Part 10 (2/2)
'I suppose I am a little misunderstood,' said Nietzsche, sounding rueful. 'It's just girls. The truth is, they terrify me.'
'Of course they do. Everyone's scared of girls. Even other girls.'
'Even you?'
'Oh, yes. Even someone as das.h.i.+ng and debonair as myself has relations.h.i.+p difficulties.' The Pirate Captain took his wallet from his pocket and pulled out a battered photograph.
'There. That's the woman in my life,' he said wistfully.
'This is a picture of the sea,' said Nietzsche.
'Yes, and between you and me she's a nightmare. Wobbly. All over the place. Always making me ill.' The Pirate Captain grinned. 'But I love her nonetheless.'
31 Polar bear liver contains so much vitamin A that it can be fatal if eaten by a human. Not that you should be eating polar bears anyhow.
32 Though, due to its crystalline structure, tin can emit a high-pitched squeak when you bend it, known as 'tin cry'.
33 Believe it or not, the Daily Mail wasn't always the enlightened bastion of reasoned debate that it is today. In 1934 the paper even printed an article about Oswald Mosley's blacks.h.i.+rts ent.i.tled 'Hurrah for Fascists!'.
34 In 1882 Nietzsche arranged for a photograph with his friend Paul Ree, pretending to be oxen pulling a cart containing Lou Salome, who is whipping them. This bizarre attempt at romance failed, as Nietzsche later proposed to Salome and was turned down.
Thirteen.
MURDER AMONGST THE MOLLUSCS.
Marx, Engels and Nietzsche had all come down to the banks of the Seine to see the pirates off.
'I'm sorry you won't reconsider things,' said Marx, warmly clasping the Captain's hand. 'You still have so much to offer the world of philosophical thought.'
'That's true,' said the Pirate Captain. 'But the trouble with this philosophy lark is that it involves a lot of introspection. And the thing I'm probably proudest of is my near total lack of self-awareness. It's what makes me the man I am.'
'Well, look after yourself. Now that this little scallywag' Marx gave Nietzsche a friendly wink 'isn't causing us mischief, I feel it is only a matter of time before our reputation is restored and Communism really takes off. Especially now I've adopted some of your more pork-orientated ideas.'
'It's all in the type of glaze you use,' said the Captain. 'I honestly can't emphasise that enough.'
'And we'd like to give you this, as a going-away present,' said Engels, handing him a painting. It showed the Pirate Captain looking burly and heroic, stood atop a big red shooting star. The rosy-cheeked peasant girl who seemed to feature in a lot of the communists' paintings was holding on to his leg adoringly.
'Aaarrrr,' said the Pirate Captain, 'I'm touched. It will go very well with my new giant novelty candle.' He nodded towards where a couple of pirates were hefting the wax Queen Victoria onboard the boat. Then he turned towards Nietzsche. 'So then, young man. You'll remember what I've taught you?'
'Yes, Pirate Captain,' replied Nietzsche, looking serious. 'Aloof funny deep. Always in that order.'
'I'm sure the right girl will come along soon,' said Jennifer. She kissed Nietzsche on the cheek, and he turned a bright shade of red, but grinned from ear to ear.
'They're going to kick themselves when they realise that in saving all those crowned heads, they've put back the revolution by about fifty years,' said the pirate with a scarf, as the boat slowly pulled out from the jetty.
'Yes, I think that's what they call the ultimate irony,' said the Pirate Captain. 'Or possibly the penultimate irony. Because in many ways the ultimate irony is the fact that philosophy has lost us our sponsors.h.i.+p deal. It turns out that Perkins' Pomades don't want to be a.s.sociated with' he read from the letter they had received that morning, '” the kind of pirate who ends an adventure with reasoned and sensitive debate rather than multiple eviscerations and/or explosions”. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained, or whatever the appropriate expression is in this instance.'
They turned away from watching Paris fade into the distance and looked instead at the pirates who were playing with the various bits of Nietzsche's gigantic tin suit, which they had brought onboard the boat as a souvenir. At the moment what appeared to be Nietzsche's hand with some stripy pirate legs coming out of the bottom of it was running about trying to catch Nietzsche's elbow, which was getting tangled up in the rigging.
The Captain sighed. 'In a way, don't we all build up an impregnable metal suit around ourselves?' he said wisely. 'Except the suit is made of emotions and neuroses and things, instead of tin, so you can't see it. And it doesn't have light bulbs for eyes. And it's not steam-powered.'
'That's very true,' said the pirate with a scarf, who didn't have the faintest clue what the Pirate Captain was going on about.
And with that, the pirates went downstairs to do some shantying.
Appendix:
The Wit and Wisdom of the Pirate Captain a Major Philosophical Work The Fable of the Pig and the Rooster In the olden days there was a pig and a rooster, but the rooster was quite arrogant. It was this that led to his inevitable downfall.
On the Question of Ethics Most people have a 'moral compa.s.s' an internal sense that tells them whether any given act is the correct one to do. If, say, someone asked you to run over a load of vicars with a train, you'd have a think, check your moral compa.s.s and decide whether or not to do it. You'd need to get hold of a train, of course, but the argument still works.
I've taken this one step further I'm not really one for abstract concepts, because if you think about them for too long your forehead starts to ache from all the frowning. So what I recommend is that you make a real moral compa.s.s out of a paper plate. Just get a pen and draw on some 'compa.s.s points' for example, mine has 'Right', 'Wrong', 'Wrong but feels right', 'Will anybody find out?' and 'Who can say?' In the middle, make a little pointer and fix it with a split pin you can get these from most good stationers. Then when you face a decision, spin the moral compa.s.s and see what your conscience tells you.
On the Matter of Love If you're off to fight in a battle, snap a s.h.i.+p's biscuit in half and give your girlfriend the other half. When you meet again, they will match like two halves of a single soul! Hopefully, this will stop her sleeping with other men.
On the Question of Knowledge Occasionally, you meet a stupid person who tells you something ridiculous like he's bought your book and he can't help thinking he could have written it better himself. You have to ask him how he knows this and he can rarely answer you especially when you've smashed a vase on his face. But it's an interesting question. How can we ever say what we know and don't know? What does it mean to say, 'I know that egg is hard-boiled' or 'I know that there's a pig hidden under that duvet, and I'm not going to tell you scurvy rotters about keeping pigs in your cabins again'?
In my experience, the best way to find out if you really know something is to ask your second-in-command. Second-in-commands remember all kinds of things that you'll have forgotten. If you don't have a second-in-command, then I can't help you.
On the Question of Gravy Stains It is my opinion that the best way to get gravy stains out of cotton or wool is to soak the fabric in vinegar for half an hour and then rinse thoroughly with cold water. If this doesn't work, try burning the gravy off with a match or getting a hungry dog to lick it off.
On the Matter of Kids There is nothing funnier than a child saying something either wise beyond his years or charmingly naive.
On the Existence of G.o.d On the face of it, this seems patently absurd. The modern forward-facing pirate uses reason and logic, and isn't about to accept the existence of a deity without any proof.
Ah! But if there was a G.o.d, that might be exactly how he wants it. He might want to be able to move amongst his creations incognito. To do this, he'd need to choose an occupation that enabled him to travel around easily, something like a door-to-door salesman, or a hobo, or even a pirate. He wouldn't want to show off his all-encompa.s.sing knowledge, so he'd probably deliberately get stuff wrong, like, for example, if he was being asked to explain what various nautical terms meant. Also, bear in mind that in all the paintings you see of G.o.d he has a great big beard. Anyhow, I've already said too much.
On the Matter of Plants Don't throw away empty yoghurt pots they make excellent pots for small plants.
On the Question of Cla.s.sification You can divide the animal kingdom into five different cla.s.ses: Animals: identifiable by their characteristic four legs, animals are probably the most famous creatures available. Meat comes from here.
Sea creatures: includes sharks, crocodiles, whales, barnacles and other fish. Distinguished from animals by being slimy and more suited to parsley sauce.
Sea monsters: the most fearsome cla.s.s, sea monsters vary widely. The common theme is that when you tell people about them, they a.s.sume you are lying. A fascinating fact: zombies are technically in this category, although none of them live in the sea!
Birds: anything with wings. Birds evolved when the earth was still covered in lava and therefore too hot to walk around on.
Fungus: mushrooms, toadstools and athlete's foot. If you go for a walk in the woods and see a fungus, why not eat it? It's a proven scientific fact that a creature that doesn't move can't hurt you.
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