniously on the carpet of the luxury suite. I had done my duty as a former cla.s.smate. He lay on the carpet and struggled with loosening his tie. I couldn’t stand seeing him fumbling helplessly so I bent down and helped him. As I reached out, he yanked abruptly on the other end of the tie, causing me to teeter and I narrowly avoided falling on top of him.

“Don’t go …” He begged.

I got up and called the male staff on s.h.i.+ft to watch over him.

As I made my way back to the elevator, I clasped my burning face in my cold, shaking hands. I had to admit, my heart was racing back there. Any normal woman will not be able to remain unmoved in the presence of the man she loved. I could have stayed and used drunkenness as the perfect excuse to spend a night with him. Then at least I would have memories to last me a lifetime. But I, Mo Yu Hua, am simply unable to bed a man who keeps chattering on about missing his fiancée. I couldn’t bear to lower myself to that level. I was destined to pine after him from afar.

The next day, he called to thank me and invited me out for a meal. I declined him, citing school as an excuse. I couldn’t cope with a second night whether he intended it or not.

In the end, he returned to Shanghai. The gathering changed our friends.h.i.+p and we kept in contact. Sometimes he would call to make small talk, other times he would pour out his frustrations concerning snags in his career or relations.h.i.+p. Chen Jie Jie was his fiancée and the one name he mentioned the most. She was indeed a fortunate girl to have Zhou Zi Yi the infamous player fall hard for her. She could leave him in the country without reservations as she studied in Europe. While I dare not say he didn’t sleep around in her absence, he was definitely emotionally faithful. I believe apart from her beauty, there must have been something particularly winsome about her.

My days pa.s.sed in a blur as I shouldered more responsibilities as a resident. There was an advantage to studying medicine; it helped me forget the fact that I was single even at the ripe age of twenty-five.

In my seventh year of university, I had just a.s.sisted in a simple appendicectomy when I received an urgent call from Meng Xue – Zhou Zi Yi had been in a serious car accident in Shanghai and his life was hanging in the balance. She asked if I wanted to fly in to Shanghai with her but I declined. There was no meaning in going there. His family’s affluence would ensure his getting the best treatment if he didn’t die. If he died … If he died, nothing would have changed.

I stood rooted to the spot, stunned at my own heartlessness. My senior c.u.m mentor, Dr Wu, was shocked “Little Mo, why are you crying?”

Was I? I wasn’t aware of it then. I touched my face, I was indeed crying.

“Nothing. My eyes was irritated is all.” I replied.

Dr Wu smiled and dropped the matter “Perhaps you should go to the washroom to handle your “irritated” eyes.”

In the subsequent days, I reported for work as per usual and went for my break as per usual. I refused to enquire about how he was faring miles away. However, in my dreams, I was haunted by an ocean of blood.

On the sixth day, Meng Xue called. She sighed “Luckily he’s tough. He’s out of the woods but still not in a good shape. His ribcage is broken in three parts with one fragment narrowly avoiding piercing his lungs. His spleen is ruptured and one-third has been removed. His left nasal bone is fractured as is his left femur. Sadly even the rich are bound by circ.u.mstance; even in his state, his parents are held up by business and only managed to accompany him for two days before rus.h.i.+ng off. His fiancée is slightly better and she calls everyday. She claims she’s preparing for a major examination and can’t make it back. His family has hired private, highly qualified nurses to care for him round the clock. But even then, nurses cannot take the place of family. Seeing him like this … it’s really sad.”

I hung up and mulled over it for a long time. Even before I came to a decision, I found myself already packing. I called Dr Wu to request a long leave of absence. His tone became serious on the other end “Little Mo, you should know that this residency is crucial. It affects your chance of employment with the better hospitals. You’ve always performed stellarly and our hospital has always been keen on signing you on. If you should take a long leave now … You really should think twice.”

“Senior, I’m certain.”

That very afternoon, I took all my allowance from my residency and flew straight to Shanghai. When I landed, I rushed to the hospital immediately. At the sight of Zi Yi wrapped completely in gauze, I simply couldn’t connect him with the carefree man I knew. I stood next to him and set down the luggage in my hand. He was so weak he couldn’t speak but when he saw me, a single tear rolled out of the corner of his eye.

In the subsequent days, I made arrangements with the staff there. The nurses would tend to him as usual but I would take over any specialized care that needed expertise. The nurses’ burden was lightened yet they enjoyed the same pay so naturally they were more than happy to accept my offer. As for the hospital, I told them I was a friend but I’m sure most of them treated me as his girlfriend. It was not surprising for who would believe that a simple friend would abandon everything to care for him so meticulously? Thus in the many days after, whenever the doctor on duty teased him “You rascal, your luck is pretty good huh. You managed to stay alive despite the horrific crash and you even have a professional doctor as a girlfriend to take care of you.” I never corrected him.

Zi Yi had always been physically fit so his wounds healed relatively quickly, After twenty odd days had pa.s.sed, he could even sit up in bed and most of the casts were removed. However, his hands and feet were still in plasters and he couldn’t care for his own hygiene. Whenever I gave him a wipedown, he would blush furiously and his body would tense when I reached his lower half. To me, any part of the human anatomy, be it male or female, was exactly what it is, human anatomy. Thus I often rea.s.sured him “You don’t have to feel awkward in front of a doctor. I’ve seen some larger than yours and some smaller than yours. You can relax. Yours isn’t at all special.” However, a month later, as I was cleaning him as per routine, I found a portion of him had an unusual reaction. I have to admit, I felt no less embarra.s.sed than he did so I coughed lightly and remarked “Seems like you’re really making a good recovery.”

For two months, we were in our own world. I even slept in his VIP room. Every night, I would converse with him before we fell asleep on our respective beds. He hated the nurses’ way of doing things and refused to let them near him. Even his meals were rejected unless I fed him. There was even once when I went roaming in the hospital grounds and returned a tad later than usual. I hadn’t even entered his room but I could hear him throwing a huge tantrum at my absence. I almost thought I was important to him until the day of his discharge. I had made a short trip to the hospital canteen to grab breakfast but when I returned, I could no longer squeeze my way into his room. His parents, friends, and even subordinates had swarmed the room. Even from a distance, I could smell the ugly fragrance of fresh flowers.

I sat at the other end of the hospital and finished both sets of breakfasts silently. When one is full, one wouldn’t be as sad. When I finally walked back into the room, the ma.s.s had long gone. It was so pathetic really; I had harboured hopes that he would be like the das.h.i.+ng male leads in dramas and make a reappearance just before I gave myself to despair. He would say “I’m still here.”

But of course, he too was long gone. Humans are like that. Even when they know it was impossible, they still hoped.

The only person remaining in the room was a middle aged man who claimed to be his father’s a.s.sistant. He expressed sincere grat.i.tude on behalf of the Zhou family. One could tell he was an honest and kind man. When he said “We know that Ms Mo has taken good care of Mr Zhou on account of their close friends.h.i.+p. But as compensation for your time, we would like to present you with this. Should you refuse, we would a.s.sume that you don’t take Mr Zhou as a friend.” as he pushed a thick package towards me, I realised I didn’t have any reason to refuse him. Hence, I accepted it and weighed it in my hands. The Zhou family sure was generous. This sum was enough to hire the best doctor in all of China. I tore open the flap and counted twenty pink notes before returning the rest to him. “Could you please relay my thanks to Mr Zhou for paying my return airfare?”

When I flew back to G-city, the first thing I did was to visit Yun Jin. There she lay on the bed with a deathly white face that was no different from the bedsheets. When she saw me, she took a long time before finally choking out “Yu Hua, the child is no more. The doctor says I’ll never have children in future.”

I sat by her bedside and clasped her hand in mine as her tears flowed freely. Even a girl so adept at protecting herself could be so stupid in the name of love. Could it be that every woman had to be silly once in their life before they learned to be strong? She was the same. As was I.

When I was still by Yun Jin’s side, I received a call from Zi Yi. He said “Yu Hua, I’m grateful to you. I’ll never forget this. If you should need my help one day, come h.e.l.l or high water, I will get it done.”

I listened to him quietly before replying “What would I need that requires you to go through h.e.l.l or high water? Don’t think so highly of yourself. I went to Shanghai not for your sake but for my own. You don’t owe me anything.”

When I hung up, I told Yun Jin “He’s such a shrewd person through and through. Everything has a price to him. Did you hear? He said to thank me, he was willing to go through h.e.l.l or high water. That is the price he set on me … but what fault is it of his? He never made any request of me. Everything that I did, I was willing. I did it for myself, not because of compa.s.sion for him.”

When my tears had dried, I had an emotional breakthrough.

On my return to my hospital, I received a strict warning. Thankfully, due to my otherwise good performance, I didn’t receive worse punishment.

Half a year later, I received Zi Yi’s wedding invitation. It was clearly written – Groom Zhou Zi Yi and Bride Chen Jie Jie sincerely invite you, Ms Mo Yu Hua, to their wedding on xx/xx/xx.

She had finally come home. The prince and princess were destined to be together. It was just as well that the lovers had reunited.

The eve of the wedding, Yun Jin asked me “Yu Hua, will you attend?”

I replied “I will. Why not? Since I have to give a red packet, I might as well go and take a look for myself.”