Part 17 (2/2)
A phone number in exchange for the opportunity to earn fifty large? ”Brett, I'm pretty sure we're even.”
I'm finis.h.i.+ng reading all the day's new job postings when Fletch walks in. ”Hey, sweetie, what's up? You're home really early.” Maisy and Loki bark and spin, delighted at their dad's unexpected arrival. I am too because I'm dying for a little human interaction. I talk to those d.a.m.n dogs all day long. Someday they're going to start talking back, and I am simply not prepared for that.
Then I notice that Fletch is carrying a huge paper box full of personal effects. Uh-oh.
”You want the good news or the bad news first?”
I take a deep breath. ”Bad, please.”
”I was laid off.”
I gesture toward his box. ”I figured. But you know what? It's not your fault. I know how hard you worked, and I'm very proud of the job you did there. Are you OK?” I fight my way through the dogs to give Fletch a big hug. After seeing his employer on C-SPAN every day for the past month, we suspected this might happen.
”Actually, I am. They gave me a decent severance package, and I'll still get my year-end bonus. Plus I'm eligible for unemployment insurance, so we'll be OK for a little while.”
”That's the good news?”
”Nope. When Clark told me my position was eliminated, he could barely keep from smiling. Miserable son of a b.i.t.c.h. While I'm packing up my stuff and commiserating with everyone else-Lisa, Bill, and Ernesto are also gone-the regional VP goes into Clark's office and closes the door. Two minutes later we hear shouting and slamming. Apparently Clark got canned, too.”
”He didn't know it was coming?”
”Completely blindsided him.”
”That's hilarious.”
”Yeah, but I didn't tell you the best part. Right before I walked out, I poked my head in his door and said, 'I'll save you a place in line at the unemployment office.' Must have been the last straw because he lunged out of his chair and took a swing at me!”
”No way!”
”I kid you not. Ernesto called the police, and the whole team got to enjoy watching Clark being escorted out in handcuffs. Best day of work ever.” A malevolent grin plays across his face.
”You baited him.” I'm always secretly delighted when Fletch gets in touch with his inner evil streak.
”You bet I did. That man made me miserable for three years with his explosive rage. He was so much like my dad. As I never had the pleasure of seeing my father arrested, this was the next best thing. I should be upset about losing my job, but I feel great.”
The phone rings and I peer at the caller ID. ”Fletch, hold that thought-it's Midwest IR. I'm crossing my fingers that it's an offer.” I take a deep breath before grabbing the phone. ”Good afternoon. Jennifer speaking.”
”Hi, Jennifer. It's Julie from Midwest IR. How are you?”
”Terrific, thanks! What's up?” I'm trying to sound cool, but really I'm a basket case. I need this job now more than ever. After an entire YEAR off, I'm dying to get back to work. I'm even thrilled at the prospect of wearing panty hose again. Shoot, I'll take public transportation if I need to. This way Fletch can be on my health insurance so he doesn't have to worry about COBRA. Ooh, and I'll start another 401(k) and begin to feel like a real adult again.108 So what if it's a step down? With my work ethic, I'll be back on top in no time. I predict a promotion in six months or less. After all, the other VPs loved me at Midwest IR. And when- ”I'm calling to say we've decided to go in a different direction.”
”I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?” The dogs are still yipping and whining, so I must have heard her wrong.
”We've decided not to extend an offer. But I really enjoyed our interview after hearing so many good things about you.”
”I don't understand. I promise I wouldn't be bored if that's your concern. I know I worked on more advanced projects before, but-”
”You just don't have the kind of experience we need in this department.”
”Cut the c.r.a.p, Julie. I created the very product your department supports, so don't tell me I'm not experienced. Level with me. When Corp. Com. laid me off, they never gave me a reason, and it's driven me nuts for a whole year. Be honest. Was I overconfident? Arrogant? Whatever was wrong, please tell me so I can fix it before I interview anywhere else.”
Julie sighs and lowers her voice. ”Jen, you did everything right and I really lobbied for your hire. But Ben won't let me bring you back. He says you're too unprofessional.”
Oh, that is rich. ”Julie, do you know why I left Midwest IR in the first place? It's not solely because I got a better offer. Ben threw a cup of coffee at me during a board meeting while screaming, 'If you can't give me the f.u.c.king answers I want, then f.u.c.king lie to me!' But as I was not about to let that old b.a.s.t.a.r.d see me cry, I replied, 'Come on, sir, you're the president of this place-get it together.' I should have thrown coffee back at him. Instead, I went home to change clothes and post my resume.”
”I heard a rumor about that.” Ben's unprofessional behavior is legendary. ”I swear I didn't know it was you. Things must really be tough out there if you were willing to come back here.”
”You don't know the half of it.”
”G.o.d, I'm so sorry. Take care, and if you need a reference? Call me.”
Before I even hang up the phone, Fletch is by my side. ”No luck?”
”What are we going to do? A minute ago I was elated because I thought that job was mine. Now I'm scared to death because no one in this household has an income. How are we going to pay for this place? How are we going to keep up with our bills? How am I ever going to get my hair colored again?” I begin to pace and wring my hands.
”You know what we should do right now?” Fletch asks.
”Pray? Cry? Move back to Indiana so I can work at Hardee's, as my brother keeps helpfully suggesting?”
”No. We're going to the Four Seasons.”
”Are you insane?”
”I say we celebrate the end of the dot-com era by going out with a bang. Our days of posing at their bar are over, so why not celebrate with a couple of $15 martinis?”
”You are insane.”
Brief silence.
”And I'll be ready in ten minutes.”
Four Seasons esss DELICIOUSSS Jack Frost marteeenneees pepperminty chocolaty.... 100 percent YUMMM! Pooor buthaaaaappppeee!! Fletchhhss is SCHMARTEST MOST HANDDSUM MAN ALIVE even wiscch his pancake b.u.t.t. Mmmm...pancakes! Sommebuddy buuuy me pancakes? Pleeeeease?
Drunkety. Most, most exccccelent drunkety.109 ”Jen, it's a simple favor,” Fletch says.
”But I don't want to,” I reply.
”Come on, it'll be easy. And you'll get to drive the Cadillac.”
”I can drive the Caddy anytime I want.”
”But you never have anywhere to go.”
”So? I can still use it to take the dogs to the park.”
”Last time you drove them it took a week to scrub all the mud off the seats. Admit it. There's no good reason not to do this for Carol.”
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