Part 28 (1/2)

”No-my saving it! I can't”-he waved around helplessly, at Vorkosigan House, at his whole situation-”go on like this. I'm all out of balance here, I'm all wrong.”

”Balance will come to you, in time. It's just too soon,” she said earnestly. ”You're still very new.”

”I have to go back. I have to try to undo what I did. If I can.”

”And if you can't, what will you do then?” asked Bothari-Jesek coldly. ”Take off, with a nice head start?”

Had the woman read his mind? Mark's shoulders bowed with the weight of her scorn. And his doubt. ”I,” he breathed, ”don't . . .” know. know. He could not finish the sentence aloud. He could not finish the sentence aloud.

The Countess laced her long fingers. ”I don't doubt your heart,” she said, looking at him steadily.

h.e.l.l, and she could break that heart more thoroughly with her trust than Illyan ever could with his suspicion. He crouched in his seat.

”But-you are my second chance. My new hope, all unlooked-for. I never thought I could have another child, on Barrayar. Now Jackson's Whole has eaten Miles, and you want to go down there after him? You, too?”

”Ma'am,” he said desperately, ”Mother-I cannot be your consolation prize.”

She crossed her arms, and rested her chin in one hand, cupped over her mouth. Her eyes were grey as a winter sea.

”You of all people, have to see,” Mark pleaded, ”how important a second chance can be.”

She pushed back her chair, and stood up. ”I'll . . . have to think about this.” She exited the little dining room. She'd left half her meal on her plate, Mark saw with dismay.

Bothari-Jesek saw it too. ”Good job,” she snarled.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. . . .

She rose to run after the Countess.

Mark sat, abandoned and alone. And, blindly and half-consciously, proceeded to eat himself sick. He stumbled up to his room's level by the lift tube, afterward, and lay wis.h.i.+ng for sleep more than for breath. Neither came to him.

After an interminable time his stunned headache and hot abdominal pain were just starting to recede, when there came a knock on his door. He rolled over with a m.u.f.fled groan. ”Who is it?”

”Elena.”

He keyed on the light, and sat up in bed against the carved headboard, stuffing a pillow under his spine against some killer solid walnut acanthus leaves in high relief. He didn't want to talk to Bothari-Jesek. Or to any other human being. He refastened his s.h.i.+rt as loosely as it would go. ”Enter,” he muttered.

She came cautiously around the doorframe, her face serious and pale. ”h.e.l.lo. Are you feeling all right?”

”No,” he admitted.

”I came to apologize,” she said.

”You? Apologize to me? Why?”

”The Countess told me . . . something of what was going on with you. I'm sorry. I didn't understand.”

He'd been dissected again, in absentia. in absentia. He could tell by the horrified way Bothari-Jesek was looking at him, as if his swollen belly was laid open and spread wide in an autopsy with a cut from He could tell by the horrified way Bothari-Jesek was looking at him, as if his swollen belly was laid open and spread wide in an autopsy with a cut from here here to to there. there. ”Aw, h.e.l.l. What did she say now?” He struggled, with difficulty, to sit up straighter. ”Aw, h.e.l.l. What did she say now?” He struggled, with difficulty, to sit up straighter.

”Miles had talked around it. But I hadn't understood how bad it really was. The Countess told me exactly. What Galen did to you. The shock-stick rape, and the, um, eating disorders. And the other disorder.” She kept her eyes away from his body, onto his face, a dead give-away of the unwelcome depth of her new knowledge. She and the Countess must have been talking for two hours. ”And it was all so deliberately calculated. calculated. That was the most diabolical part.” That was the most diabolical part.”

”I'm not so sure about the shock-stick incident being calculated,” Mark said carefully. ”Galen seemed out of his head, to me. Over the top. n.o.body's that good an actor. Or maybe it started out calculated, and got out of hand.” And then burst out, helplessly, ”Dammit!” ”Dammit!” Bothari-Jesek jumped a foot in the air. ”She has no Bothari-Jesek jumped a foot in the air. ”She has no right right to talk about that with you! Or with anybody! What the h.e.l.l am I, the best show in town?” to talk about that with you! Or with anybody! What the h.e.l.l am I, the best show in town?”

”No, no,” Bothari-Jesek opened her hands. ”You have to understand. I told her about Maree, that little blonde clone we found you with. What I thought was going on. I accused you to the Countess.”

He froze, flushed with shame, and a new dismay. ”I didn't realize you hadn't told her at the first.” Was everything he thought he'd built with the Countess on a rotten foundation, collapsing now in ruins?

”She wanted you for a son so badly, I couldn't bring myself to. But I was so furious with you tonight, I blurted it all out.”

”And then what happened?”

Bothari-Jesek shook her head in wonderment. ”She's so Betan. She's so strange. She's never where you think she is, mentally. She wasn't the least surprised. And then she explained it all to me-I felt like my head was being turned inside out, and given a good wash-and-brush.”

He almost laughed. ”That sounds like a typical conversation with the Countess.” His choking fear began to recede. She doesn't despise me . . . ? She doesn't despise me . . . ?

”I was wrong about you,” Bothari-Jesek said st.u.r.dily.

His hands spread in exasperation. ”It's nice to know I have such a defender, but you weren't wrong. What you thought was exactly what was was going on. I would have if I could have,” he said bitterly. ”It wasn't my virtue that stopped me, it was my high-voltage conditioning.” going on. I would have if I could have,” he said bitterly. ”It wasn't my virtue that stopped me, it was my high-voltage conditioning.”

”Oh, I don't mean wrong about the facts. But I was projecting a lot of my own anger, into the way I was explaining you to myself. I had no idea how much you were a product of systematic torture. And how incredibly you resisted. I think I would have gone catatonic, in your place.”

”It wasn't that bad all all the time,” he said uncomfortably. the time,” he said uncomfortably.

”But you have to understand,” she repeated doggedly, ”what was going on with me. me. About my father.” About my father.”

”Huh?” He felt as if his head had just been given a sharp half-twist to the left. ”I know what my father has to do with this, why the h.e.l.l is yours in on it?”

She walked around the room. Working up to something. When she did speak, it came out all in a rush. ”My father raped my mother. That's where I came from, during the Barrayaran invasion of Escobar. I've known for some years. It's made me allergically sensitive on the subject. I can't stand it,” her hands clenched, ”yet it's in in me. I can't escape it. It made it very hard for me to see you clearly. I feel like I've been looking at you through a fog for the last ten weeks. The Countess has dispelled it.” Indeed, her eyes did not freeze him any more. ”The Count helped me too, more than I can say.” me. I can't escape it. It made it very hard for me to see you clearly. I feel like I've been looking at you through a fog for the last ten weeks. The Countess has dispelled it.” Indeed, her eyes did not freeze him any more. ”The Count helped me too, more than I can say.”

”Oh.” What was he to say? So, it hadn't been just him they'd been talking about for the past two hours. There was clearly more to her story, but he he sure wasn't going to ask. For once, it wasn't his place to apologize. ”I'm . . . not sorry you exist. However you got here.” sure wasn't going to ask. For once, it wasn't his place to apologize. ”I'm . . . not sorry you exist. However you got here.”

She smiled, crookedly. ”Actually, neither am I.”

He felt very strange. His fury at the violation of his privacy was fading, to be replaced by a light-heartedness that astonished him. He was greatly relieved, to be unburdened of his secrets. His dread was shrunken, as if giving it away had literally diminished it. I swear if I tell four more people, I'll be altogether free. I swear if I tell four more people, I'll be altogether free.

He swung his legs out of the bed, grabbed her by the hand, led her to a wooden chair beside his window, climbed up and stood on it, and kissed her. ”Thank you!”

She looked quite startled. ”What for?” she asked on the breath of a laugh. Firmly, she repossessed her hand.

”For existing. For letting me live. I I don't know.” He grinned, exhilarated, but the grin faded in dizziness, and he climbed down more carefully, and sat. don't know.” He grinned, exhilarated, but the grin faded in dizziness, and he climbed down more carefully, and sat.

She stared down at him, and bit her lip. ”Why do you do that to yourself?”

No use to pretend he didn't know what that that was, the physical manifestations of his compulsive gorge were obvious enough. He felt monstrous. He swiped a hand over his sweaty face. ”I don't know. I do think, half of what we call madness is just some poor slob dealing with pain by a strategy that annoys the people around him.” was, the physical manifestations of his compulsive gorge were obvious enough. He felt monstrous. He swiped a hand over his sweaty face. ”I don't know. I do think, half of what we call madness is just some poor slob dealing with pain by a strategy that annoys the people around him.”

”How is it dealing with pain to give yourself more pain?” she asked plaintively.

He half-smiled, hands on his knees, staring at the floor. ”There is a kind of riveting fascination to it. Takes your mind off the real thing. Consider what a toothache does to your attention span.”

She shook her head. ”I'd rather not, thank you.”