Chapter 38 (1/2)
Chapter 38
“… I will no longer be able to bear children.”
It was complete silence behind her.
Why did she say it? She was already prepared to carry this secret to her grave. He didn’t have to know about its existence or the fact that she had struggled through the terrible experience alone … it felt like falling into a deep abyss where the light became further and further out of reach until it was no more.
Her child, no, their child. It had survived inside her for a few days only. Even though it had wrongly sited itself, causing her to bleed ma.s.sively, it was still their flesh and blood. An undeniably product of their love. Thus, it was fitting that it followed the fate of its parents’ romance – it existed but eventually died because it was a mistake.
But now, she blurted it unexpectedly. She was still that same old girl who tried hard to plaster on a brave façade although her anger was still easily piqued by Cheng Zheng. He had accused her of not loving him. So many years had pa.s.sed but she still couldn’t break free of the emotional chains the words had placed on her.
Yun Jin didn’t know what Cheng Zheng’s exact reaction would be although she did know that it would definitely hurt him to his core. This was the lethal poison she carried around in her heart.
Lu Lu was absolutely right; burying a secret within was truly unbearable. Now, she finally had no more secrets but ironically, the gaping hole in her heart had widened despite the great reveal.
Cheng Zheng still hadn’t responded. Much time pa.s.sed before Yun Jin heard a sound likened to sobbing. She looked back and saw Cheng Zheng crouching on the floor with his face buried between his knees. He seemed so vulnerable, like a little child crying.
He had never once cried before her. When they were together, there was once he injured his calf while playing soccer. His tibia had fractured and it looked sickeningly painful. When Yun Jin woke up in the middle of the night to check on him, she saw that his face was contorted in pain and his body was drenched in cold sweat. She had told him “Cheng Zheng, if it’s so painful, you should let it out. Crying might make you feel better.” He retorted haughtily “I’m not a woman. Crying would be a disgrace to my manhood.”
So, even when he suggested they break up and he saw her leave, he never once shed a tear.
Cheng Zheng didn’t like children. Most of the time, he seemed an oversized kid himself. At his age, he had yet to fully appreciate his own father’s love for him and he never envisioned himself as a father. But when Yun Jin uttered those words, the tears that fell came from within. Nothing could stop the tears from bursting its banks. If their break-up and the resultant four year wait was despair, then his emotion right now was that of heartwrenching grief.
Yun Jin took two steps towards him before stopping. She lowered her gaze. From this angle, she saw a vulnerable Cheng Zheng for the first time. Conversely, she didn’t feel like crying. It was actually quite ironic. When she saw him in pain, her hurt lessened. Apparently, it wasn’t only happiness that should be shared, pain had to as well. In fact, her pain could only be shared with him because half of it was rightly his in the first place.
When their paths had crossed once again, she knew the true reason why he constantly shadowed her. He could act distant all he wanted, or say as many hurtful things as he wished but she knew he still loved her. Cheng Zheng would always be transparent to her. She could see right through him – his every joy and sorrow. The only reason why she chose to keep back was because in the four years, she slowly came to realise that while Cheng Zheng was immature, her low self-esteem and cowardice played a significant role in the fracture of their relations.h.i.+p as well. Wasn’t bottling her emotions the main reason for their break up?
Both she and Cheng Zheng didn’t know how to love the other right. Perhaps if from the start they had met other more appropriate partners, they would probably be enjoying wedded bliss by now. However, they had once made a voluntary choice to be together despite the odds and they had to live with the consequences – their individual darkness had been forced to the surface by the other and their ugliness was laid bare. She was afraid that history would repeat itself.
Meanwhile, familiar neighbours continued to enter and leave the elevator. When they saw the strange sight of two neighbours who supposedly had nothing in common, they exited with a confused expression. Yun Jin could see that Cheng Zheng had grown tired from all the sobbing as he rested his face in his palms and refused to look up. She took a step forward before hesitating. Eventually, she pressed the b.u.t.ton that would take her to her floor.
Cheng Zheng sensed that she was leaving him so he slowly got to his feet behind her. His face was tear-stained as he said bitterly “Su Yun Jin. You never liked talking but how could you have kept quiet about such a matter! You’re a selfish woman. Why must I always be the one to look for you? Can’t you come find me? It’s been four years and I’ve always been in the same place. But what about you? Where were you all this while?”
Yes, where was she? Truth be told, she had never gone far. The only problem was she never dared look back once she left.
The lift door slowly closed and it hid Yun Jin’s expression from view.
From that day on, Cheng Zheng disappeared from her world. He had most likely moved out from her district. Yun Jin’s life returned to normalcy. Strangely enough, without his hovering, her relations.h.i.+p with Dr Wu also cooled. Dr Wu had called her twice to arrange another date but on both occasions, she had turned him down with a suitable excuse. Eventually they became estranged.
Yu Hua was right. Wasn’t this to be expected of relations.h.i.+ps today? Everyone was busy; no one had the time for a relations.h.i.+p that didn’t hold any promise. It’s been said that independent women didn’t like being clingy and that was just as well. In this day and age, who couldn’t survive without a specific person?
Zhou Zi Yi had divorced. Four years ago, while he was in Shanghai, he got roaring drunk in the dead of the night. He sped along the highway and subsequently crashed into the road divider. Not only did his beloved Porsche become mangled like sc.r.a.p metal, he himself became a ragged puppet. When he was sent to the Intensive Care Unit, his filthy rich parents had sought out the best doctors, the best treatment and the best physiotherapy for him. However, they only stopped by twice to see him. On the other hand, his fiancée would frequently make long distance calls but this did little to change his circ.u.mstance.
Initially, all his old cla.s.smates went to visit him except for Yu Hua. However, on the sixth day of his hospital admission, she threw aside her practice and gave her mentor a heads-up before flying to Shanghai personally. She didn’t care for her mentor’s approval; she knew she had to go to him no matter what.
When she was in Shanghai, Yu Hua learned about Yun Jin’s matter and she gave her a call. Yun Jin couldn’t comprehend Yu Hua’s foolishness. The sort of person Zhou Zi Yi was … Yun Jin would never forget the look on his face when Yu Hua had confessed. Even if she did not bring up the past, Zi Yi had not even bothered keeping in touch with them old cla.s.smates all these years. His career and love life were flouris.h.i.+ng and he was so smug as he basked in his own glory. Now that he had his downfall, why should the very person he viewed as a monster sacrifice everything selflessly to go to him?
She rankled with injustice for Yu Hua. Sometimes, women were too foolish.