Part 1 (1/2)

Bitter Is the New Black.

Confessions of a condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered Smart-a.s.s, or why you should never carry a Prada Bag to the unemployment office.

A MEMOIR.

Jen Lancaster.

for my mom despite and because (but mostly because).

for kate who makes the impossible anything but.

for auntie virginia and cousin stephen, my style icon and the man who invented fun and for fletchthanks for doing all the heavy lifting (with love and squalor).

AUTHOR'S NOTE.

This boutique-to-barrio tale is a modern Greek tragedy, as defined by Roger Dunkle in The Cla.s.sical Origins of Western Culture: a story in which ”the central character, called a tragic protagonist or hero, suffers some serious misfortune which is not accidental, and therefore meaningless, but is significant in that the misfortune is logically connected.”

In other words? The b.i.t.c.h had it coming.

And I am that b.i.t.c.h.

Bitter Is the New Black is my story.

Although this memoir is based on real events in my life, I've taken a few liberties for the purpose of moving the story forward. In some cases names and places have been altered, characters combined, time compressed, and events taken out of sequence.

Regardless of these changes, I a.s.sure you, yes, I really was that bad.

First she was a seed, and then she was trouble.

-TODD LANCASTER, DECEMBER 25, 1970.

I do much better as a G.o.ddess, she said, since my secretarial skills have always been limited.

-BRIAN ANDREAS, IN TRUSTING SOUL.

PROLOGUE.

LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

April 7, 1977.

Dear Mrs. Lancaster:.

Jennifer is one of the brightest and most articulate students in the fourth grade and a pleasure to have in my cla.s.s. However, an incident today concerns me. During recess, I heard her remark to another student, ”I can make Stacey Coopersmith do anything I want.”

I wanted to tell you, as I am sure you want to keep that kind of behavior in check.

Sincerely, Mrs. C---.

THE CAMPUS.

Student Newspaper.

3/15/84.

Jeni-.

Pls. see me re. Page One's budget for next week's issue. Although your proposed layout looks great, I'm not sure the headline for the Spring Break story should be Jeni to Vacation in Europe. As well, the story may be more interesting if you actually include a broad range of other students' plans, and not just your own.

Thx, C. H---.

VIKINGS RADIO.