Part 7 (1/2)

Marx called over a waitress and asked for a copy of the day's newspaper. They turned quickly to the 'What's On' section.

The Pirate Captain looked up from the newspaper with a gleam in his eye. Gleams in the Pirate Captain's eye could be mainly split into three groups: gleams caused by his eyeball reflecting some sort of treasure, gleams caused by the unhealthy amount of copper in his diet and gleams caused by his spying an opportunity to put on a disguise.

'Well then,' he said. 'There's only one thing for it. I shall have to disguise myself as a crowned head and use my natural charm to win the confidence of this Wagner chap. It won't be easy. And obviously I'll miss your company as I chomp on those little canapes made from wafer-thin beef. But you know me I don't think twice before putting myself in the path of danger by talking to sultry princesses about court gossip.'

The pirates all marvelled at the sacrifices that their Captain was willing to make. They made a collective mental note to describe him as 'magnanimous' in the future.

'Pirate Captain,' said Marx, 'I feel responsible for putting you in this position. I'm coming with you.'

'Yes, why not? You can be my butler. And Jennifer can be a lady-in-waiting. It's important to show I've got a staff.'

'Can't I be another crowned head?' said Marx, with a bit of a pout. 'I'm not being a butler. Butlering goes against all my principles.'

'Oh, this sort of thing happens on all our adventures,' replied the Captain, grinning again. 'You say something like ”I'd rather die than wear that butler suit”, and before you know it, we're being announced in the ballroom of this opera house with you in a butler suit.'

'There's no way you're getting me in that butler suit,' said Marx.

Nine.

THE SPOON-WORM FURY.

'His Royal Imperial Excellency the Crowned Head of Bootyopia,' announced a statuesque blonde. 'And his elderly butler, Carruthers.'

The Pirate Captain smiled a dazzling smile at the a.s.sorted crowned heads who were milling about at the opera's champagne reception. He waved a little flag that he'd designed himself and puffed out his chest to show off the six rows of gleaming medals he had pinned to his coat. The pirate with long legs had suggested that he should go a bit easier on the latter, but the Pirate Captain said that he didn't want some other crowned head outdoing him on the medal front.

'I can't believe I'm wearing this butler suit,' said Marx.

'It looks very fetching,' said Jennifer encouragingly, doing a little curtsey to a pa.s.sing prince.

The Pirate Captain waved regally, then chanced a few winks and a bit of pointing to show how at ease he was in such exalted company. The room was a throng of blue-blooded lubbers from all across Europe. Most of the conversation seemed to be about the difficulties of running a big castle, how fun it was riding about in gold carriages and how good congenital blood diseases were.

'h.e.l.lo, I don't think I've met you,' said a cheerful-looking crowned head, bounding up to the Captain. It said 'Poland' on his sash. 'Bootyopia. Where is that exactly? Is it one of those Baltic ones? Or is it in the middle where all those mountains are?'

'Yes, that's it. Around those parts,' said the Pirate Captain vaguely.

'Unusual name, Bootyopia.'

'It's like Ethiopia, but with ”Booty” rather than ”Ethi”,' the Captain explained. 'It's named after the fact that we have more treasure per capita than any other country.'

'I like your flag.'

'You see.' The Pirate Captain shot Marx a triumphant look. 'My butler has been saying it's too cluttered.'

'Oh, no, not at all,' said Poland. 'I especially like the lamb jumping over the boat. Do you actually have lambs that size in Bootyopia, or is it some sort of metaphor?'26 'They're actually that big. You get the most amazing chops out of them.'

'Incredible. We only have normal-sized lambs, although we do have a lot of meat in our diet. That's why we're so heavy compared to other people,' said Poland. 'Do you export them? The lambs?'

'No, mostly we're famous for the export of our beards and our women. We're said to have the glossiest beards and women in the whole of Europe. Have you seen my medals? I've got twenty-eight.' The Pirate Captain pointed to his medals.

'Oh, yes. Very nice. I've got twenty-three,' said Poland.

'This one is for fighting. This one is for fighting too. This one is for when Bootyopia won the Eurovision Song Contest. And this one is actually for when I won ”Best In Breed” at Crufts. Heads up! Canapes.'27 'So,' said Engels, looking at the salon's clock and helping himself to another croissant, 'do you think they'll need rescuing yet?'

The pirate with a scarf shrugged. 'I tend to give the Captain at least an hour to get himself into trouble. Maybe a bit longer if he's got Jennifer with him.'

'Really? That's pretty good. I usually only give Marx about twenty minutes.'

They both watched a couple of pirates who were sat in the corner seeing if they could fit an entire copy of Voltaire's Dictionnaire philosophique in their mouths.

'I'm sure they'll be fine. Though the Pirate Captain does have a bit of a tendency to forget what he was in the middle of and start doing something else entirely. But like he's always saying, it's part of his charm.' The pirate with a scarf paused and looked a bit rueful. 'There's a lot of stuff like that that's ”part of his charm”.'

'Do you ever get frustrated with being a sidekick?' asked Engels glumly. 'Because I have to say, I'm starting to find it a little tiresome.'

'Well, there's not a whole lot of glory in the sidekick line of work,' agreed the pirate with a scarf. 'But that's not what it's about, is it? And besides, we're in good company. All sorts of important historical characters have had sidekicks.'

'Like who?' said Engels with a frown.

'Well, there's Jesus. He had that friendly ghost version of himself. And Ulysses. He had that minotaur he rode about on. And, um, Hannibal. I think he had a talking elephant . . .'

'Excuse me,' said a lady intellectual, coming and sitting down next to them. 'Do you know if your philosopher-pirate man will be gone long? It's just he promised to show me his moral compa.s.s, and I'm very excited by the prospect.'

'He's off solving a mystery at the opera house, I'm afraid,' explained the pirate with a scarf politely.

The lady intellectual looked stricken. 'Goodness! But I have heard such terrible things about the opera!'

'Yes, it is meant to go on a bit,' agreed the pirate with a scarf. 'But I wouldn't worry, because the Pirate Captain is quite good at keeping himself occupied. He makes up little shanties about creatures. I actually think he's at his happiest when he's doing that.'

'No, young man,' said the lady intellectual, 'I was referring to these awful rumours.'

'Rumours?'

'Have you not heard?' The lady intellectual leant forward and continued in a conspiratorial whisper: 'They say that the opera is haunted! Everywhere it goes, there is always one box reserved for a mysterious man. Hardly anybody has ever laid eyes on him. But apparently he's a giant. Enveloped in smoke. Like a demon! My friend Evangeline was telling me the fiend breathes actual fire and has hands the size of suckling pigs. But then again, Evangeline talks a lot of rot, so you never know.'

Engels and the pirate with a scarf gave each other a worried look.

'I do hope nothing evil befalls your captain,' added the lady intellectual. 'He has such nice s.h.i.+ny boots.'

The Pirate Captain was enjoying being a crowned head almost as much as being a philosopher. 'At the moment Bootyopia is a parliamentary democracy, which to be quite honest is a bit of a bore,' he explained to a gaggle of other crowned heads. 'Apparently it's considered unfair to cut a fellow's head off on a whim. Ridiculous. But there are advantages, because with my role primarily as a figurehead, I have more time to mooch about the palace and pose for tapestries and the like.'

'What about your national anthem?' asked the Crowned Head of Prussia. 'For some reason, I can't seem to think how the Bootyopian anthem goes.'

'Funny you should mention that,' said the Pirate Captain. 'I'm actually here to ask that Wagner fellow about writing me a new one. Something that reflects what a modern, thrusting state Bootyopia is you know, something with a bit of a beat. Which one is he again?'