Part 18 (1/2)
”You traveled here,” Rafferdy said.
”So I did.”
”Can I ask what brought you to the city despite the great discomfort and trouble I know it can only cause? Why have you come, sir?”
”For the very same reason, I imagine, that you wish to leave.”
Rafferdy frowned at his father. ”I don't understand.”
Lord Rafferdy's gaze went to the door. ”I am told she is very pretty.”
Rafferdy's legs no longer seemed capable of bearing him. He sank back into the chair.
”And I am given to understand her manner is excellent for one of her station,” Lord Rafferdy went on.
For one of any station! Rafferdy wanted to say, but words were beyond him. How did his father know these things?
”From everything I have heard from my cousin, it is easy to understand how a young man might be charmed.”
So his question was answered. Lady Marsdel must have written to him, urging him to the city. Rafferdy gripped the arms of his chair. ”What is it you are trying to tell me, sir?”
Lord Rafferdy set down his gla.s.s, directing his solemn gaze toward his son. ”Only what I have always told you-that your position in life confers many advantages, but also demands certain requirements. However, I did not come here to make a reprimand, if that's what you fear. That a young man's attentions should be captivated by a charming young woman is in no way out of the ordinary. And if her station is not exalted and her a.s.sociations simple, that can serve only to make her own charms s.h.i.+ne the brighter. Yet there comes a time when indulgence must be left behind and more-permanent commitments made. Nor is charm alone enough when considering such commitments. There are other ideas that must be considered, among them suitability, advantage, and duty to one's family.”
Rafferdy hardly knew how to act. His own feelings had been revealed to himself just minutes ago, and now he was being told to abandon them. ”And what of duty to myself, to my own wishes? What if I say I am ready to make a commitment, however unsuitable and of little advantage to my family. Am I to suppose, then, you will disown me-that if I do not do as I am told, you will deprive me of my name and my fortune and make of me a pauper?”
Lord Rafferdy s.h.i.+fted in his chair. ”My own father made such threats to me once, the day I put on my regimental coat. He forbade me to serve in the army and told me if I did not remove the coat that he would remove me instead, that I would be a son to him no longer. His wrath was a terrible thing to behold. I saluted him and left Asterlane to lead my regiment.”
Rafferdy was astonished. ”You defied an order from your father?”
”So I did.”
”Then he did not do what he said he would?”
”To whom would he have pa.s.sed his estate, if not to me? I was his only son. As you are mine. All the same-even if you were not my only child-my hopes, my thoughts, my intentions still could not be so easily transferred to another. And if your behavior displeases me, is it not I who should be blamed? To punish you would prove nothing, save that I am not only a poor parent but also a smallish and spiteful man.”
Rafferdy could not conceal his disbelief. ”Then no matter what I choose, even if I should make a commitment to one whom you deem beneath me, you will not disown me?”
”No, I will not. You will always be my son, and any wife you take my daughter.” His expression grew more somber yet. ”However, just because I do not disown you does not mean that no one will. Others in society will not look favorably on such a match.”
”I don't care what they think,” Rafferdy said, and downed his brandy.
”That is a thing that is easy to say, I think, but not so easy to bear. I see a rather large heap of letters and invitations on the desk there, but you could expect that stack to dwindle until it was gone. Be a.s.sured that most, if not all, of the society you have enjoyed will turn its back upon you.”
”It doesn't matter,” he said, though a bit less certainly now. ”I was going to decline those invitations anyway. I find those affairs boring.”
”Then perhaps it will not be so ill for you. But remember that it is not only you who will be divided from society. Even as she is beneath the circles you moved in, she will be above those that were once her own. Every day she will be forced to suffer that isolation. Or, when in public, to bear the looks, the whispers, the coldness that others, out of disdain, are so able to project. Would you have her endure that for your own satisfaction?”
Rafferdy slumped back into the chair. A moment ago he had felt a kind of jubilant defiance. He had thought himself brave to flirt with the idea of defying his father. Yet his only consideration had been what he wanted for himself and what he feared his father would do. Never for a moment had he thought about what she might want, or what would be best for her. No, it had not been out of bravery he had thought to defy his father.
He set down his gla.s.s and held his hand to his brow.
”I think you understand,” Lord Rafferdy said.
”Perfectly,” Rafferdy said with a grimace. ”You need deprive me of nothing, for society will do your work for you. How excellent it must be to take nothing yet receive everything you wish.”
He had flung the words at his father, intending them to induce anger. Instead, his father's expression was one of sorrow.
”If you think I take pleasure in this, you are mistaken. Why should I not want to see you happily situated? It is yet my hope you will be, with one who is both charming and suitable. Regardless, it is not merely for society's sake that society's approval must be sought. There are other reasons why one should not draw unwanted attention to oneself.”
These words struck through the grim fog that clouded Rafferdy's brain. He looked up at his father. ”What do you mean?”
Lord Rafferdy glanced toward the window. ”I was surprised you never asked me at Asterlane,” he said at last.
”Asked you what?”
He turned his gaze back toward his son. ”Why I have decided to enclose my lands.”
”I thought you were...” Rafferdy shook his head. ”But it doesn't matter. Now you are putting up walls, and you are like every other lord.”
”Just so. For were I to follow my own wishes-as you would follow yours-and not enclose my lands, I must necessarily bear the scrutiny and attention of others. They would wonder why I chose not to do as they did; indeed, they would see it as a criticism of their own decisions. Their only choice would be to repudiate their actions or repudiate me-and the latter is far easier done than the former. However, even as you must not be separated from your society, I must not be separated from mine. A man who is like his peers can move freely among them, and there is work to be done-work that cannot be performed under the watchful eye of suspicion.”
Rafferdy sat up in his chair. ”What sort of work do you mean?” A strange feeling came over him, at once curious and dreading. ”What business is it you do for the Crown?”
”How often in the past I have wished you would ask me that question!” Lord Rafferdy said with regret. ”Yet now that you have shown interest, I find I cannot be forthcoming with you. But I will, when the time is right. Until then, I will say only that there is much to do, that serious matters lie before us-indeed, before all of Altania. All the more reason why it is better not to distance ourselves from society by our actions, not to separate us from those who might help us-or those who might...” He shook his head.
”Who might what?” Rafferdy said, his sense of dread sharpening.
But Lord Rafferdy said only, ”Fas.h.i.+on and the expectations of others are not the only reasons I have chosen to enclose my lands around Asterlane. Soon there may be other needs for the safety of walls.”
”I don't understand. What other needs?”
His father glanced again at the heap of letters and invitations on the table. ”You have dwelled all your life in a world populated with light and music and the pleasurable company of others. Nor have I been so anxious as you perhaps think to remove you from such an existence. Yet have you never asked yourself what lies beyond the circle of illumination in which you dwell, out in the coldness, in the silence?”
”Never,” Rafferdy said. ”What can there be beyond what we know? For if we do not know it, it cannot exist. And if I want to hear stories of better worlds than this one, I'll go to a church and listen to the prattle of priests.”
”It is not of better worlds that I speak,” Lord Rafferdy said, looking at him now. ”And the darkness is not so empty as you imagine. Think of attending a party at night, in a house brightly lit with candles. If we happen to glance out the window, we cannot see into the darkness or know what lies outside. Yet any out there in the dark can see inside to us.”
Rafferdy could not fathom what these words meant. All the same, the hair on the back of his neck p.r.i.c.kled, and once again he found he could not bear to sit still. He rose from the chair.
”Are you leaving, then?” his father asked.
Without even thinking of it, Rafferdy had moved to the door. Once again the urge came over him to rush out, to go as fast as possible to Whitward Street and present himself at her door. All his life he had indulged his every desire, but without any real satisfaction. It had all been whim, a craving for diversion no different than a hungering for food or a thirst for drink: base instincts, and meaningless. But to be with her-it was the first thing in his life he had ever truly wanted.
For a long moment Rafferdy gazed through the door. He breathed out, and could not help thinking it was some better part of him that was expelled with the air from his lungs. Then he turned around and crossed the room to his father.
”You said it is time to address my future, sir.”