Part 16 (1/2)

Matches are made in heaven--they don't need 'em in the other place.

REPORT TO THE SECRETARY OF WAR _on the Russo-j.a.panese War by Gen. Buzfuz, U. S. A._

The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by civilized nations because:

1. It was not started by a newspaper.

2. The scene of operations was not laid near a fas.h.i.+onable resort.

3. Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to inspect the officers' wardrobes.

4. There was no San Juan Hill.

5. The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or b.a.l.l.s.

6. The officers looked after their commands instead of writing magazine articles.

7. The soldiers were fed real food.

8. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed.

9. The s.h.i.+ps sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep water.

10. No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, clothing, or ammunition.

11. No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started over who won the battles.

[Sidenote: _Political Note_: Politicians are bought, not made.]

[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons too serious to take a joke should take a vacation.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: Don't see the freckles. Look pleasant please.]

SUNDAY

MONDAY (1886) Dumb piano invented by Virgil.

Rejoicing in Harlem.