Part 4 (1/2)
VI
ON MEDICAL CONSERVATION
”I see by the paper this morning,” said the Idiot, as he put three lumps of sugar into his pocket and absent-mindedly dropped his eyegla.s.ses into his coffee, ”that, thanks to the industry of our Medical Schools and Colleges, the world is richer by thirty thousand new doctors to-day than it was yesterday. How does the law of supply and demand work in cases of that kind, Doctor Squills?”
”Badly--very badly, indeed,” said the Doctor, with a gloomy shake of his head. ”The profession is sadly overcrowded, and mighty few of us are making more than a bare living.”
”I was afraid that was the case,” said the Idiot sympathetically. ”I was talking with a prominent surgeon at the Club the other night, and he was terribly upset over the situation. He intimated that we have been ruthlessly squandering our natural internal resources almost as riotously and as blindly as our lumbermen have been destroying the natural physical resources of the country. He a.s.sured me that he himself had reached a point in his career where there was hardly a vermiform appendix left in sight, and where five years ago he was chopping down not less than four of these a day for six days of the week at a thousand dollars per, it was now a lucky time for him when he got his pruning knife off the hook once a month.”
”That vermiform appendix craze was all a fad anyhow,” said the Bibliomaniac sourly. ”Like the tango, and bridge, and golf, and slumming, and all the rest of those things that Society takes up, and then drops all of a sudden like a hot stick. It looked at one time as if n.o.body could hope to get into society who hadn't had his vermiform removed.”
”Well, social fad or not,” said the Idiot, ”whatever it was, there is no question about it that serious inroads have been made upon what we may call our vermiforests, and unless something is done to protect them, by George, in a few years we won't have any left except a few stuffed specimens down in the Smithsonian Inst.i.tution.
”I asked my friend Doctor Cuttem why he didn't call for a Vermiform Conservation Congress to see what can be done either to prevent this ruthless sacrifice of a product that if suitably safeguarded should supply ourselves, and our children, and our children's children to the uttermost posterity, with ample appendicular resources for the maintenance in good style of a reasonable number of surgeons; or to re-seed scientifically where the unscientific destruction of these resources is uncontrollable. How about that, Doctor? Suppose you remove a man's vermiform appendix--is there any system of medical, or surgical, fertilization and replanting that would cause two vermiforms to grow where only one grew before, so that sooner or later every human interior may become a sort of garden-close, where one can go and pluck a handful of vermiform appendices every morning, like so many hardy perennials in full bloom?”
”I'm afraid not,” smiled the Doctor.
”Anybody but the Idiot would know that it couldn't be done,” said the Bibliomaniac, ”because if it could be done it would have been done long ago. When you find men successfully transplanting rabbits' tails on monkeys, and frogs' legs on canary birds, you can make up your mind that if it were within the range of human possibility they would by this time have vermiform appendices sprouting lushly in geranium pots for insertion into the systems of persons desiring luxuries of that sort.”
”You mustn't sneer at the achievements of modern surgery, Mr. Bib,” said the Idiot. ”There is no telling how soon any one of us may need to avail himself of its benefits. Who knows--maybe a surgeon will come along some day who will be able to implant a sense of humor in you, to gladden all your days.”
”Preposterous!” snapped the Bibliomaniac.
”Well, it does seem unlikely,” said the Idiot, ”but I know of a young doctor who without any previous experience planted a little heart in a frigid Suffragette; and though I know the soil is not propitious, even you may sometime be blossoming luxuriantly within with buds of cheer and sweet optimism. But however this may be, it is the unquestioned and sad fact that a once profitable industry for our surgically-inclined brothers has slumped; and they tell me that even those surgeons who have adopted modern commercial methods, and give away a set of Rudyard Kipling's Works and a year's subscription to the _Commoner_ with every vermiform removed, are making less than a thousand dollars a week out of that branch of their work.”
”Mercy!” cried the Poet. ”What couldn't I do if I had a thousand dollars a week!”
”You could afford to write real poetry all the time, instead of only half the time, eh, old man?” said the Idiot affectionately. ”But don't you mind. We're all in the same boat. I'd be an infinitely bigger idiot myself if I had half as much money as that.”
”Impossible!” said the Bibliomaniac, chuckling over his opportunity.
”Green-eyed monster!” smiled the Idiot. ”But speaking of this overcrowding of the profession, it is a surprise to me, Doctor, that so many young men are taking up medicine these days, when competent observers everywhere tell us that the world is getting better all the time.
”If that is true, and the world really is getting better all the time, it is fair to a.s.sume that some day it will be entirely well, and then, let me ask you, what is to become of all the doctors? It will not be a good thing for Society ever to reach a point where it has such an army of unemployed on its hands, and especially that kind of an army, made up as it will be of highly intelligent but desperately hungry men, face to face with starvation, and yet licensed by the possession of a medical diploma to draw, and have filled, prescriptions involving the whole range of the materia medica, from Iceland moss and squills up to prussic acid and cyanide of pota.s.sium.
”It makes me shudder to think of it!” said Mr. Brief, the lawyer, with a grin at the Doctor.
”Shudder isn't the word!” said the Idiot. ”The bare idea makes my flesh creep like a Philadelphia trolley car! c.o.xey's Army was bad enough, made up as it was of a poor, miserable lot of tramps and panhandlers, all so unused to labor as to be really jobshy; but in their most riotous moods the worst those poor chaps could do was to heave a few bricks or a dead cat through a millinery shop window, or perhaps bat a village magnate on the back of the head with a bed slat. There was nothing insidiously subtle about the warfare they waged upon Society.
”But suppose that, laboring under a smarting sense of similar wrongs, there should come to be such a thing as old Doctor Pepsin's Army of Unemployed Physicians and Surgeons, marching through the country, headed for the White House in order to make an impressive public demonstration of their grievances! What a peril to the body politic that would be! Not only could the surgeons waylay the village magnates and amputate their legs, and seize hostile editors and cut off the finger with which they run their typewriting machines, and point with alarm with; but the more insidious means of upsetting the public weal by pouring calomel into our wells, putting castor oil in our reservoirs, leaving cholera germs and typhoid cultures under our door mats, or transferring a pair of jacka.s.s's legs to the hind-quarters of an old family horse, found grazing in the pasture, would transform a once smiling countryside into a scene of misery and desolation.”
”Poor, poor Dobbin!” murmured the Bibliomaniac.
”Indeed, Mr. Bib, it will be poor, poor Dobbin!” said the Idiot. ”I don't think that many people besides you and myself realize how desperately serious a menace it is that hangs over us; and I feel that one of the first acts of the Administration, after it has succeeded in putting grape juice into the Const.i.tution as our national tipple, and constructed a solid Portland cement wall across the Vice President's thorax to insure that promised four years of silence, should be an effort to control this terrible situation.”
”You talk as if it could be done,” said the Doctor doubtfully.
”Of course it can be done,” said the Idiot. ”Doctors being engaged in Inter-State Commerce--”