Part 39 (1/2)
”Oh, please, please not! I promise to have proper regard for the circ.u.mstances, andthe-personalities.”
”As one would expect, from a man without pa.s.sion!”
”Yes, you see-you mock at me when I-and then, when I-you say you will leave me-”
”Pray speak a little more connectedly, if you expect me to understand you.”
”So I am not to have any benefit from all your practice in guessing the meaning of disconnected sentences? Is that fair, I ask-or I would if I did not know that it is not a matter of justice at all-”
”No, justice is a phlegmatic pa.s.sion. In contrast to jealousy-when phlegmatic people are jealous, they always make themselves ridiculous.”
”There-ridiculous. Then grant me my phlegm. I repeat, how could I do without it?
For instance, how else could I have endured to wait so long?”
”I beg pardon?”
”Aussi longtemps pour toi.”
”Voyons, mon ami mon ami. I say no more about the form of address you persist in, in your folly. You will tire of it-and then, I am not prudish, not an outraged middle-cla.s.s housewife-”
”No, for you are ill. Your illness gives you freedom. It makes you-wait, I must hunt for the word-it makes you-spirituelle!”
”We shall speak of that another time. It was something else I meant. Something I demand to hear. You shall not pretend I had anything to do with your waiting-if you did wait-that I encouraged you to it, or even permitted it. You must admit explicitly that the opposite was the case-”
”Certainly, Clavdia, with pleasure. You never asked me to wait, I did it on my own. I can quite understand your laying stress on the point-”
”Even when you make admissions, there is always some impertinence about them. You are impertinent by nature-not only with me, but in general-G.o.d knows why. Your admiration, your very humility, is an impertinence. Don't think I can't see it. I ought not to speak with you at all, and certainly not when you dare to talk about waiting for me. It is inexcusable that you are still here. You should have been long ago at your work, sur le chantier sur le chantier, or wherever it was.”
”Now that, Clavdia, is not spirituel- spirituel-it even sounds conventional. You are just talking. You can't mean it in Settembrini's sense-and however else, then? I cannot take it seriously. I will not go off without permission, like my poor cousin, who, as you said he would, died because he tried to do service down below, and who knew himself, I suppose, that he would die, but preferred death to doing service up here any longer. Well, it was for that he was a soldier. But I am not. I am a civilian, for me it would be deserting the colours to do what he did, and go and serve the cause of progress down in the flat-land, despite what Behrens says. It would be the greatest disloyalty and ingrat.i.tude, to the illness, and its spirituel spirituel quality, and to my love for you, of which I bear scars both old and new-and to your arms I know so well, even admitting that it was in a dream, a highly quality, and to my love for you, of which I bear scars both old and new-and to your arms I know so well, even admitting that it was in a dream, a highly spirituel spirituel dream, that I learned to know them, and that you had no responsibility for my dream, and were not bound by it, nor your freedom infringed on-” dream, that I learned to know them, and that you had no responsibility for my dream, and were not bound by it, nor your freedom infringed on-”
She laughed, cigarette in mouth, so that the Tartar eyes became narrow slits; leaning back against the wainscoting, her hands resting on the bench on either side of her, one leg crossed over the other, and swinging,her foot in its patent-leather shoe. ”Quelle generosite! Pauvre pet.i.t! Oh la la, vraiment- vraiment-Precisely thus I have always imagined un homme de genie!” un homme de genie!”
”Don't, Clavdia. I am no homme de genie- homme de genie-as little as I am a personality. Lord, no. But chance-call it chance-brought me up here to these heights of the spirit-you, of course, do not know that there is such a thing as alchemistic-hermetic pedagogy, transubstantiation, from lower to higher, ascending degrees, if you understand what I mean. But of course matter that is capable of taking those ascending stages by dint of outward pressure must have a little something in itself to start with. And what I had in me, as I quite clearly know, was that from long ago, even as a lad, I was familiar with illness and death, and had in the face of all common sense borrowed a lead pencil from you, as I did again on carnival night. But unreasoning love is spirituel; spirituel; for death is the for death is the spirituel spirituel principle, the principle, the res bina res bina, the lapis philosophorum lapis philosophorum, and the pedagogic principle too, for love of it leads to love of life and love of humanity. Thus, as I have lain in my loge, it has been revealed to me, and I am enchanted to be able to tell you all about it. There are two paths to life: one is the regular one, direct, honest. The other is bad, it leads through death-that is the spirituel spirituel way.” way.”
”You are a quaint philosopher,” she said. ”I will not a.s.sert that I have understood all your involved German ideas; but it sounds human and good, and you are good, a good young man. You have truly behaved en philosophe en philosophe, one must say that for you- ” ”Too much en philosophe en philosophe for your taste, eh, Clavdia?” for your taste, eh, Clavdia?”
”No more impertinences. They become tiresome. That you waited for me was silly-uncalled for. But you are not angry, because you waited in vain?”
”It was hard, Clavdia, even for a man phlegmatic in his pa.s.sions. Hard for me and hard of you to come back with him like that-for of course you knew through Behrens that I was here and waiting for you. But I have told you I regard it as a dream, what we had together, and I admit that you are free. And I waited after all not quite in vain, for here you are, we sit together as once we did, I can hear the piercing sweetness of your voice, known to my ear from so long ago; and beneath this flowing silk are your arms, your arms that I know-even though upstairs there lies your protector, in a fever, the mighty Peeperkorn, whose pearls you wear-”
”And with whom, for your own profit and enrichment, you have struck up such a friends.h.i.+p.”
”Do not grudge me it, Clavdia, Settembrini reproached me with it too. But that is conventional prejudice. The man is a boon-for G.o.d's sake, is he not a personality? He is already old-yes; but even so, I could well understand how you as a woman could love him madly. You do love him madly?”
”All honour to thy philosophy, my little German Hanschen,” she said, and lightly stroked his hair. ”But I could not find it in my heart to speak to you of my love forhim. It would not be huma human.”
”Ah, why not, Clavdia? It is my belief that love of humanity begins where poorspirited people believe it leaves off. We can speak quite quietly of him. You love him pa.s.sionately?”
She bent to toss her cigarette-end in the grate, and then sat with folded arms.