Part 64 (1/2)

He let me go. I stood in front of the mirror looking shamefully at my reflection. I wondered if there were cameras in the newly remodeled shower. What the h.e.l.l was I doing? What in the world was I thinking? I stayed in the hot shower for as long as I could, trying to wash away my shame. It didn't work.

Drew was gone when I came out. I walked around the beautiful transformed room and then back to the baby's room. I took in every little detail. He had really gone above and beyond. The room was a mother's dream room.

I sat in the gliding rocking chair and imagined myself holding my son as I rocked back and forth. I hadn't even realized that I had fallen asleep until Drew woke me for supper.

I opened my eyes to sweet kisses on my eyelids and then my lips. I smiled. One minute I hated this man and the next, I couldn't get enough of him. I wished there was a magic pill, a pill that would miraculously guide me in the right direction.

”You're the most beautiful mother to be on earth,”

he whispered.

”I fell asleep, didn't I?”

”You did. I like the idea of you falling asleep rocking my son.”

”I was rocking him, wasn't I?” I smiled, realizing that I was indeed rocking my son. I couldn't say our son. I didn't know whose son I was rocking. I didn't know if I was rocking Brady Aaron Bade or Nicholas Andrew Kelly. I wasn't sure that I could keep this up for three more months. I wished I knew.

”Are you hungry,” Drew asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

”I'm always hungry,” I a.s.sured him.

I spent four days being in total love with my

husband. We laughed, went for walks, watched a football game at the nearby high school, made love countless times, and fell asleep naked in each other's arms. I talked to Dawson every day and he never suspected a thing. I was supposed to stay for two more days, but Drew had to fly to New York. He begged me to go with him, but I didn't. I didn't want to be stuck in a hotel while he was out taking care of business. We made plans to meet at my mother's in two weeks.

I spent the last night wrapped in his arms, dreading the thought of leaving him. Two weeks seemed like so far away. I drifted off to sleep after making love for the last time. I slept so soundly. I didn't even know that I was dreaming. When I finally realized what was going on Drew had me in his arms, trying to wake me.

”Shhhh, you're okay, I've got you,” he said, brus.h.i.+ng my damp hair from my forehead.

”Dawson?” I whimpered, still incoherent. I felt him stiffen and then move off the bed.

s.h.i.+t. It wasn't Dawson.

”Drew?” I said to his dark silhouette.

He sat on the side of the bed and placed his head in his hands. I touched his arm, and he took my hand and brought it to his lips.

”You feel protected with him, don't you?”

What? What the h.e.l.l did I say?

”I feel protected with you too,” I tried.

”No, you don't. You have no idea how it makes me feel when you wake up like that.”

”What did I say?”

He shook his head and breathed a deep breath.

”Tell me, Drew,” I demanded.

”You were begging me not to hit you again. You were promising not to be a bad girl and telling me that you would do what I wanted” he confessed.

s.h.i.+t. Stupid nightmares.

”Drew, don't, it's okay.”

He jumped up. ”It's not okay, Morgan! I don't deserve you. I don't deserve this baby. You don't deserve me. You deserve someone like Dawson, someone that is going to respect and take care of you.”

”You know what, Drew? You are absolutely right,” I was getting angry with him. I didn't want him to act like this when I knew that he was leaving me in a couple of hours. His head snapped toward me. ”You don't want me to bring up the past, then you're not allowed to either. I love you, d.a.m.nit. I wouldn't be here if I didn't.”

”Why?”

”I have no idea why. I have asked myself that same question a million times. I love you and I don't want to lose you.”

”But you don't want to lose Dawson either, right?”

he asked, coming back to me. I didn't want to lose Dawson. I loved him too. He was my safety net.

I didn't answer. I couldn't answer him. I didn't know what to say. Nothing I could have said would have made any sense, not to him and not to me. I needed them both.

”You need to decide, Morgan. If you don't want me, then tell me. Stop keeping me at bay. Either be with me or don't. I can't wait any longer. I have tried my best to give you time. I've given you almost six months. You have to choose, Morgan.”

I knew I had to choose. I didn't want to choose. I wanted to keep them both in my life until I figured out who this baby's dad was. Drew would never understand that.

Dawson would never understand that. No matter what I decided, someone was going to get hurt. Why didn't I just do the stupid paternity test?

”I can't give you an answer right this second, Drew,” I said. I couldn't. I knew that as soon as I was back in Dawson's arms, I would be right back to thinking I needed him as much as I was feeling like I needed Drew when I was with him.

Drew lay back down and pulled me in his arms with a heavy sigh.

”I love you, Morgan,” he whispered.

”I love you too, Drew. I really do.”

Drew was gone when I woke. I knew he had to leave before daylight. I didn't like it. I felt alone, sad, hurt, confused. I wanted him back. I wanted to be everywhere he was. I wanted Drew. I decided right that moment that I wanted Drew.

I walked up to our new master bedroom again before showering and getting ready to head back home to Maine, to Dawson. I smiled when I opened the baby's room. I thumbed through the tiny infant clothing and wondered if Drew had picked them out. There was no way that he would ever wear all of them. There were at least twenty little sleepers. I picked up the tiny little tuxedo and smiled at the embroidery that read 'Daddy's little a.s.sistant.'

”Oh, Drew what am I going to do?” I said out loud to the empty room.

I smiled again when I read Drew's text.

”You could start with coming home to me.”