Part 16 (2/2)
”You sure?”
”Sweetie, think about how many episodes of COPS we've watched together. Technically you could have me arrested for felony a.s.sault. Granted, we were in a luxury suite and not a trailer, and you were wearing a dinner jacket and not jeans without a s.h.i.+rt, but the concept is the same.”
He considers this for so long, I start contemplating my life behind bars. On the one hand, I'm a delicate flower who'd wilt without access to a hairdryer and MTV. On the other, I bet I'd be Queen of the Prison in no time. Although I'd eschew those awful jail tattoos, I could see my way to allowing the other inmates to give me a flattering but powerful nickname. I'm thinking ”Her Majesty” might be nice-I can already picture the other inmates bowing before me to kiss my ring while I dole out cigarettes and favors- ”Agreed.”
Perhaps avoiding jail is for the best. We exchange our first marital kiss sans audience and settle in to our respective sides of the bed to sleep.
”Hey, I have a good idea. When we look back on our wedding day, why don't we just blame everything on my mother?”
My mom shows up at noon while I'm drinking coffee and recounting wedding loot. I'd expected to become rich, but I guess when you only invite a handful of people you only get a handful of gifts. b.u.mmer. However, I am the proud owner of a Cadillac and now am allowed-nay, obligated-to start bugging my single friends about when they're ”going to settle down already.”104 ”I thought you'd want some of the centerpieces,” Mom says, nudging her way into the room. Bulls.h.i.+t. She's here to get the dirt on last night. She settles into the suite's sofa and kicks up her feet. ”We missed you at breakfast.” I am SO not buying her faux-casual att.i.tude.
”I told you from the get-go I wasn't attending a nine a.m. brunch the day after my wedding.”
”Everyone had a wonderful time. My sisters said it was one of the best weddings they've ever attended.”
”I'm glad.”
”The whole family is going home today. Todd left for the airport a few minutes ago.” She toys with an obscenely large calla lily on my bouquet until she can't contain herself anymore. Wait for it.... Wait for it.... ”So where's your husband?”
”Showering.”
”Are you getting a divorce?”
”Don't be ridiculous.”
”Then are you going to share what happened with me?”
”Mom, I already told you it's none of your business, and I'd appreciate it if you respected my privacy.”
”But Todd said-”
”I don't care what Todd said. Everything is fine. Don't waste one minute worrying about us. This isn't the first sc.r.a.p we've had, and it won't be the last. But we're generally pretty good about communicating, and when things boil up, they pa.s.s quickly. Now we're cool like Fonzie, OK?”
”I'm glad to hear it.” By the way she's fidgeting, I can tell she's not satisfied with my explanation, but she wisely drops the subject anyway. ”What's on our itinerary today?”
”When Fletch is done, we're going to the photography office to look at our proofs.”
”The pictures are done already?”
”Mom, this is Vegas.”
”I'll come with you.”
”Buzzzzzt, wrong answer.”
”But I want to see them!”
”Today is the first day of my honeymoon and I am spending it alone with my husband-meaning without you. I'll run the photos by your room later.”
”Then where are we having dinner tonight?”
”Mom, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but the mother-daughter togetherness part of this trip is over. Fletch and I are having dinner in the Foundation Room at the House of Blues. Alone. It's supposed to be all funky and rock and roll and I'm sure you wouldn't like it.”105 She pouts. ”Well, you certainly don't seem very grateful after-”
”I told you I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for us. You truly gave us everything we'd want in a wedding, and we're incredibly grateful. And as soon as I start working, I'll start paying you back.”
”Jennifer, that's not necessary.”
”I want to. But my point is, as thankful as we are, it IS the first day of our new lives together, and we want time alone. And stop smirking, I don't mean that in a naked sense because I will DIE before I ever discuss s.e.x with you. Think about it-would you have wanted Noni and Grampa tagging along on your honeymoon?”
”I guess it would have been awkward having my parents there the first time your father and I-”
”Shh, stop, too much information. Say any more and I'll have to wash my brain with vodka. Why don't you go have a nice day with Dad? That is, if he isn't still hiding from you.”
”He did mention wanting to see the Hoover Dam.”
”Sounds like a plan. I'll see you later,” I say, shooing her toward the door. When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes.
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