Part 11 (1/2)
”This is what I missed the most,” I murmur. ”Josh and I used to sneak out at night and come out here to lie in the gra.s.s and watch the stars. Of course,”-I laugh and take her hand in mine, linking our fingers-”Mom knew. She just didn't mind that we were sneaking out to look at stars rather than get in trouble.”
”Yeah, sounds like you were real party animals.”
”That came a bit later.”
”Oh my G.o.d, Zack, look!” She points to the left, where the mountains loom in the darkness, and I see it too. ”Are those the northern lights?”
”Looks like we're gonna get a light show.” We watch raptly while green and blue streaks fill the sky above the mountain. ”Amazing. I've never seen them before.”
”Never?” she asks. I glance over at her. Her eyes are wide with wonder as the colorful lights fill the sky.
”What did you miss the most?” I ask her.
”Cara.”
I nod and we lie silently for a long while, watching the night sky give us the best show around.
”Why did you stay away for so long?” she asks softly without looking at me. I didn't plan on this being the time when we'd share our secrets, but it's appropriate. Montana is coming to life around us, and this is the most honest, calm moment of my life.
”War sucked a.s.s,” I begin and point to another shooting star. ”But living with Kensie was worse.” Her hand tightens in mine, but otherwise there is no indication that she's uncomfortable, so I continue. ”We got pregnant too young. Way too f.u.c.king young. It was a mistake, but I was taught to take care of my responsibilities, so I did. Married her. But with a wife and kid on the way, there was no way I could do college. The army was the best thing for all of us. So we left.”
I take a deep breath and let the memories come, wis.h.i.+ng it were different.
”It was never good. Kensie is a selfish mess. She was never a touchy-feely mom, and I knew that, but she met Seth's needs. He was just barely in school when I began the deployments, and when I came home on leave, he was always clean and happy.”
”What happened?” she asks.
”I don't know for sure. I suspected for a while that Kensie was f.u.c.king around behind my back. I hadn't slept with her in years, even when I was home on leave, and that was on purpose. I couldn't stand her. I think that she saw that Seth was getting older, and able to fend for himself, so she left him to do just that. The kid can cook better than I can.”
”But?”
G.o.d, I don't want to talk about this part.
I clear my throat and avoid her eyes when she turns on her side, watching my face.
”Zack?”
”I think she let the f.u.c.kers hurt him. Smack him around.” I cover my face with my hands and struggle to breathe.
”How do you know?” she asks softly.
”He mentioned it a few times after he started working with Cara, so I put him in counseling.”
”He's doing so great, Zack. He's happy and coming out of his sh.e.l.l.”
”I know. Thank G.o.d. But how could I have left him with her for so long . . .”
”You didn't know.”
”I knew she was a selfish b.i.t.c.h.”
”You didn't know that she'd allow something so horrible to happen to your son. You don't have to be touchy-feely to be a decent human being, Zack. I'm just thankful that she doesn't have anything more to do with either of you.”
”You and me both.” I let out the breath I've been holding and kiss her forehead. We settle back on the blanket, watching the sky erupt in red, orange, and blue. ”You really need to think about whether or not you want to be involved with me and all of my baggage, sugar. 'Cause I have quite a lot of it.”
”Who doesn't?” she scoffs.
”You don't seem to.”
She erupts in laughter. ”I've learned to cope, Zack. So is this what we're doing? Spilling our guts?”
”I spilled some of mine. Maybe not all.”
She nods and thinks about it for a minute, then begins in a soft voice.
”My dad beat the s.h.i.+t out of my mom my whole life, and when Ty was away at college, he almost killed her.”
Rage boils up from my gut and my hands curl into fists. Ty is one of my oldest friends, so of course I knew some of what happened when he came home after graduation, but to hear it come from her lips, so matter-of-fact, it p.i.s.ses me off all over again.
”Seeing Lauren in the hospital after Jack attacked her brought a lot of that baggage to the surface for me. I've had a few bad nights.”
”I'm sorry, baby. I wish I'd known.”
”I don't think I was ready for you yet,” she admits. ”And there's more. It's a long story, but the gist of it is, my ex-husband was a cheating b.a.s.t.a.r.d. He couldn't keep it in his pants, and I realize now that that wasn't my fault. But one thing you should know is . . .”
She pauses and bites her lip and then glances over at me with scared eyes.
”What?”
”I can't ever have babies, Zack. I can't get pregnant. We tried for years, worked with doctors, and it's just not ever going to happen.”
The grief in her voice is my undoing. I pull her into my arms and kiss her head. ”I'm sorry. Are you okay?”
”I'm healthy,” she confirms. ”There's no medical reason for it, it just is. So if you want to run, now might be the right time to do it.”
”Stop.” I pull back to look her in the eye. ”We are going to take this one day at a time, sugar. See where it goes. I haven't really given having more kids much thought. Seth is awesome, and a handful. I just want to enjoy you, continue spending time with you.” I lean in to whisper in her ear. ”Be inside you as often as humanly possible.”
She giggles and kisses my cheek.
”We'll figure the rest out.”
”Okay.”