Part 8 (2/2)
”Agreed. All righty, see you later!” I head toward the door.
”Hey, Jen, wait a sec. I just thought of something.... You did clear all of this with our landlord first, right?”
Oh, s.h.i.+t.
Apparently the gentleman in the paint department really was trying to help me and not just smell my hair. Perhaps if I'd listened to him and bought the deep-base primer, I wouldn't be on my twenty-seventh layer of Starry, Starry Night blue paint. Every day I put another coat on these G.o.dforsaken walls, and I can still see the light bits of the drywall peeking through. Do you have any idea the havoc this has wrought on my manicure? Fortunately yesterday's interview was a waste of time, or I'd really have been embarra.s.sed by the giant splotch on my arm when we shook hands.
Everything started out fine-we laughed about the paint smudge, the office was pleasant, my suit was divine,55 and the product seemed OK. Although I wasn't thrilled at the prospect of selling phone book advertising, our landlord has a similar job, and she owns expensive real estate all over the city, so it must be lucrative.
Prior to meeting, we had a lovely phone interview, so I felt at ease as we spoke. Bob, the recruiter, flipped through a laminated chart while thoroughly explaining the position's responsibilities. ”If you don't have any more questions about the sales process, I'd like to discuss salary,” Bob said.
”Sounds good,” I said, smiling. I wowed him, no doubt. This job was mine. Come on...big money, big money, no whammies!
”The base salary is $40,000,” he said as my smile faded. ”But you only receive that amount while you're in the two-week training process.”
”And then it goes up,” I stated confidently.
”Um, actually, no. The base is still $40,000, but you only get a portion of it after you complete the training course.”
”What portion?”
He hesitated before answering, ”$16,000.”
”So the base is really $16,000.”
”No, no, the base is considered $40,000 because that's the figure you'd report on a salary history.”
”But you receive $16,000 per year once you're done with training?” I wasn't trying to be argumentative. I honestly didn't understand because surely in America you can't pay an experienced professional with a college degree $16,000. I figured I was missing something.
”Correct.”
”Then why wouldn't you say the base is $16,000 but you get extra money during training?”
Bob sat quietly for a moment. I seem to have confused us both. ”Listen, this is how we break out salaries around here. No one actually receives their full base salary. It's offset by commission.”
”If the number you say the base salary is has no relevance to what employees put in their wallets, why not make them feel really important and tell them their base is $100,000?” I suggested. I noticed Bob's furrowed brow and white lips, so I decided to change the subject. ”Um, maybe we should talk about commission.”
”Yes, commission,” Bob said, visibly relieved to have escaped our logical loop. ”The thing about commission is you won't get any until you complete the probationary period.”
”Which is how long?”
”Six months. But after six months, your income potential is practically unlimited.”
I bit down on my tongue so hard I tasted blood. Yes, the initial salary is pathetic, I thought, but there must be more to the story because my landlord is loaded. They've got to include really fantastic benefits like an unlimited entertainment budget. ”How do you handle the cost of taking out clients?”
”We give our account executives a company credit card for entertainment purposes after they complete the six months, but before then, we do not reimburse.”
”I see.” I was trying really hard to maintain my cool. ”All right, so I understand the team meets in the office at eight a.m. and five p.m. daily. Do you provide a parking pa.s.s, or do people just turn in receipts?”
”You don't get reimbursed for expenses until you're off probation.”
”Which means I'd pay $30 in parking fees on a daily basis.” I quickly crunched the numbers in my head. ”You realize that's almost $4000 out of pocket, don't you?” Funny how I can never do math unless it directly impacts my pocketbook.56 ”You-you can write the amount off on your taxes,” Bob stuttered.
”How about medical insurance and 401(k)? Surely not another six-month wait?”
”Unfortunately, yes, because-”
”Bob, exactly what led you to believe I'd buy your bait and switch? What made you think, 'Hey, this girl is a sucker'? Can you please help me understand what prompted you to waste my afternoon for a job which shakes out to approximately $1000 per month, or $250 per week, before taxes and without benefits? Bob, I'd really like to know so that I can remove that section from my resume.”
”As I stated earlier, you have the opportunity to earn big money after the probationary period.”
”Unfortunately, I cannot spend the next six months living on a salary below the national poverty line. I don't see how anyone could.”
”You'd be surprised how many people take this job,” snapped Bob.
”Well, I won't be one of them. Thanks for your time, Bob, but if you'll excuse me, I have a bathroom to paint.”
I can remember when the phone used to ring with fabulous job offers. And now...not so much.
Ring, ring, ring...
”Mr. Banfield, I'm sure death is a growth industry.... Uh-huh, I understand.... Regardless, I just can't see myself selling funeral services.... No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning.... I appreciate your contacting me, and I wish you the best of luck with your search.”
Ring, ring, ring...
”Jack, I don't think you're hearing me. I guess I need to be more direct. How about this? I'd rather sear my own eyes out with burning hot coals than sell life insurance door to door.... No, I'm not willing to consider accidental death and dismemberment insurance, either.... OK, then, thanks for calling.”
Ring, ring, ring...
”Yes, Wally, it does sound like a 'h.e.l.la good' opportunity, and I'm flattered you thought of me.... The problem is, I have no plans to move to Tunica County, Mississippi, in the near future.... Um, no, I guess I wasn't aware of the thriving casino boat industry down there.... No, no, that doesn't sway my decision.... Nope, not even if you throw in free pa.s.ses to the buffet.... Aren't you sweet? I hope you keep rollin' sevens, too.”
My parents arrived this afternoon because they're flying to Hawaii from O'Hare airport first thing tomorrow morning. We're up on the deck enjoying the setting sun and mild October temperatures.
”I can't believe you guys are flying already,” I say.
”Pfft,” my mother replies. ”I'm not letting a bunch of kooks ruin my trip.” Of course. America wasn't hit on 9/11 because of radical Islamo-fascist ideology; we were attacked specifically to mess up my mother's vacation plans. Fortunately, she refuses to let the terrorists win.
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