Part 22 (1/2)

They aren't using a Dumpster, instead choosing to stuff construction debris in all the neighbors' garbage cans up and down the alley. Since the cans are full, the other residents are simply throwing their trash on the ground, and it's a virtual rodent fiesta!

”I think one of them lost a finger today,” Fletch tells me. ”I half expected to see a rat run off with it in his mouth.”

”Serves them right. I'm still mad about the phone.” Recently we lost phone service, coincidentally right after they b.u.mped into the pole with their big machine with the shovel on the front of it. I heard the noise and went outside to inspect the damage and saw a ton of loose wires hanging from said pole. The one guy who can speak English on the crew swore they had nothing to do with it.

I, um, politely disagreed.

Let's just say after I mentioned the Department of Naturalization and Immigration, he suddenly remembered the accident and got it fixed. What's nice is I now know how to say b.i.t.c.hy Fat Girl in Russian.

Or possibly Polish.

Weblog Entry 3/10/03150 IT'S ALL GREEK TO ME Did you know that Lifetime has a separate movie network now? I made this happy discovery when our satellite dish was installed at our new house. I'd always figured that Lifetime was a repository for Tori Spelling movies151 but had no idea how many of today's most sought-after actresses got their start here. Presently they're running a Road to Fame series featuring B movies with A-list talent. Although I missed the Gwyneth Paltrow/Robert Urich opus, I caught Dying to Belong, starring Hilary Sw.a.n.k.

I was not disappointed!

In the movie, Hilary is a college freshman who goes through sorority rush with her nerdy, wannabe roommate Jenna Von Oy.152 They pledge Pi Gamma Beta and thus the drama began and anything resembling reality ended.

Seriously? I laughed my a.s.s off.

I have rushed, pledged, and held leaders.h.i.+p positions within a sorority, so I'm intimately familiar with collegiate Greek systems. It was painfully obvious to me that the writer/director/producer of this masterpiece couldn't say the same. They took every bit of negative, stereotypical anecdotal evidence and smushed it together to make this movie.153 Anyway, the gist of the movie is that Six dies during a hazing incident and all the sisters clam up in the Pan-h.e.l.lenic version of omerta to protect Pi Gamma.

Yeah, right.

I pledged to protect my sorority's rituals to the grave, too. But I have to tell you the minute I had a couple of drinks in me, I was comparing handshakes and secret knocks with the rest of my Greek buddies. The stuff that seemed so solemn when whispered by candlelight was HILARIOUS after ten Miller Lites. So I guarantee these sorority girls would have thrown the guilty party under the bus the second the cops started to question them.

If you want a real picture of what life in the Greek system is like, check out MTV's Sorority Life. I watched this program over the summer and found the cattiness, the bulls.h.i.+t, and the liability discussions so much like my own experience that I sweated for a minute over whether I'd gotten all the signatures on my pledge paddle.

Point? The real ”secret” of these secret societies is why we joined them. It wasn't for sisterhood or ritual or lifetime commitment or the privilege of sharing a bathroom with 87 other girls. The secret is...

...we joined them to meet boys.

”Good morning! Are you in?” Fletch greets me from his station on the couch. He's parked in front of The Price Is Right.

”I still don't know.” I'm back from a breakfast meeting with Chris Birchton. I've had four more interviews with the company, bringing me to a total of six so far. I've met three vice presidents, two partners, and today, a founder. ”I mean, yes, I'm dying to work for these guys. I know their client base, I love their approach to doing business, and I'm so impressed with their integrity. Every person I meet makes me want this job more. I'm just not sure how I did today.”

”How come?”

”The founder was walleyed. I tried to maintain eye contact, but I didn't know which one to look at-they were kind of all over the place.”

”They won't hold that against you.”

”I guess. We talked about compensation today and he hinted about making an offer, so that's a good indicator. And how about you? Anything happen while I was gone?”

It's been two weeks since Fletch's trip to New York. While he was out there, he met the entire executive board of the company. They treated him to a sw.a.n.ky lunch at a private club and pretty much fawned all over him. With the battering his ego's taken lately, I'm glad an employer finally recognized what an a.s.set he'd be.

After he made the rounds, the recruiter told Fletch they were going to hire him and to expect an offer letter any day now. Normally this would be cause for great celebration, but the whole situation strikes me as a little off. The recruiter didn't tell him any terms, like salary, benefits, or start date. If you're going to make an offer, you make the offer and then back it up with a letter, you know?

”I called them and they said everything was proceeding as planned. I definitely have the job, although they're still checking references.” Fletch shrugs and returns his attention to Bob Barker.

”Wait a minute. It's been four days. What do they need to know that they can't find out in four days' time? You should have them talk to me; I can tell them whatever they want. Not only am I married to you, but I met you at work, so I know your work ethic. It's good.”

”Thanks, but I don't think so.”

”Why not? I'd be totally honest. I'd tell 'em your drawbacks, too. Your taste in music sucks, you have an obsession with keeping your car clean, and you still haven't unpacked the boxes in the den. On the upside, you're a snappy dresser, you're smart, and you always pick up the lunch tab. What's not to like?”

”When you put it like that, I'm a shoo-in. By the way, Courtney called. She and Brett are having dinner tonight and she wants us to join them for a drink afterward.”

”Can we afford it?”

”We'll manage. After all, we're both about a week away from starting work, right?”

Wheeeee!!! Drunkieee like a Monkeees! Courtnneee and Bretttt are cuttttte. KISSY KISSY. And stoooopid, stoooopid Kathleen is beeeingg meeeeannn to Court!! I tolle you she's BAAAAADDD. I talllked and taaalked about Birchycompany and saidddd it was GGGGRRRRRReeat! Court saysss Brichtooom LURVES me and I haaaaavve a jooooobbb! Wooo hooo! Ricccchhh aaaagaiiin!!

”Hey, sweetie, guess what,” I call, walking in the back door. ”It must be Take Your Child to a Dangerous Construction Site Day! There's a ton of little kids crawling all over the haphazardly stacked pallets of bricks and Mount Garbage. I'm going to stand on the porch with the cordless phone so I can call nine one one when one of them gets flattened like Wile E. Coyote. Fletch, you've got to see this!” Silence. ”Fletch? You here?” More silence. ”Honey, where are you?”

I walk up the stairs and find Fletch sprawled facedown on the bed. ”Fletch? What's up?”

Face in his pillow, he mumbles, ”I didn't get the job.”

”WHAT? How can that be? What happened? Did you get a bad reference?”

”No, the recruiter said my references were great. They said an internal candidate came up late last week, so they gave the job to him.”

”No! They can't do that! They can't tell someone they have a job and then NOT GIVE IT TO HIM. They can't! I don't know if it's illegal, but it's totally unethical.”

”They did it anyway.”

”But why are you just lying there? Why aren't you up in arms? This is infuriating! Why aren't you mad?”

”I give up.”

”You can't just give up. What does that mean, anyway? You give up?”